


Saren's Light

by SpiralGoddess



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Saren Lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-01-19 00:37:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12399495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiralGoddess/pseuds/SpiralGoddess
Summary: Shepard was able to stop Saren from killing himself. What's going to happen with Sovereign still whispering in his mind?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to the amazing Khaleeloo_ my fellow Saren lover!

“STOP!”

She lunged forward ignoring the shouts from her teammates as they tried to stop her from whatever she had decided to do. Her gun had fallen from her hands as she pushed herself as fast as she could towards the Spectre.

She had been able to calm him down so far, he had even begun to speak like his normal self. She wasn’t going to lose him now, he was so close to breaking through Sovereign’s hold he just had to hold out a little longer.  

Her scream had caused the male to hesitate for a moment, the gun pressed against his jaw wobbled in his distraction as she ran towards him. She wouldn’t let him do this, no one deserved this. His eyes widened as she grew closer and she watched his talon tighten against the trigger.

Panic welled in her gut before she dove forward her feet kicking off the edge of the walkway as she lunged upwards arms spreading wide as they wrapped around his body. She felt his right arm bend as her chest collided against his and the gun moved away from his face his talon squeezing and firing off a round into the air.  

The heat sent a ringing into her ears her cheek felt warm as he toppled backward off his hovercraft. His left arm rose out of instinct as three sharp talons tug against the waist of her armor. She could feel the pressure digging into the soft section of her armor and knew if she wasn’t wearing it they’d pierce her skin.

 “Shepard!”

She could hear Garrus’ quavering shout as his subharmonics strained against the yell, the thumping of his feet as he moved down the walkway towards her. A light pattering and a higher pitched shout alerted her that Tali had begun to move as well.

She felt his body shift as his back connected with the glass ceiling to the grassy knoll beneath where the council would gather. A few moments later their bodies smashed together once more as his back connected with the grass her head bouncing forward to crack against his chest piece.

It took her a few moments before she could move a small headache blooming in the front of her mind from connecting with his armor. Twisting a bit to pull her arms from underneath his body she pressed her hands against his chest piece trying to lift herself from his body.

Six talons dug into her hips forcing her waist back down against his own, a grunt tearing through his subharmonics. Holding her still for a moment he lifted his chest turning his head and relieving the pressure from his fringe.

Once his head was adjusted he thrust his arms lifting Shepard easily from his waist and into the air. Twisting he brought her to his side before releasing her hips and bringing himself to a sitting position his normal hand drifting to rub along his fringe checking for any cracks in the bone.

He raised the geth arm trying to ignore the woman as he checked his body. He had hit the ground hard enough he was actually truly surprised he hadn’t cracked his fringe. His body froze his hand clenching as another hand joined the mechanical one on his head.

Shepard shifted on her knees her much slimmer fingers checking over the long bones extending from his head. They didn’t seem like they had been cracked but she wasn’t sure how sensitive they were. She would have to check with Garrus later, he seemed to rub his fringe a lot.

Lowering her hand from his fringe she placed it on his shoulder. Saren lowered his head, unable to look at the woman that had saved him from himself. He could still hear Sovereign whispering in the back of his mind, the burning static that made it hard for him to focus on anything but the reaper.

“Saren.”

Her voice was like cold ice against his face. It calmed his racing thoughts and pushed the static from the front of his mind. His head jerked backward staring at the woman who was much too close to his face. He narrowed his eyes his mandibles flaring as she moved her hand up to rest on the fringe extending from his face.

“Saren you’re stronger than Sovereign. Don’t give in to him.”

His hand snapped up to her neck, the geth fingers grinding as they tightened against her neck the little bit of armor around her neck squeaking under the pressure.

Her hands snapped to her neck fingers scrapping against his fingers her mouth open to heave in any air she could through the crushing grip. Her head swam as black dots burst into her vision the lack of air sending warning signs off to her suit as it panicked not understanding why she didn’t have her helmet on for it to give her air.

“Sa-“

She wheezed in air her hands sliding off his fingers as he pulled his arm from her neck her lungs seizing as she hacked out a cough trying to smooth out her breathing. His hand hovered near her neck for a moment more before falling back to her side with the thuds of her teammates finally jumping off the walkway and down to where their commander had fallen.

“Shepard!”

Saren’s nose plates scrunched in disgust as he watched a fellow turian dart towards the woman who had fallen with him. His blue and black-clad body pressing against the human as his talons moved her hands to check her neck. The young boy’s subharmonics flaring with a range of emotions that made Saren sick to listen too.

He didn’t hate humans, despite what everyone thought, he just didn’t enjoy how selfish the race was. They were self-centered and only cared about their own advancement, they were asking for too much too quickly.

His intuition was correct, the minute his fingers wrapped around her neck Sovereign’s voice boomed through his head, stronger and closer to what he originally heard. When his fingers had retreated from her neck his voice softened and when her green eyes locked on his the voice all but disappeared.

What was it about this human that made Sovereign fade into the background? Was it the fact that she had interacted with the Prothean beacon? Was there something dug into the code that had been blown into her mind to prevent indoctrination? It was the only thing that made sense to him.

The other turian had moved now, it was the c-sec officer that had tried to pry into his records in the beginning of this mess. The son of Castis, it made sense, the older turian hated Saren just as much as it seemed the younger one did. The smaller turian pushed against Saren ripping his arms in front of him before gripping the rim of his neck armor.

Wrenching the Spectre up to his feet he watched as the small quarian helped Shepard to her feet. He couldn’t make out everything the purple one was saying but he did catch that she had stopped Sovereign’s attack with the console Saren had been previously using.

“RUN!”

Her voice shattered his thoughts as they turned watching as chunks of Sovereign collided with the side of the council’s tower. Disgust wavered in his stomach as her teammates turned sprinting to run as far away from the crash as possible leaving their commander without a second thought.

Moving forward Saren’s arm wrapped around the commander’s slender arm ripping her forward to run with him. She hadn’t yet begun to move, too worried about making sure her teammates were going to be clear before thinking of herself. This was why he worked alone; he didn’t want to have to babysit anyone like he was having to do now.

His hand tugged her towards him as a piece of Sovereign collided with his back sending him careening forward. He was thankful for once that he had his geth arm, the grip of the mechanical piece kept a grip on Shepard’s arm as the pair blasted forward crumpling to a pile as the tower and Sovereign came down around them.

Shepard was pissed.

The grip on her arm was crushing through her armor and she knew the skin underneath was going to bruise, badly. She had instructed everyone to run and yet Saren had just stood there staring at her, she figured the Spectre would have been the first person to run. With Tali and Garrus on the run, she had decided just to grab him and heave him out of there when he decided to do the same.

His grip on her arm caught her off guard as she stumbled after him trying to avoid whatever he was pulling her into while avoiding the searing metal raining down around them. So when the metal connected to her back she felt her shoulder dislocate as Saren’s grip pulled her in a different direction than the blast wanted her to go.

Now she was pinned under his body and a pile of metal searing into her armor and causing an uncomfortable burn on her skin. If she wasn’t so happy that Saren had actually done something decent she would let her anger take over and kick his ass.

Movement above her forced a groan from her lips as the pressure on her chest increased as Saren tried to lift himself. His talons dug into the ground beside her head before a force of biotic energy rippled across his skin. Shepard shrunk away from his body, the electric buzz from his biotics flickering down to dance across her armor.

He released his energy pushing his biotics to lift the debris from on top of them allowing him to move up an off of her to a standing position. He could hear chattering in the distance, no doubt Alliance personnel looking for her team. Staring down at the redhead his mandibles tightened against his face, his throat suddenly dry.

She was still sprawled out on the ground from where he had tackled her, red hair fanned out behind her pale skin a slight flush across her face bringing out the glow in her eyes. His eyes caught sight of the unnatural way her shoulder was resting and a flush of a strange emotion tore across his face. He must have dislocated her arm in the blast, more proof that humans were too weak and too frail for Spectre status.

He moved to kneel over her watching as her eyes narrowed with a distaste for the turian. He ignored the stare as his hands pressed against her shoulder and chest. He paused for a moment waiting for the woman to take a deep breath and with a slight nod from her he shoved her shoulder back into place.

He was impressed with her reaction; there was no crying or screaming nothing that he expected from the human. She simply closed her eyes and exhaled as he pushed the limb back into place. She was stronger than he thought but still weak.

Once her arm was in place he stood back to his full height the human moving to stand next to him. He was surprised the Alliance hadn’t come to find her yet, you would think finding Shepard would be the most important priority. Yet the chatter seemed to still be too far off for them to be looking for her.

Shepard lifted her arm her fist connecting heavily with the side of the unexpecting Spectre. The turian’s face dove to the side his mandibles flaring as his fists tightened by his sides.

“Don’t ever do that again, I don’t need you to protect me.”

Slamming a wave of biotic force towards the female it caught her square in the chest forcing her backward and colliding into a piece of rubble behind her. She straightened herself up, red hair like fire dancing around her face as her eyes narrowed against him. A snarl tore past her lips as she dove forward another punch aimed towards her fellow Spectre.

He deflected her punch allowing her left hand to wrap up and around his neck. Slipping his arm around her waist he flipped around slamming her onto the ground pinning her with his body weight. His hand snaking up to press against her neck once more he lowered his face closer to hers.

“No one controls me, Shepard.”

His chest swelled with pride at the fact that he was free of Sovereign, or at least his forward thoughts. He could still hear the beast whispering in the back of his head but he was in control of his body once again. He could move without listening to Sovereign’s direct commands.

Lifting himself off of the woman once again he took a few steps back allowing the frustrated woman to clamber to her feet. She was going to ignore him, they were going to throw him in jail for his crimes anyway why was she messing around with him?

Turning on her heel she began to climb up and over a large piece of debris, she could hear Saren moving behind her and was at least thankful that he wasn’t going to be a child and refuse to follow her. There was nowhere for him to go anyway, everyone knew that he was the one that helped Sovereign and the geth get this far.

Once on top of the debris, she heard the cheer of Alliance soldiers as they spotted her, Garrus nearly tore the arm off the male holding him as he moved to run to her. Stumbling down she met Garrus allowing the male to hold on to her for a moment before releasing her to a wailing quarian’s death grip.

Saren moved slowly down, ignoring the stares the Alliance was giving him, he knew what was coming next. Silently moving forward he allowed a few of the blue-clad humans to surround him slapping cuffs on him as c-sec joined the jumble cheers and shouts about their arrest.

Moving him away from Shepard a twinge vibrated in his chest as they pushed him further away and towards the elevator to take him to c-sec headquarters. The further he moved from Shepard the louder Sovereign’s voice grew. It crept at the back of his mind, a static burn fuzzing his vision as the cold grip burnt his limbs.

He was losing himself again.


	2. Chapter 2

“Shepard incoming call from the council.”

Joker’s voice crackled over the radio and Shepard’s let out an audible groan. After a week trapped in Huerta under Anderson’s orders to make sure she was fit again she had finally been released for duty. Well she wouldn’t call it duty; even with Saren in custody the council ignored both of their warnings about Reapers.

They claimed she fell for his lies and he was delusional enough to believe his lie. So instead of preparing for an invasion, they gave her a list of planets to go and clean the geth out of their holds. Thankfully she was still a Spectre so while she was jumping around the system she could snoop on other issues as well.

Her ship was much quieter now with her crew scattered to continue their lives.  Wrex was rebuilding Tuchanka, Tali had returned to the Flotilla with all the data she had requested. Ashley had been given another position which Shepard had been pleased to see her promoted and moving forward. She had been sad to see Garrus go; he had gone for Spectre training and with Shepard’s blessing the council would have him working for them soon.

Liara and Joker had stayed, Liara wanted to help Shepard stop the Reapers no matter what and Joker wouldn’t part from the Normandy even if his life depended on it. So now with a small crew, they were out ‘saving’ the galaxy. Or they had been for 2 weeks, they had just boarded from clearing out another planet and already the council was calling on her again.

Shuffling into the comm. room she collapsed her helmet onto her belt ignoring the white geth blood splattered across her dark armor she jammed her hand on the console activating the call.

“Shepard.”

She nodded to Tevos as she spoke, as always the asari councilor spoke first. Crossing her arms over her chest she listened to the soft creak of her gauntlets against her chest plate.

“We have a favor to ask of you.”

Rolling her eyes she shifted her weight adjusted her body to lean to the left. Her arm uncrossed her left hand dropping down to hang by her side as her right fell to her hip.

“As you know Saren has been held in c-sec custody since you captured him during his invasion. He’s had…problems.”

Shepard’s hand dropped to hang limply with her other as she took a step back from the holos staring at her heavily. Valern didn’t seem that interested in what Tevos was saying, he seemed to be more interested in Shepard’s reaction. Sparatus was a different story, his fists were clenched by his sides and she could see the small irritated flare of his mandibles. This was his star Spectre Tevos was talking about.

“We’d like for you to come back and see if you could get more information out of him than we’ve been able too.”

Shepard groaned lifting her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. It wasn’t an order, Tevos was making that part perfectly clear, but what else was she supposed to do? Saren had seemed stable after Sovereign had been taken down, sure he had been an asshole but that wasn’t surprising.

“You know what sure, why not?”

Sparatus’ head jerked back with her admission, she doubted he believed she would willingly help the Spectre she had just spent the last few months hunting down. She didn’t really care, Saren wasn’t an issue for her anymore and since it was clear they weren’t going to take the reaper threat seriously she might as well check in on him. Saren might be able to give her inside information about the reapers.

“Thank you, Commander Shepard. I’ll inform c-sec of your arrival.”

She disconnected the call and strode out of the comm room and down the bridge to where Joker sat piloting the ship. Throwing herself into the seat beside him she tilted her head back letting a loud groan rumble through her throat.

“Jokerrrrr…”

She slumped further into her seat her legs lifting up to kick the side of his seat lightly; she wouldn’t dare kick it too hard in fear of breaking his bones. His hand lifted up to his hat adjusting the way it sat on his head as he twisted his head to stare at his commanding officer acting, rather childish.

“The council must really like their asses. First, they make you save them and now they make you kiss ‘em.”

She snorted twisting to sit upright in the chair before burying her face in the palms of her hands before quickly pulling back her nose curling at the geth blood stained across her gloves.

“Gotta lick their boots after too.”

Joker shook his head before turning back to the screen punching a few keys on the monitor in front of him. She knew he had been listening in to the conversation she had with the council he already knew where she wanted to go.

“Go get un-gethy commander we’ll be there in about 3 hours.”

Groaning again she crawled out of the chair to head to the mess where her room was connected too. She enjoyed being close to everyone but did not enjoy the thin walls her room had. Her sleep schedule was inconsistent and varied based around the missions they went on and more often than not she found herself trying to sleep when the mess was particularly loud.

Shrugging her armor off she shoved it into the decontamination drawers she had installed in her room when she took it over. It was the only thing she changed about the room once she took it from Anderson. Unzipping her body suit she lowered herself to sit on the edge of her bed as she looked around the room.

Even after months of chasing Saren she never felt the urge to add anything, she never felt like she deserved the room. She glanced over at the duffle bag shoved into the corner where her items were. Sighing she stood up throwing her body suit in the drawer with her armor before pulling a pair of fatigues out of her bag.

Quickly dressing she moved to the showers down the hall only to undress and slip into the shower. She was thankful very few people came to shower around this time she disliked being so exposed. The water burnt her back and she gripped the steel wall in front of her to keep her balance.

Closing her eyes she took a few deep breaths trying to calm herself the best she could and relax. The stinging in her back was slowly lowering but she could still feel it, she could still feel the Thresher Maw’s acid burning her armor the material heating and searing itself to her back.

Her fingers squeaked as they slid against the shower wall, the high pitched whine intermingling with the screams of her teammates, the screech of the Thresher Maw keeping them awake through the night. Nowhere was safe, nowhere was-

“Commander we’re 20 minutes out.”

Shepard’s head snapped back her eyes shooting open as she lifted her gaze up towards the running water. This was bad; she hadn’t realized she fell into her memories for that long. Her face soured into a frown as she removed herself from the shower quickly drying her body and dressing. She wasn’t that weak, she was stronger than her past.

She couldn’t help but smile as she moved past Pressley; she could hear the soft voice of Tali on the other end of the call line. She was glad Pressley had overcome his xenophobic ways to find companionship with her alien teammates; he seemed extra fond of Tali the two would talk quite frequently.

Moving back into the bridge she lowered herself into the seat next to her pilot once more. A simple hey was all she got from him; he was too absorbed with guiding them into the docking bay to idly chatter with her. She stared out the window watching as the Citadel arms stretched by them and she briefly wondered how repairs were going.

Dread settled in her gut as the clamps lowered on the Normandy’s wings clasping against Joker’s ship and locking it into place. She knew Joker hated it just as much as she did, being locked to the Citadel until clearance was given to leave. They had been trapped by this system before and she knew the same fear tore through Joker that tore through her, they might be locked in again. Standing she gripped Joker’s shoulder for a moment before taking a deep breath.

“I’ll comm. you as soon as I can to let you know how long to give the crew for shore leave.”

Silently her pilot nodded and as she exited the air lock she heard the computer’s crisp voice alerting the crew that ‘XO Pressley is in command’. She was taken aback by her welcoming committee. She had expected someone from c-sec to come and get her, to fill her in on what was going on with Saren and why she was requested to come back here. So to see Sparatus in front of her instead was a surprise.

“Councilor Sparatus.”

“Shepard.”

The two stood apart from each other in an awkward silence. She had never met a council member like this before, sure Tevos had messaged her personally before but that was through a holo not in person. He turned on his heel and Shepard stumbled to follow after the stoic turian.

“It pains me for us to have to call upon you but…Saren has changed.”

She took a few long strides to fall into place beside the turian councilor, his head bobbed to stare at her for only a moment before snapping back up to the direction they were moving. She crossed her arms as the pair walked and as they grew closer to the elevator to take them to c-sec he continued.

“Only a select few know of Saren’s status, it would be wise if you kept it that way commander.”

She nodded, too curious to the state of her former enemy to actually make a witty comeback towards the male. It must be severe if Sparatus had come to meet her in person. There was no way he would lower himself to guide a human if it wasn’t.

“We’re hoping you’ll be able to talk to him. Understand what he needs…”

There was a pregnant pause and for the first time Shepard was thankful the elevators moved so slowly. She turned her body to face him and watched as he did the same, a taloned hand lifting to press against his forehead. His painted mandibles flared before hanging loose and Shepard traced his colony markings with her eyes. She would have to ask Garrus one of these days which colony the markings stood for.

“He won’t speak Commander. He thrashes and screams like a wild animal.”

Shepard was getting sick of all these surprises, she didn’t like being caught off guard and it seemed like Sparatus was hell-bent on doing so.

The elevator slowed even more before gently touching down and allowing the doors to slide open. Allowing Sparatus to go first she followed behind him and into the c-sec lobby. A few heads turned in her direction as people realized the ‘Savior of the Citadel’ was here, god did she hate that name.

Tagging behind Sparatus they wove through halls and doors Shepard hadn’t seen before and would probably forget about as soon as she was back in orbit. Finally arriving in a hall with a single door at the end Sparatus stopped and waved her forward.

“He’s in that room; he’s unarmed and has a damper on to keep him from using his biotics.”

She nodded shuffling past the turian to head towards the cell. She was honestly surprised she couldn’t hear him with how Sparatus had said he was acting. Then again the walls could be sound proof, Garrus had told her he had gotten information a ‘different’ way before, it would be bad if others could hear that _persuasion._

“Shepard.”

Dropping her hand from the handle she turned to face the councilor once more.

“I know Tevos asked you only to come as a favor to the council.”

He was moving towards her now and Shepard instinctually straightened into an attentive stance. His large hand lowered onto her shoulder and a ripple of tension tore through her body.

“As a favor for me, I’ll ask you to fix Saren. He’s an example of an exemplary turian and if we can prove he’s been rehabilitated we can grow as a race.”

Her nose curled; raising her hand she swatted his hand from her shoulder. She wasn’t going to do that to Saren, she wasn’t going to let them parade around a wounded solider just so they would look good. Her fists tightened as her back seared with a pain that would have buckled her knees if the rage didn’t keep her upright.

She had been paraded around, her name displayed at her teammates funeral as the sole survivor. The one who overcame all odds to rise above and prove that they were the best humanity had to offer. She would be damned if she let that nightmare happen to someone else.

“I’m helping because Saren was a great Spectre. He was indoctrinated by a threat _you_ refuse to acknowledge! I’ll be damned if you parade him around like a trophy of a win you refused to help fight.”

He withdrew his hand as she slapped it away like her touch was poison. Retreating a few steps back it gave her the room she needed to open the door and retreat inside. Slamming the door behind her she pressed her back against the piece of steel her head lifting to stare at the ceiling.

“I fucking hate the council.”

A snort from the far side of the room and she lowered her head bringing the pale-faced turian into her line of sight. He was stretched out across a bed, his arms and legs bound by the same cuffs wrapped around his neck and waist. He was immobile and rage boiled in her blood. No one should be treated as such.

“Why do you think I took so many jobs that required radio silence?”

She blinked a few times her brain whirling around his comment before her lips split into a grin and she let out a throaty chuckle. Did…did he just make a joke?

She moved forward allowing her face to be visible to the restrained male. Her hands lowered to rest on the cuff holding his turian arm down, she was thankful they at least didn’t remove his geth arm. Although with how many wires and pipes were connecting the arm to his chest it might prove fatal if they did.

“Are you gonna choke me again?”

He twisted his head the best he could before the collar tightened and his fringe caught against the edge of the cot. His nose plates curled and his mandibles flared as she spoke but he remained silent. He narrowed his eyes at her his mouth finally opening to let out some sort of snarl, his subharmonics wailing in stress.

She unsnapped his hand pausing for a moment to make sure he wasn’t going to try to grab her in anyway, after a moment she moved around his body. She unsnapped his restraints as she went, his legs, waist, his other hand and neck, once he was completely unrestrained she moved away from the table and lowered herself into the chair against the wall of the room.

It took Saren a bit to realize she was removing his restraints a strange change of events. He had been locked up since the Alliance and c-sec had grabbed him from the Citadel tower. Pinned down and questioned every chance he was awake before being beaten when he didn’t answer or answered what they didn’t want to hear.

They wanted him to admit that it was his idea; he rose the geth and brought the war to the Citadel. So when his answer was Sovereign and how the reaper threat was coming, it angered more people then he realized.  Then it happened.

Slowly but surely he could feel Sovereign crawling back into his head, the screaming of the reaper terrified him. Sovereign had been blown to pieces his voice should have faded away and yet it only came back. Stronger and louder than before a deeper rumbling booming into his head and he knew the voice had changed.

It was someone different talking to him, he had heard Sovereign enough to know the difference. He figured the reapers were similar to the geth in their hive mind status. When Sovereign disappeared someone else simply stepped forward and entered his mind whispering the same threats and pleasantries that his flagship had been known for keeping the name that was familiar to him.

He couldn’t remember when the voice took over when he lost himself to the darkness. The cold crept at his limbs and soon it had completely consumed him. He stood by himself in a dark space, darkness above him and darkness below him. There was silence in that place; no matter how loud he tried to scream there was no sound.

There was only sound when Sovereign spoke. His booming voice flooded the area and shook him to his soul; it was then that he could shout. Profanities and curses flowing from his tongue more rapidly than the breaths he was taking. The reaper ignored his words and continued with their speech, trying to persuade Saren to rejoin their cause, to take up arms and help the reapers step forward.

It was during a quiet time when a light appeared in the darkness. It was distant and small but he ran for it, his body moving without second thought as he moved towards the strange anomaly in his darkened world. As he moved the light grew bigger, whether he was moving towards it or it was just growing in size he didn’t care.

He could hear something now, a murmur of a voice from a faraway place. It was a familiar voice, soft but harsh and sharp all at the same time. He could remember it calling for him before in a time he couldn’t recall. Bringing him to the surface of the water just as it was doing now.

_“Saren was a great Spectre.”_

The light flooded past him and he heaved in a breath as if he was breathing for the first time. He was beginning to hear more and more the further he surfaced then it was clear, the slam of a door and his eyes finally opened.

Light flooded his vision and he relished in the fact that he could see more than just black. Colors assaulted his eyes and he could have sworn he saw a wisp of fire dance in the corner of his vision.

_“I fucking hate the council.”_

Shepard.

It was Shepard.

Her voice cut through his mind and for the first time in a while he couldn’t hear Sovereign speaking over his own thoughts. He could think for himself and though he could hear the murmur of the reaper whispering behind Shepard’s voice cut over it.

“Why do you think I took so many jobs that required radio silence?”

Her laugh rattled his brain; he was thankful the _human_ was able to quiet the booming voice in his mind but was truly disgusted at the fact that it was a _human_. He didn’t think a turian would be any better though, he was not very popular among his own kind with his extended and facial fringe along with his bare face.

A human though? Why did it have to be a human that was the one pulling him from the depth of his darkness? Humanity was brash and aggressive in their desire to push their race forward they didn’t deserve what they had been demanding and now they had a Spectre!? That was a disgrace.

She was speaking again but he chose to ignore her, he had already given her too much to work off of. He would see what she wanted and that would be it.

Once he was released he took a moment to collect his ragged thoughts before rising to a sitting position. His muscles screamed in atrophy from being pinned down to the bed. He was thankful that at least they had given him a private room; he had done enough interrogations to know what kind of situation he could have ended up in. He had been treated better than a war criminal should have been and he knew it was due to his Spectre status.

His electric eyes landed on the woman sitting in the metal chair across from him. He knew now why he had seen fire when she entered. The only time he had seen Shepard was after she had slaughtered his army on the way to him. She was always covered in blue and red blood, geth fluids splattered against her face. Her fringe was always slicked back against her head, a few random pieces pressed against her forehead.

So seeing her fr- _hair, humans call it hair-_ her _hair_ fluffed up and moving with the soft A.C. in the room caught his attention more than he would have thought. It was kept close to the same style it was when he normally saw her, pushed back and hanging just above her shoulders, a few pieces hanging down in her face. It was the thin pieces that danced around her head that he found interesting, wisp of fire that brought her spirit to life.

He cringed staring at the woman, despite how bizarre her fire hair was it was disgusting. It would get in the way, tangled and caught in other things and he had seen her fight with it in her face too many times while trying to take down enemies.

“So, you don’t seem like a ‘wild animal’.”

His head reared as she spoke and Shepard couldn’t help but let a grin paint itself on her face. His arms slowly rose before crossing over his chest, he didn’t know why she would refer to him as such but he wasn’t going to question it.

“My mind is cleared now.”

Shepard’s grin split even further at his words. She was glad to hear that but it confused her more with what Sparatus had said.  He was supposed to be this wild crazy animal, yet here he was sitting up acting just fine. Was this a ploy? Was he pretending to be calm just to turn around and attack her?

“As much as it pains me to say this, I appreciate you pulling me from Sovereign’s grasp.”

Shepard’s grin stayed on her face as she stared at the seething Spectre, she could tell it was killing him to say anything close to a thank you to the female. It was interesting for her to see Saren this way, more calm then previous times…then again previous times they were both trying to stop the other one even if it meant death. She was glad that he hadn’t killed himself during their final confrontation.

She felt her throat tighten as she recalled the memory of him lifting his gun to his jaw, his talon tightening on the trigger. Screams fluttered through her mind as her brain slowed the memory her body moving towards his as fast as she could and it still felt too slow. She had lost so many people, so much death followed her, her family, her team, Kaiden…at least she had been able to save him.

A lightbulb flickered on in her head as she stared at the Spectre, his body still vibrant and glowing in certain parts, his jaw a mix of plates and metal shining under the harsh light. His body had been altered over the course of him staying with Sovereign, could he still be hearing the reaper’s call? Is that why he was ‘wild’ as Sparatus put it?

“You still hear him, don’t you?”

“It.”

His voice was harsh cutting through the room and overlapping the end of her question. His eyes narrowed as he swung off the bed his feet thudding heavily against the ground as he strode towards Shepard, only taking a few steps to close the distance between them.

His hand slammed down beside her head and he had to give it to her that she didn’t flinch. Her vibrant green eyes locked with his electric blue ones both sides narrowing their eyes as he closed the distance. His mandibles flared, subharmonics clicking as his anger rolled off his body in waves.

“I still hear _it.”_

He would not familiarize himself with the reapers, would not make them more than the machines they were. Make them _hims_ or _hers._ That’s what would draw her in; make her vulnerable to the reapers. The minute she saw them as more than just murderous machines they would find that weakness and exploit it.

“Every minute of every day I hear Sovereign. It promises to come back, to kill us all because we retaliated. The reapers are going to wipe our races out of existence. _We don’t stand a chance_.”

“Do you hear it now?”

His anger froze and Shepard felt it, his body lost its threatening demeanor as his head shrunk down towards his chest. Slowly lowering his hand from beside her head he took a few stumbling steps back until his legs hit his bed and he lowered himself to sit.

“No. Not right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your lovely comments ♥  
> I hope you all enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

She ended up talking to him for a few hours, although nothing ever came out of their conversation. He skillfully avoided any questions she had regarding the reapers claiming blackouts and memory loss. She didn’t know how much of it was true but he did confirm what she already knew about them.

The geth he spoke freely of though unfortunately, thanks to Tali, she already knew everything he was telling her. She was grateful that he was sparing information though. They both knew that as of right now she was the only one working on the reaper threat and he would try to help with that the ‘best’ he could.

It startled her when a c-sec officer barged into the room instantly screaming and shouting about how he had come unbound and needed sedation. Despite her loud protests, she was pulled from the room with a fleeting glance of Saren being rebound to the bed.

She met with Sparatus shortly after informing him that Saren was doing better, they had spoken at length and how she was disgusted with the way c-sec was treating him. He wasn’t ‘wild’ as Sparatus had spoken of earlier. That was when she was shown the recordings.

They had more than she could count as he opened them on his terminal. Video after video of Saren played for her and her heart sunk with every video Sparatus showed her. Saren started normally than began his decline before it rapidly spun out of control.

Videos of Saren thrashing, fighting, biting and clawing c-sec officers played before her. The turian’s screams filtered through the speakers of his terminal and Shepard rubbed her forehead in frustration. This video was only a few hours before she docked on the Citadel; this was a completely different Saren that what she had just seen.  

Then he grew calm. An eerie silence filled the screen and before she knew it her body appeared on the video.

“He’s calm now, we’ll work with him. Hopefully, he’ll stay this way.”

Her throat was thick and she could only nod to the counselor, she didn’t want to say anything about what had happened. Honestly, she didn’t even know what she would say if she could speak if her throat wasn’t as dry as Tuchanka in the afternoon.

She didn’t want to go back to the Normandy yet, she had given her crew 24 hours of shore leave so she still had some time to relax and untangle her mind. So she found a small café in the bottom levels of the wards where hopefully she wouldn’t stand out that much. Unfortunately, she was followed.

“By the goddess…Shepard that’s unbelievable.”

Her elbow rested itself on the table her hand curling to rest her face against it. The blue woman was still talking and Shepard knew it was a mistake to bring her in on this. She was never going to hear the end of it now.

“… the possibility that the beacon…”

She zoned out again her head drifting her attention to watching the traffic walking by where they were sitting. It was heavy on krogan where they had settled and she wondered if there were Urdnot’s mingled in the mix. Wasn’t she an official sister according to Wrex? Huh, she missed the big oaf; she would have to go visit him after they cleared out the next planet. Maybe stop by the Migrant Fleet?

“…just don’t know Shepard.”

She let out a heavy sigh twisting her head back towards Liara before shrugging. The asari had apparently not picked up on the fact that she barely listened to her 800 theories she’s been spewing out for the last 20 minutes. Liara stabbed whatever she was eating with her fork before continuing her meal, Shepard mimicking her cue with a bite of her own.

Swallowing whatever Liara had picked out for her she grimaced as it wormed its way down her throat. Despite the odd texture, there was actually a good taste that stung the back of her tongue. She took another bite despite the odd texture and moved to look at her dining partner.

Liara was a good kid, eh woman? She acted younger than Shepard though despite being decades older, the asari had said herself she was considered a child in her society. Despite her age confusion, Shepard was glad they had brought Liara along. She was incredibly helpful with the prothean aspects of the mission but her constant flirting was severely taxing.

Like right now, her face was flushed a dark shade of purple and she was having a hard time maintaining eye contact with her. It wasn’t that she disliked the asari if she was interested in a relationship Liara would probably be her first option. Liara seemed dependent enough an- she shuddered. She just didn’t want anything, a relationship would make things difficult on the ship and a single fling would be even worse. No fraternization.

She handed her credit chit to their waitress as she walked by to cover the tab for their meal and once her chit once returned she stood allowing Liara to follow behind her. She didn’t want the asari to get any wrong ideas even though Shepard was sure her blue mind was swimming with them based on how she was acting.

Boarding the Normandy she watched as Liara darted off to the lab where she would hole up in the back room no doubt thinking about her ‘date’ with Shepard. She groaned moving towards Joker before flopping back into her favorite chair.

“So…you and Liara, huh?”

Her foot slammed against the side of his chair and he threw his hands up in defense forcing Shepard to lower her feet to the floor.

“Haha, very funny Joker. Take us outta here the minute the last crew member is on board.”

“Ay Ay Captain.”

She snorted standing to her feet before clasping her hand on his shoulder. Thanking the male she moved down the bridge to take the stairs to the mess area to retreat to her quarters. As soon as the door locked behind her she flopped face first down onto the bed.

She wondered how Saren was doing, if he was still able to keep his mind or if it was slipping away from him. She would have to make sure she stopped by the Citadel more frequently than originally planned to make sure to check in on him.

Rolling onto her back she stared up at the steel ceiling stretching out before her, she really hoped that he would be able to overcome the voices nagging in his brain. She knew he was a strong Spectre, hell she had read articles about how powerful he was. That’s why it was so frustrating for her to see him in this state.

She knew it made him uneasy when she was around though; it wasn’t hidden knowledge that he disliked humanity. The way he looked at her when they talked made her feel dirty as if she had been there during the First Contact War. He kept his arms crossed; his distance from her and his words short and sharp. It would be a slow process to gain his trust.  

Shaking her head she brought her hands up to her forehead pressing her palms against her skull. No, no, no. She was _not_ going to think of him right now. There were so many other things she had to do and thinking of her ex-enemy was not one of them.

A week later, far away from the Citadel Commander Shepard met the collectors. She threw Joker from the ship, she watched as the Normandy burst into flames the escape pods streaking against the sky. The second blast sent shrapnel her way and she rose her hands to block her face, missing the piece that pierced her oxygen line.

Alarms began blaring in her HUD warning lights flashing around her to alert her to the oxygen she was rapidly losing. She was going to suffocate, she was going to choke to death floating in space and once the world was black her body would be never found as it burnt up entering Alchera.

Closing her eyes she shut off her HUD overriding the warnings so she wouldn’t see the timer counting down to her death. She could feel her chest tightening as her air began to thin.

She thought of her teammates, how thankful she was that they hadn’t been on the ship. How they were safe across the galaxy and Liara and Joker had been evacuated with Chakwas. She could smell the bodies she had passed, those who hadn’t made it out of the explosions that rocketed through the ship.

Death had followed her since childhood; growing up in the streets she saw death in her earliest memories. She joined the Alliance praying to get out of the streets, into somewhere where she wouldn’t have to fall asleep next to friends she lost to drugs or the cold. She was so wrong; death tagged along and introduced itself to her team on Akuze as Thresher Maw’s hunted her team through the ghost town the colony had become. The Maw’s acid creating skeletons and new ghosts for Shepard to sleep next to.  

It tagged along through her chase for Saren, losing Kaiden as she moved to save Kirrahe and his team. She had to make such a difficult choice to leave him behind and one that continued to haunt her.

Now it followed her to the deep reaches of space, where it was only supposed to be a simple geth cleanout turned out to be a slaughter. She lost crewmates, members of her new family and it tore her to pieces.

Now death was finally claiming her and he felt it.

He had been plunged into the darkness a few days after she left. He had held on for so long reliving her visit remembering the light that she had that drove Sovereign away. If he could master the feeling then there would be no reason for the female in the long run and he would be free of her.

He had functioned normally much to Sparatus’ pleasure. He came to visit the Spectre a few times although is answers still weren’t what he wanted to hear. He was still speaking of the reapers and the councilor was finally starting to understand he wouldn’t give any other story.

Then he was in the darkness again. The small light flickering in the distance and he mustered every ounce of his energy to remember what it felt like the first time he saw it. He couldn’t lose it now; he wouldn’t go back to Sovereign. Said reaper was whispering behind his thoughts, slowly emerging like the crawling fog on a cold morning.

It whispered words of death. How they had beaten the human and turian champion and how the rest would crumble beneath them. Despite how tightly he clenched his fists his unfiled talons couldn’t pierce his skin, couldn’t give him the pain to remind him that he was still alive.

Silence and darkness filled his mind and he could only imagine what his body was doing without him to control it but he didn’t care. During his time with Sovereign, there was one thing he learned about the reapers. They didn’t lie. They wouldn’t say the whole truth but they didn’t lie. So when Sovereign’s voice boomed through his head he felt his heart stop because he knew what the machine was saying was true.

**_“Shepard is dead.”_ **


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard sat on her bed, far away from the chatter of the mess hall in this new version of the Normandy. This room was larger; easily double the size, with so many more places to put trinkets to personalize her space. Yet Shepard had nothing.

There was a small box sitting on the table near her couch, a model of a turian fighter Jacob had brought up to her as a welcome gift. She had never built a model before, would she even have time to build it with how many tasks Miranda had laid out for her.

Her throat burned as her eyes turned down towards her hands, were these even her hands? A tremble tore through her body and she watched as a small shake took over her limbs. They looked like her hands, they worked like her hands. During the mission to Freedom’s Progress, her body had moved flawlessly, her mind had been foggy, muddled as she tried to understand but her body worked just as it always did.  

Was that because she had been programmed that way? Or did her body just fall into muscle memory? She clenched her fists forcing the small tremor to cease as she took a deep breath. Lifting her head from her hands her eyes moved around her room once again.

Miranda had stocked her fish tank with jellyfish, even if she refused to admit it Jacob had told her she snuck in just before they took off to do it. The small white blobs floating mindlessly and she was thankful that she had done the kind gesture. It was calming and hypnotic to watch them, the soft sound of the water bubbling helped ease her nerves and the blue glow made her cabin less intimidating. It made sense for the tank to be in here. She would have to get more fish.

She lowered her body back onto her bed a muffled scream tearing at her throat as she clenched her jaw. Jerking her arms to her chest she launched her body to the side allowing her hands now pressed against the bed to shove her up and away from the furniture. Stumbling backward her legs cracked against the small table and she crumpled backward and across the table into the couch.

She could feel a corner of the model box crushing against her thigh; her back slumped in the space between the table and couch as her head bent uncomfortably against the edge of said couch. The shake had returned to her body and her chest burnt as she heaved in air.

_She wasn’t getting enough, she was going to suffocate._

Her hands slipped on the floor trying to right herself her eyes locked on the large window hanging over her bed. Stars glittered and blinked as the Normandy glided through space, what could have been calming scenery to anyone else just threw her back to what felt like yesterday.

She could hear the alarms in her head, her HUD screaming at her that something was wrong, that her oxygen was running low. Her heart resonated in her head, the pounding shaking her eyes as she tried to close them. She tried to ignore what was staring her in the face.

She was back outside the Normandy, her suit bleeding the air that would allow her to live. She could only watch as the collector beam demolished her ship once more flinging her closer to Alchera. Her body arched as her hands shot to the back of her head, she couldn’t grip the hose she knew should be there her hands brushing against empty couch instead.

Black spots burst against her vision and she knew what was coming next. She was going to die, she was going to finally meet the end of her life and instead of going out in the blaze of battle it was a piece of shrapnel and a lack of air that was killing her.

“ _Shepard!”_

She heaved in a breath, her lungs expanding to fill and allow her racing mind to realize she wasn’t suffocating. Filling her lungs a few more times she finally tore her eyes away from her ceiling and towards the grip on her left arm. The black spots burst as her vision returned to her and she began to realize that she wasn’t still out in space. She was in the Normandy, she had air.

Pressure burst onto her upper arm and Shepard heaved again her head snapping to the side. Her right hand immediately curled into a fist readying itself to slam into the face of whatever creature was beside her. Had Miranda come in to sedate her? Was her body breaking down and she had to rebuild it?

That…that wasn’t Miranda. It wasn’t a Cerberus agent…it was…Joker? Her pilot…no, her friend was crouched beside her, she could only assume he would be in tremendous pain from the way he was sitting; his bones were too brittle to crouch. Yet here her friend was beside her his hand holding onto her and anchoring her to reality.

Joker held onto her arm, wobbling where he stood his eyes filled with panic at watching his commander break down. Her fist uncurled, the muscles in her arm relaxing as her chest finally began to slow its rapid movements. He had come to catch her, had come to save her just as she had come to save him that day.

A shadow behind his head and Shepard’s head shot up catching Dr. Chakwas as she moved past the two of them ignoring the panicked Shepard and moving straight towards the bed. The woman held a long black material that dragged behind her as she moved and she watched as she crawled up onto the bed her hands moving up towards the window.

Joker’s other hand fell onto her face bringing her attention away from what Chakwas was doing and back to him. She could tell that he was talking; his mouth was moving a mile a minute no doubt trying to talk her down. She couldn’t hear him, a high pitched whine screaming in her ears and muffling the sound of anything around her.

Then a moment of muffled noise before Joker’s voice burst into her world and she brought her hand up to rest against his on her face. She blinked slowly allowing Joker to continue to calm her down, his voice reassuring her that everything was fine, that they would fix this. She was okay.

“Joker…”

Her voice was hoarse and it cracked as she spoke. Her throat was dry and she knew it was from the rough way she had been breathing. He smiled his hand retreating from her arm to adjust his hat out of his face before grimacing as his legs seared in pain.

Moving slowly she pulled her body up to sit fully on the couch, her legs dragging across the coffee table as she adjusted herself to face Joker watching as her pilot could finally lower his body to sit next to her. Chakwas grabbed the chair dragging to sit closer to the table as she lowered herself across from the pair.

“How did…How did you know?”

Shepard glanced between the two watching as Joker lifted his hand to the back of his head, scratching at his neck as he exchanged a glance with the ship’s doctor.

“I monitor every crew member. I noticed your heart rate was accelerating and Jeff asked that I alert only Dr. Chakwas instead of Miss Lawson.”

Shepard jumped as EDI’s voice boomed through the room’s speakers and she brought her hands to her chest clasping them together as she rested her elbows against her legs. She was thankful Joker had been the one to hear the alert originally, she couldn’t have imagined what would have happened if Miranda had come instead.

“Personally, I think added a _skylight_ to the room was a cruel and unnecessary addition.”

She smirked glancing towards her doctor. The woman sat with her arms crossed over her chest her chin lifted in the air as frustration and anger rolled off the woman like waves crashing against the shore. She was thankful her doctor was on board, not only to keep an eye on Joker but to be a familiar presence for herself as well. She needed this.

“That’s Cerberus; just another way for them to say ‘we love you’.”

Turning her attention to finally face her bed she glanced up a soft smile crossing her lips. The cloth Chakwas had brought in had been pinned up and over the window blocking space from view. It would be easier for her to fall asleep now; she wouldn’t have to see the stars as she fell unconscious. That would feel too close to dying, to watching her life fade through the stars.

“Shepard I’d like for you to come do a checkup as soon as you can. I’d like to look at your scars more too.”

The hair on Shepard’s neck prickled as the woman spoke. She had forgotten about the scars littering her body, her face. Her stomach churned as her hands ghosted up to her shoulder, she hadn’t been able to see her back yet, to see how Cerberus had rebuilt her.

Jolting to her feet she ripped her shirt up and over her head her eyes frantically connecting with Chakwas as she turned around her body trembling as she stared at the couch her throat squeezing shut once more.

“Yes Shepard, you still have them.”

She crumpled forward her knees connecting with the floor as her body slumped over the couch her hands nearly tearing the cloth of her shirt. Miranda had made it so clear to her that they had created her ‘as she was.’ She was sure Cerberus had access to her medical files, the files that had large and detailed images of the scars she bore for surviving Akuze.

The Maw’s acid had melted her armor, her trusted cover burning and seizing against her back. Gluing itself to her back, her shoulder and parts of her neck melting to her shoulder the doctors had to cut it off of her leaving large scars to litter her back. Large patches of multicolored skin dotted her back and she didn’t know if she was thankful they had added it or remorse.

What she couldn’t see and didn’t know was that her scars had grown. Instead of burn marks mauling her back they had cracked and split open, lines of vibrant red danced across her back glowing from the cybernetics inside. Those same lines crawled down her arms and etched themselves into her face. Miranda had said she had been woken too early; she didn’t have time to make sure the cracks were gone before Shepard was in battle.

Pulling herself together she tugged her shirt back over her head twisting around the face the other two.

“Joker, let’s get this doctor and save this vigilante, as soon as they’re on board I need to go to the Citadel, understood?”

Chakwas moved to her feet helping Joker out of his chair as he nodded to his commander before walking with Chakwas out of the room and no doubt back towards the bridge. Shepard stood for a moment trying to clear her mind of the experience before she moved towards her bed. Now that the heavy cloth covered the window she was able to close her eyes and without planning too and still fully clothed she fell asleep on top of her covers.

She didn’t know where she was the only thing she could see was darkness. Her breath hitched as she spun trying to find anything that stood out in the inky black landscape. She could hear something, so far off that it was just a whispered murmur that she would never be able to understand. It was a deep grumbling, a noise that sent a shiver down her spine despite not knowing what it was.

It was in the moment that she awoke in his space that he was able to see her light once more and it woke him from his sleep. His eyes rapidly scanning his room as his TV replayed the same video it was always on. Shifting under the thin blanket he adjusted himself so his head could pull the screen into view.

Shepard stood in front of a reporter her voice calm and collected as the brash woman threw questions at the commander that would have set his own blood to boil. Noveria, Feros, her conduct and the Normandy, the woman had to right to ask anything about those sensitive topics yet Shepard kept her head and responded pleasantly.

He had memorized the tracks by now it had been played for him enough times. He had looped her interview into a playlist that included recordings of her he had hacked out of the Alliance database as soon as he had been approved for an omnitool. Reaching for his nightstand he picked up a thin band placing it against the side of his head before draping it over his fringe.

Shepard’s voice crackled to life and he let a sigh pass his mandibles fluttering in the process. Clicking his TV off he lifted himself from bed slipping into his bodysuit he slipped his cowl on hiding the metal band from view. Only one other person knew what he had to do to get through life and there was no way he was going to let anyone else find out.

Draping himself in his black robes he adjusted them to sit properly before removing himself from his room nodding to the guard outside his room.

He had been moved from c-sec, there was no reason to keep him in the interrogation room any longer, not when he wasn’t fighting. According to Sparatus, he had stopped fighting 6 months in when Sparatus had brought a recording of Shepard into the room. It had taken Saren a while to finally pull himself from inside the darkness but once he had successfully done so he was finally able to talk to the councilor.

They were able to talk in depth once he had finally pulled himself out and he told the councilor everything he knew, everything he had told Shepard and Shepard had told him. Both refused to talk about the fact Shepard’s voice had been the thing to pull him from Sovereign’s grip. They both knew he would deny it and most likely end up turning off the radio and sending him back into the darkness.

So both stubborn men pretended like the woman drifting from the radio wasn’t the commander and just another person giving an interview in current time. He was thankful at least that Sparatus had a sense of secrecy that he could depend on that the information would not get out.

Sparatus had been the one to give him the headpiece allowing him to hear the damned interview over and over against his head. It was easy for him to tune her out, to focus on his task while her voice droned on and distracted the reaper.

It worked…enough.

Saren could still feel Sovereign, the pressure against his forehead, the static that blurred when he got too distracted. He could still hear his whispers fighting against Shepard’s voice as it screamed at him, told him things that burnt their places into his mind.

He had only fallen once after Sparatus had allowed him to move back into his apartment, permitting a guard duty at all time and they would remove all weapons and reaper related items he had stashed there. He had fallen asleep and lost power in the night, his TV failing and Shepard falling silent. When the power returned neither Shepard nor Saren awoke.

His TV had not restarted the recording and Saren was plunged back into the depths of the inky sea. He struggled, trying to replay the interview in his mind. He had heard it enough, he could recall exactly what Shepard had said to every question the woman threw at her, yet it wasn’t enough. The voice in his mind could never replace Shepard.

Sparatus had come for his weekly visit and found the turian still in bed and quickly turned the program back on turning up the volume and allowing Shepard’s voice to echo through his sparse room. As always her voice pulled him from the brink and he moved to the bathroom to vomit.

He lowered himself into one of the two chairs that sat before the windows covering his far wall. He was high enough up the wonderful view of the Presidium stretched out before him and he could watch as the skycabs scuttled by with unknown passengers. Of course, his window was bulletproof; it had been the first change to his apartment he had made.

On time as always, Sparatus lowered himself into the chair beside him and the two sat in silence for some time. They spent most of their visits like this, now that Saren was no longer a war criminal they didn’t need to worry about cuffs or restraints. The guards were simply to make sure he didn’t relapse into his prior state, a term Tevos had pushed.

The council had spun a tale that Saren had been a pawn to the geth. That indoctrination was not of his creation but the machines that had driven the quarians from their home planet. The public ate it up; the story that Shepard had been killed due to a geth blast had just pushed the public hate for the mechanical beasts, believing Saren had been a victim as well just made sense.

He was allowed outside with a guard, although Saren didn’t venture out much. He was recognizable and hated interacting with anyone, now that he was a more public face more people felt it was alright to approach him and the ex-Spectre hated it. Ex-Spectre wasn’t the right term really; his Spectre status had been ‘suspended until fit for active duty.’ He just didn’t know when he would be fit for that.

As much as it disgusted him Saren relied on the device strapped to his head, if during a fight it was taken off he wouldn’t be able to recover and that would lead to his death. Sparatus promised it would only be a show position if he reapplied but he still wasn’t even sure if he wanted that.

Sparatus cleared his throat and Saren’s head drifted in his direction his mandibles quivering in a questioning manner at the older turian’s hesitation to speak. It wasn’t like the brown plated male to not speak his mind.

“There ah…have been rumors…”

Saren crossed his arms twisting his head to look away from the male. He hated ‘rumors’ it ended up with bad leads and danger and honestly, it was disgusting that Sparatus would believe one enough to bring it up. A datapad was slid into his lap and Saren snarled bringing his attention to the paused video displayed on the screen.

“An anonymous source sent us this…”

His talon pressed against the screen and it crackled forward. It was a security feed; one overlooking what looked like a bridge to what, a merc hideout? Why was he watching this? He watched as a wave of blood gang members flooded over the barricade towards the camera and his mandibles flared out as he watched them drop one by one.

There had to be a sniper near where the camera was positioned, the lack of cover fire and spread proved a single person. Either that or two, the shots were precise and rapid enough that Saren knew it was either a highly talented sniper or a team of two.

It was the next flood over the barricade that drew Saren’s face closer to the screen. Three heavily armed mercenaries had dropped onto the walkway. With an arm movement from the middle merc they began to open fire on the team they moved in with, so they were helping the sniper?

On the left was a salarian with what looked like barely any armor. His movements were swift and precise though, his heavy pistol shredding apart the vorcha before him and if Saren didn’t know any better he would say the salarian was STG or had been at one point.

A thin woman in even less armor stood on the right and he wondered what had given them the bright idea to wear jumpsuits to a firefight. The shields around them seemed to be decent enough as they flickered on the screen deflecting a shot aimed at the woman. He couldn’t speak out too much against their attire, he wore light armor as well, strange for a turian his race preferring heavy armor.

The woman was lithe, her movements reminded him of a hanar with the way she slipped and bent her way across the battlefield. She was a biotic, the blasts blowing from her hands sharp and deadly upon impact with the krogan who had been charging her.

It was the woman in the center that forced him to restart the video. She hadn’t taken cover once since entering the walkway, her shoulders pushed back and head held high as she moved forward. Her hands gripped her assault rifle and he watched as precise bursts shook from the weapon. She wouldn’t waste ammo not when she didn’t know if there would be more.

Even on the video, its lack of color casting the image in an orange and black shade he knew her hair would look like fire swarming her head as it shook behind her in her walk. It had gotten longer, he could tell immediately the longer locks shifting as she walked.

He was right about the position of the sniper, the woman paused at the bottom of the feed her head lifting to stare straight up at where he assumed the person had sat. He felt a pain sear through his stomach as a rocket collided with the pillar next to her and she spun her rifle blasting to life as it attacked the atlas currently stomping its way down the path.

He pushed the video back freezing it once more on her face. Large cracks splintered her face; he could see the glow sharply in the low light of the video. It burnt from the sides of her face and her eyes and it took him aback by how much it mirrored his own altered face.

 His blue glow echoing from inside his mouth and behind his gaze and he wondered what had happened to her that had changed her that much. He didn’t care about that though, scars or not he knew what he was looking at even without Sparatus speaking.  

“Shepard’s alive.”


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard had carried Garrus into the med bay, refusing to allow anyone else to touch him. Once there Mordin and Chakwas immediately got to work. It was a stroke of luck that Shepard had picked up Mordin before Garrus, she wasn’t sure the turian would have survived without his help.

Shepard had dropped her armor in the middle of the mess hall as soon as the windows to the med bay were closed. There was too much blood on her armor and there was no way she could bring herself to look at it anymore.

She stripped her body suit next and a few crew members turned to look the other way giving her the privacy she didn’t ask nor care for. Miranda could order her a new set. She wouldn’t wear that one anymore.

The grumbling merc she had picked up near the Normandy dock was silent for the first time since she had grabbed him. Moving without being told he picked up her blue-stained armor and moved with it towards the room he had claimed as his own, the trash compactor was there and soon her armor would be space trash.

Staggering forward she toddled for a moment before arching her back to stand up straight and march out of the mess and into the elevator. She could hold it together, she could do this.

Shepard’s palm pressed against the button feeding the fish she had added to the tank and only after her eyes caught the flakes floating through the water did she lower herself to the floor.

She couldn’t do this.

As much as she wanted too she didn’t cry she couldn’t anymore, whether it was from Cerberus’ build or lack of tears left in her she didn’t know. She brought her knees to her chest her arms wrapping around them as the laid on the floor beside her fish tank.

She could still smell the sulfuric tang of Garrus’ blood as it pooled out of his body. There was so much blood, how could Garrus survive that? What would she do without him? Was death really so cruel that it would take him from her as soon as she had found him again?

She shifted, dragging herself to all fours hesitating for a moment before she rose to her full height once more. Black spots burst across her vision before she stumbled forward and into the shower. Her hands fumbling with the knobs before hot water poured out and sent a shock through her body.

She stood in the shower, her skin bursting into a pink color as the water boiled her flesh. She didn’t care, she knew at least with each passing moment she would be blue less and less, or at least the water was as the blood washed off her face and hair.

She knew Joker was already on the way to the Citadel, she had received word that she needed to speak to the council, something about reactivating her Spectre status or something. She really didn’t want to speak to the council but having her status again would make life a lot easier.

She dreaded going back to the Citadel, she had been dead for 2 years and she wasn’t looking forward to having to explain how she’s alive over and over. Especially since Cerberus had such a bad reputation, not that they didn’t deserve it. She had been there to see the experiments they had done, inhumane acts that she wouldn’t have believed if she hadn’t seen it firsthand.

Wasn’t she one of those inhumane acts now? How much had Cerberus spent on her to bring her back from the dead? Would someone have stopped their project if they had been found like she had done to so many of theirs?

Shutting the shower off she slipped out and quickly dressed in clothes she hoped wouldn’t stand out as much as a set of armor. Slipping on a pair of black fatigues and her normal boots she slipped a black t-shirt on before tugging on a large hoodie she had received from finishing the N7 program.

She wouldn’t question how they had gotten it or if it was even hers, for all she knew Cerberus just went out and acquired everything she had logged as her personal items when she brought her bag onboard originally.

There was a soft ping from her omnitool and she let out an audible groan, she really didn’t want to speak to Jacob right now but she had to put on her commander face and go take care of business.

She was thankful that the elevators Cerberus put in actually worked, she couldn’t stand the ones on the original Normandy, it took forever for her to get down to the garage. She had to give Cerberus that at least; they knew how to build things.

She knew just by looking at Jacob it wasn’t going to be a talk she wanted to hear, no doubt an update about Garrus that she would only half listen too. She would have Miranda fucking rebuild him just like they had done for her if it came down to it; she was not going to lose Garrus.

As suspected Jacob prattled on about how they were doing their best and if he made it he would be fine but they didn’t know when he would actually wake up.

With the soft swish of the doors opening her hope returned to her as she watched Garrus stride into the room. Jacob was verbally just as shocked as she was but this _was_ Garrus. Her strong right-hand man who kept her sane with the chaos that exploded around her during the hunt for Saren.

Her mouth was moving before she really registered, making some remark about how ‘he was always ugly’ and she couldn’t help the smile that tore across her face hearing him laugh. Only half aware of Jacob as he saluted and left the two alone it was only as the turian’s voice shifted to a more serious tone that Shepard realized he thought they were alone.

“That’s why I’m glad you’re here, Garrus. If I’m walking into hell, I want someone I trust at my side.”

He had apparently gotten better at comebacks during their time apart, he was quick to respond his body shifting as his mandibles flared with an emotion she could only guess at.

“You realize this plan has me walking into hell, too. Hah. Just like old times.”

He shifted again his body stilling at he fell back into his militaristic habits, switching from talking to a friend to talking to his commander.

“I’m fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I’ll settle in and see what I can do at the forward batteries.”

With that, he turned and left the room and she could only watch as he turned out of sight as the doors snapped shut behind him. She was alone and the guilt burst into her throat, her jaw clenching as she bit back her emotions.

Garrus was fine. She had been able to save him, she had been able to save Mordin and she was sure as hell going to save everyone else. Sure he had a few more scars now but that really didn’t seem to bother him much and he wasn’t wrong, there were women who found scars attractive.

“Commander I didn’t wanna interrupt your love fest but we’re about to dock.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose as she the holograms of the council flickered off and she turned towards Anderson.

“How…how do you deal with them every day?”

He chuckled and the two moved away from his desk to the balcony he had in his office. It was a rather large space, and while it was a nice office she could tell just by looking at him that Anderson wasn’t happy here.

She was still confident in her choice to recommend him as councilor as opposed to Udina, they needed someone who knew how things worked on the ground to represent humanity. She had never stopped to consider if Anderson really wanted the job though, although she was sure it was better than being Udina’s assistant.

They spoke for a while, the two of them catching up at what the council had been telling the galaxy while she was away, that the geth had built Sovereign and that the Reapers were simply something the geth had come up with and brainwashed Saren with. According to the council, it was the geth behind her attack, not the collectors.

That surprised her to hear, she knew the council wouldn’t be so open to announce the Reapers as a real threat. Publically announcing that there were giant beings from deep space that planned to annihilate everyone would cause mass hysteria and that was the last thing they needed.

For them to completely ignore the Reapers was frustrating. They should have at least had a few Spectres out looking for information. So what if Vigil on Ilos had gone down, she had saved their lives she at least deserved enough respect for them to take her seriously.

She huffed running her fingers through her hair ignoring the cracks on her scalp her fingertips caught on. They must have believed her enough; they had reinstated her Spectre status despite her actively ‘working with’ Cerberus.

She had tried to explain that she was simply using their resources but they wanted nothing to do with it. It was treason but if she ended her relationship with them quickly they would look the other way.

She was thankful Anderson believed her, had stood up for her and wouldn’t throw a pair of cuffs on her right now for treason. They spoke softly about her work with Cerberus, how she would funnel information for the Alliance work as a spy against Cerberus. She was more than happy to agree, she knew the Illusive Man would send her to bases to run his errands, it wouldn’t take much to send the coordinates off to Anderson or Hackett.

A soft chime rang from her omnitool and her brows furrowed her attention turning away from Anderson and towards her wrist. She had set it only to ping if it was an urgent message and her first thought was that Zaeed had already gotten himself thrown into jail.

There were two messages, a cryptic one with simply a location and a message from Sparatus which she knew was the culprit to the noise. She tapped the message and internally screamed at the words typed out before her. He wanted to meet her at a specific location to speak more.

She didn’t want to go, god if she could make it back to the Normandy and jettison to the other side of the galaxy she would, but she had other errands that were going to keep her here for a while.

She tapped back a quick message to let the councilor know she would be at the requested location before glancing at the coordinates from the other message. She didn’t know who sent them but she could pass by on the way to where Sparatus wanted to meet.

“Alright Anderson, duty calls. Just remember, there’s always room on the Normandy for you.”

He smiled his large hand clapping against her back before he walked her to the door watching as he turned to speak to Udina who had come back once more.

The Citadel was different, although it had been two years and Sovereign had done some pretty severe damage to the station. No doubt the council had taken the opportunity to make changes they had wanted for some time.

A part of her was thankful she had been gone for two years, for as she moved through the Presidium only a few heads turned in her direction. Her face had faded from most memories when the Savior of the Citadel had died so she was able to move through the busy walkways rather undisturbed.

A few people stopped her and she happily spoke with them, answered questions lied about where she had been. She was a Spectre after all her death could have been a needed cover to allow her to do more missions. She put her hood up as the familiar voice of Al-Jilani echoed through the halls, no doubt badgering someone else for an interview. The last thing she wanted right now was to talk to the aggressive reporter.

“Commander Shepard! Enter the password and receive a free gift!”

Her nose crinkled as she twisted her head towards the advertising screen calling out to her. Sure most ads were able to read bios to personalize their message but she wasn’t close enough for the ad to be able to read her. Narrowing her eyes she moved closer to the screen her brain flaring a signal for her to check the message with the strange coordinates. This was about the right area…

She pulled up the garbled mess once more, the coordinates had been placed between random letters, or so she had thought. Pulling the letters from the message she ran them through her omnitool's decoder pulling a few options up from the scrambled words.

“No…that won't work…uh…Silence is Golden?”

The screen crackled for a moment before the image disappeared, the voice continued though and the woman typed away at her omnitool trying to pull up the dossiers she had thrown across the room after Garrus’ accident. Thankfully Miranda had sent them to her omnitool and the woman scanned through the list. Was she supposed to know about this person?

“Good to finally meet you, Commander Shepard. Kasumi Goto. I’m a fan.”

She tripped over her words as her eyes scanned each dossier, this definitely wasn’t a krogan warlord she was talking with and the assassin wasn’t supposed to be on the Citadel.

“Has uh, Cerberus filled you in on the mission?”

Apparently this was one of her dossiers, just her luck to run into her without actually knowing who this woman was. The screen flickered again pulling the hooded figure back into view and Shepard watched as her lips curled into a content grin.

“Honestly, I’m shocked they didn’t come to see me sooner. My fault for being hard to find, I guess.”

She finally found the dossier for the woman crackling on the screen in front of her. Of course, Miranda had even included the password that the thief had so kindly resent her.

_Kasumi Goto_

_-Master of Stealth and Infiltration_  
-Skilled Hacker and Information Specialist  
_-No Criminal Record_

_Kasumi Goto is not the most famous thief in the galaxy—she’s the best. Trained in the arts of stealth and infiltration, she has “acquired” artifacts and information from all over the galaxy and yet maintains a completely clean criminal record. She is awaiting rendezvous with Shepard on the Citadel in the Zakera Ward.  
She will require the password -- “Silence is Golden”_

The woman had continued talking while she was reading the details on her arm, Shepard was sure the thief could tell what she was reading.

“I’m looking for my old partner’s gray box. A man named Donovan Hock took it, and I’m planning to get it back.”

She shrugged shifting from foot to foot as she looked around trying to keep her voice down as to not draw attention to the fact that she was conversing with an ad.

“If that’s what Cerberus promised, we’ll get it done.”

She woman laughed a bit before saying something about how she won’t need a gun, words that Shepard never liked to hear she felt better having a gun by her side. The ad switched off and she twisted her head pulling the woman into view as she dropped her cloak and revealed herself on the catwalk. She made a sly remark about how silly she looked before disappearing with the promise to see Shepard on the ship.

She was picking up a really weird set of people.

Grumbling she turned away from the catwalk where the woman had disappeared and trotted down the walkway towards her original destination. Kasumi had taken more time than she figured the woman would have and if she didn’t hurry she was going to be late. She really, really didn’t want to have to deal with Sparatus if she wasn’t on time.

She had heard of the restaurant they were meeting at only once before, Liara had tried to take her there and the commander had shut her down immediately. It was a rather expensive restaurant with a wait list long enough to make Shepard’s headache. There was no way she was going to give Liara _that_ impression.

She suddenly felt horribly underdressed as she jogged towards the meeting place. She hadn’t planned on meeting with Sparatus besides through holo in the council meeting. She really had to stop coming to the Citadel she was getting sick of the surprises the turian was throwing at her.

Turning the corner she slowed herself to a walk her palms sliding down the sides of her head to try and calm her hair the best she could she would at least make sure it didn’t look like she just jogged across the Presidium to get here.

She wasn’t out of breath; thankfully the daily workouts Miranda and Chakwas had made her had built her back up to the condition she was before her death. She knew she would be stronger now; Cerberus’ implants and cybernetics would make sure to that.

She slipped past the line much to the murmurs of discontent from the patrons who no doubt had been waiting for much longer and who were clearly dressed more appropriately. A sideways glare from the Maître d’ as she slid her way past a pacing turian and up to where she was standing.

“Uhm, I’m supposed to be meeting-”

“Ah Commander Shepard right on time.”

A taloned hand landed on her shoulder and it took everything she had not to flip the councilor over her shoulder and onto the floor. She really hated the surprises he was springing on her.

“Oh Councilor Sparatus, your table is ready right this way.”

The snooty asari shot her another glare and Shepard bobbed her head back her face curling as she shot the woman a look clearly stating she didn’t care about what she thought.

The blue woman turned on her heel and led the pair to a table tucked away in the back and Shepard was quick to step past Sparatus and into the chair facing the rest of the restaurant. She would rather sit with her back to the single table behind her than the entryway.

Sitting this way she would also easily be able to protect Sparatus if anyone tried anything, a small pistol hidden underneath her jacket ‘out of sight’ to please Bailey. She was once again a Spectre which meant there was never downtime, even if she hadn’t been reinstated she would still protect the council.

Sparatus didn’t seem to mind, he would let Shepard be comfortable. Honestly, he preferred for her to sit this way, it worked better in the grand scheme of his plan. He was thankful the woman still didn’t seem to completely understand turian body language or she’d see right through his shit eating grin.

While her attention was caught up with planning escape routes and counting potential threats his attention slid past her to the silver plated turian who had chosen to sit the same way Shepard had. His menu propped up in of his face allowed Shepard to twist and stare at the party behind her, glancing only for a moment as to not be rude she knew that if the…turian based on the talons, tried anything Sparatus would see it.

“I’ve read the reports Councilor Anderson has sent Shepard, but I’d like to hear the events of the last two years from you.”

Shepard twisted back in her seat ignoring whoever was sitting behind them to return her attention to Sparatus. That was why he wanted to meet her? She had expected to be ‘recommended’ more missions. Swallowing the lump in her throat she shifted in her chair her arms crossing to rest against the table in front of her.

“Ah, well alright….We went out to Alchera, responding to another tip about a geth outpost…”

Saren lowered the menu pulling the bistre colored turian and the flaming locks of his fellow Spectre into view. Every inch of the pale-faced turian’s body itched to bash the face of his friend in. The older turian sat with such a smug look on his face it took every ounce of self-restraint to keep him from doing just that.

His mandibles flared in irritation as Sparatus lifted his hand resting it against the side of his head a lone talon tapping slowly against his skull. A harmless move to Shepard, a fidget, a habit he might not even realize he was doing. Saren knew what the sly bastard was doing and reluctantly had to agree with the man.

He had simply come out of his home at the request of Sparatus to meet for lunch, he would have preferred the male bring it back to his apartment like he had every time before. Sparatus had called him out on this, challenging him with four stupid words.

_Are you too scared?_

Saren’s mandibles clenched against the side of his face with the memory trying to suppress the snarl that threatened to spill from the deceit. He, of course, had to prove to his councilor that he wasn’t afraid and came to where the male had requested, only to find Shepard trailing behind and the pair sitting a table away.

He was slowly piecing together why this was happening. He no doubt wanted to see if he could function without hearing Shepard’s voice if she was nearby. Although Saren already knew he could, he had felt her before he had seen her; a part of him had just hoped it wouldn’t be her.

Warmth had filled his body, his talons stung as blood rushed to the pointed tips, his toes flexing from the strange feeling. The burning static that constantly rattled his brain forcing migraines to bloom on an hourly basis ceased and Sovereign’s voice completely cleared itself from his mind.

He had grown used to the reaper’s constant whispers, the machines threats, and promises, bargains, and deals. So to hear it fall completely silent set him more on edge than he thought it would. He had never thought he would find familiarity in the old god’s constant noise but to have it disappear suddenly startled him.

It just made him wonder even more as to why this human was the one that could completely silence the creatures that built the Citadel and mass relays. His talons drummed against the table as he slowly worked on his drink watching as the pair ate their meal. Their conversation had shifted away from what had happened to what her plans looked like now, what she had on her roster of things to do.

He was honestly surprised with how much Shepard was disclosing, although if she was using Cerberus to obtain her goals it would make sense for her to keep the council updated. That way when she finally left the trash of an organization behind the council could play it as a mission they had given her to infiltrate them.

His eyes narrowed as he listened to Sparatus’ subharmonics shift, the arrogant tone forcing Saren to narrow his eyes as Sparatus let his attention catch Saren’s for a moment before moving it back towards Shepard’s waiting gaze.

“Shepard I have an idea.”

Saren couldn’t muffle his subharmonics this time and was thankful Shepard wouldn’t be able to hear the irritation flinging off of him in warning tones loud enough the waiter heading towards his table promptly turned to go the other way. He didn’t like the way Sparatus was setting this up.

“I’ve talked with the council and we’ve come to the conclusion that if we send another Spectre with you it will be easier for us to overlook your treason.”

Shepard was apparently as angry at this as Saren was. Her fists slammed against the table before she withdrew them to cross over her chest. He could see her face now; he had seen it before aimed towards him enough times he knew what she would look like.

Her nose would be scrunched causing the weird marks on her face to shift like stars in the sky. Her top lip would be curled up just enough to see a hint of teeth through her scowl. Her eyes would be narrowed, the charcoal she painted around them only forcing her eyes to appear like rough-cut gems, hard and cold as she calculated her opponents next move.

“You want to stick me with a babysitter!?”

Saren could tell she was contemplating standing if the energy bristling around her wasn’t a big enough clue, the slight lift her body had taken was. She hadn’t stood from her chair but she was no longer sitting as relaxed as she had been. 

“Actually, it would be the other way around.”

He watched the slight bob of her body as she touched back down to her seat her body leaning against the back of her chair. Now it was Saren’s turn to be upset, he now knew exactly where Sparatus was going with this. The question was did the turian actually believe Shepard would agree to this?

“We have a Spectre who has been out of commission for about two years; we need you to make sure he’s ready to go back into the field. Consider it…how did you put it? Getting off our asses to help you?”

Saren wondered what she looked like now, would she be surprised, still skeptical of the turian’s words. Sparatus was a politician that was sure, he knew how to twist and honey his words to be exactly what the human wanted to hear. She had been screaming about their lack of help back when she was hunting him and it was apparent the council still wasn’t doing much to help her.

“Fine, I’ll do it. I’ll need you to transfer me their files though, and we’ll need a believable story to spin for Cerberus.”

It was Sparatus’ turn to lean back in his chair; his arm’s crossed to mimic Shepard’s and Saren watched as his grin grew his mandibles stretching even further.

“Oh I think they’ll believe his story pretty easily. Wouldn’t you agree, Saren?”

Saren’s mandible’s flared as his subharmonics clicked in irritation, his luminescent eyes narrowing at the councilor as Shepard twisted in her chair her gaze locking on the turian behind her.

Saren’s eyes widened as his gaze caught the woman before him; large cracks mauled her face, a warm light burning from within like lava beneath her surface. Her eyes, once sharp and clear mimicked his in a way he wasn’t sure he liked, the soft glow of cybernetics pressing against the emerald color he was used to.

_“_ Saren!? You want me to take _Saren!?”_

She twisted in her chair her new gaze shooting back towards Sparatus and the younger turian lifted himself from his lonesome table to relocate to one of the empty chairs near the quarreling pair. He watched as she twisted her head back and forth between the two trying to form her thoughts into coherent words.

“You did agree, Shepard. Unless you don’t think you could handle it…”

The snarl that tore through Shepard’s throat was so animal like it caught both turian men off guard. Humans typically didn’t make noises such as those, or at least if they did it was never as true to their nature as Shepard’s was.

“I can handle it.”

She turned towards Saren her arms uncrossing as her pointer finger found it’s direction and froze pointing towards him. The expression he knew so well was there, just as he remembered, the only difference was the cybernetics laced within her features.

“Just make sure you remember _I’m in charge._ Be on the Normandy in two hours or be left behind.”

She slammed her seat backward ignoring the looks from the other patrons in the dining area. She was certain she could feel her blood boiling beneath her skin and she wasn’t sure but it felt like her skin was splitting along the cracks Cerberus had branded her with.

She stormed from the restaurant her face curled into a scowl as her fingers rapidly danced across the electric screen of her omni tool. She would have to set up a meeting with Miranda now and let her know there was going to be _another_ addition to their ragtag team.

Of course, the prim and proper Miss Cerberus was going to grill her for the next eighteen hours about how Shepard found Saren and why did she take the initiative to bring him along. Her jaw clenched and she curled her hands into fists squeezing as hard as she could to prevent them from meeting the face of an unfortunate passerby.

It wasn’t that she minded Saren coming along; he had been decent enough the last time they had spoken. It was the fact that she was going to have so much paperwork to do. That and the fact that the arrogant Spectre would probably ignore half the orders she gave just to piss her off.

With Shepard out of sight Sparatus turned towards his fellow turian, lifting his glass he took a sip before letting his gaze fall upon the frustrated pale face.

“Better get going Saren. You don’t want to be late now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dearies!  
> I'm on bed rest this week so I should be able to update again soon!  
> Thank you so much for your review!  
> I'm so glad so many people are enjoying my story!  
> I look forward to hearing from you more!  
> If you ever want to chat you can find me on tumblr under the same username (spiralgoddess)  
> I'll be happy to chat or answer any questions!


	6. Chapter 6

Groaning she flung the data pad away from her watching as it clattered against the others Miranda had placed on her couch. She knew she was going to have paperwork to do but at this point she was starting to believe Miranda was just making things up to punish her.

“Miranda, _Miranda_ you’re not listening-”

Her thick voice cut across Shepard’s tired one and the commander had to refrain herself from throwing the other data pad she was holding at her ‘perfect’ head.

“No Shepard _you’re_ not listening. Something is wrong; we need to put you back under so I can make sure whatever is happening here isn’t going to get worse.”

Her hand waved lazily over Shepard’s body and the commander finally snapped standing to her full height. She shot the data pad towards the woman, watching as she swatted it away. Slightly upset that the device didn’t actually hit the woman still lounging in her room, she settled for taking a single step towards her.

“Listen closely because I’m only going to say it once more. _You are not putting me under_ ; I’ve answered your questions and filled out your damn forms. I’m not ‘deteriorating’ Miranda.”

The woman opened her mouth to say something but the glare from Shepard kept her quiet and allowed the commander to finish what she was saying. If she kept going in circles she was going to throw her off the ship and say fuck all to Cerberus.

“You want a title to give him? You want a suitable reason to tell the Illusive Man so he’ll be pleased with your work? Tactical advisor, use that. I was lucky enough to snag one of the most talented Spectre’s on record to help us. That alone should be enough for your boss.”

Shepard took a step back moving around the chair she had previously been sitting in and towards the fish tank. Throwing her hands up in exasperation she whipped around letting her hands smack loudly against her thighs as they fell. She was done repeating this all they had done since she had told Miranda was sit and bicker with each other over the same sentences.

On top of that, she was sure it had been past two hours and she was starting to get pissed that Saren hadn’t shown up to save her from this nightmare.

“That not good enough? Reaper advisor, _how about that_? Saren knows more about how they work than we do, who knows, he might even know something about the collectors! If that doesn’t please him, then tell him it’s my crew and he can go fuck himself.”

It was Miranda’s turn to stand, simply lifting her hands in defeat she murmured a few fines before collecting the few data pads they had filled out and turning to leave her commander alone.

She couldn’t fight Shepard anymore, the Illusive Man had made it _very_ clear that Shepard was in charge and the last thing she needed to do was piss Shepard off and force the woman to do something stupid and reckless.

“Uh, Commander…I know I’m not supposed to disturb you and all but if I have to play the Turian Anthem one more time I’m going to be singing it in my sleep.”

Shepard’s face crinkled as she twisted her attention up towards the speaker where Joker’s voice crackled through breaking the tension filling the room. What was he talking about? Not supposed to disturb her? She hadn’t given that order… spinning to bring Miranda back into view she narrowed her eyes at the woman.

“I told him not to disturb us; too often you have him make an excuse to pull you away from paperwork Shepard.”

She could hear snickering over the comm. Joker had left open and wasn’t sure if he was laughing at her or whatever he was doing on the other end. She wasn’t quite sure why he was bringing the Turian Anthem into this, had Garrus requested the song?

Then she heard it, the music was muffled through the comm. but she was smart enough to figure out that he was currently blaring the damn song as loud as he could from their ship’s speakers. She wasn’t sure _why_ he was reminding the docking bay what the militaristic shit fest of a song sounded like but he was and she was going to figure out why.

“Fuck, alright I’m headed down.”

The silence from the comm. as Joker hung up was all she needed to spin away from her ‘second in command’ and head towards the elevator, the soft clicking of high heels behind her signaled that Miranda was no doubt in tow. At least she didn’t have to worry about the woman hanging around in her room until she got back.

She pressed her back against the hand rail in the elevator tilting just enough she felt her back release a small pop from the pressure she was applying. Lifting her arms she crossed them over her chest her gaze falling onto the woman she was sharing the ride with, she was going to have to think up new ways to get out of meetings if Miranda had already figured out Joker…maybe Garrus?

Shepard dropped her glance to her omni tool; Saren was now officially forty minutes late. After she figured out whatever Joker was up to she would leave, there was no reason for her to hang around. She’d simply comm. the councilor and tell him what happened before flipping him off and hanging up.

Her jaw seared as the thought worked its way into her mind and she resisted the urge to touch her skin. The movement wouldn’t be missed by the sharp-eyed woman and she didn’t want to explain what had just happened. If anything it felt like her skin had _torn_ at the thought.

 The doors slid open and she quickly strode towards where her giggling pilot was. She could hear him laughing all the way from the galaxy map so she knew whatever he was up to was no good. A few questioned looks aimed their way towards her as she moved down the bridge and all she could do was ignore them as she quickened her pace.

“Holy fuck Joker…”

Joker had minimized all the other screens before him, only a single camera angle was brought up and she knew the shot. It was the camera placed just outside the airlock, a camera Cerberus had installed to allow better information than the sensors the original Normandy had.

Standing outside her door, thoroughly pissed off was a saluting turian. His left hand was tightly curled into a fist pressed against the center of his armored chest, his right gripping a duffle hard enough Shepard was sure his talons had torn through the fabric.

“Oh man commander, I didn’t believe it but EDI was right, Turians _have_ to salute during their anthem. He’s been like this for what like an hour?”

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose, she didn’t want to open her mouth and she knew if she moved she’d most likely end up punching Miranda since she’d at least be able to refrain from punching Joker.

She could remember how frustrating the stupid anthems were from when the Normandy was under the Alliance’s ownership. As per military standard all anthems were to be played at the end of the day for respect or those races, unfortunately all were expected to stand at attention until the songs ended.

The growing length of standing still as she added more races to her ship made her rethink adding anything else. She remembered the Quarian Anthem, a strange mix of technical noises and a warbling voice thick through the helmet singing it.

The Krogan Anthem was heavy beats, almost animalistic grunts and words spoken for about thirty seconds before the song ended. She had asked Wrex why their anthem was so short only to have him laugh and wrap his arm around her neck bringing her closer to his face then she had ever been before simply stating that wasn’t the right anthem but he wasn’t going to correct them.

The Asari Anthem was…strange to say the least. The hypnotic music mixed with the pleasant tones of a matriarch whose name Shepard had forgotten about five minutes after Liara had told her. It was nice to listen too but after about a minute an eerie feeling would settle in her spine, similar to what she felt before Liara mind-melded with her.

Then there was the Turian Anthem, the heavy marching music with the sharp words nearly shouted out was about what she expected before she had heard it. The entire race was all about discipline and order she would have been shocked if it had sounded like any of the other songs.

The Human Anthem was strange, a mix of different types of music blended together by the best composers of the time. The Alliance was a military formed by every nation in the world so it was only expected that when the anthem played at the end of every day would respect each nation.

It took thirty minutes to get through all the anthems and the looks the crewmates would pass to each other a few minutes before the songs would begin and she understood. If she could stop them from playing the damn things it would be the first action she would take but the Alliance had rules.

Cerberus didn’t. There were no anthems that blared through the speakers and it had caught her off guard the first day. She had prepared herself to stand at attention and when five o’clock came and passed with no music she had to shuffle to Miranda’s room to ask her what was going on.

“I mean come on like I’d let that bastard on board.”

Joker’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts and she lowered her hand to grip the back of her pilot’s seat her white-knuckle grip squeaking against the leather and forcing Joker to shut up. Pulling on the back of the chair she forced it to recline bringing her pilots face into view. She stood silent for a moment trying to collect her thoughts before she took a deep breath hissing out her orders.  

“Miranda, clear the deck and disappear. Joker, turn off the damn music and open the door. _Now_.”

Releasing his chair Shepard took a step back pleased that at least Miranda had jumped on her orders and was currently moving down the bridge screeching at crew members to ghost the area. Joker’s fingers danced across the keyboard in a way his legs would never be able to move.

Content with the fact both were doing their jobs she turned and moved into the airlock, shutting the interior door behind her she waited for the soft hiss of the outer doors before they slid open revealing the seething Spectre.

He took two steps forward and into the ship the doors closing behind him and the automatic sensors kicked in decontaminating the pair before the inner doors would open. She lifted her hand to the back of her neck scratching at it for a moment before sighing.

“Please don’t kill my pilot I really can’t replace him.”

Saren stayed silent and Shepard could only pray that it was a good thing. She really didn’t want to have to fight the Spectre but if he moved to attack Joker she would have to put him down and fast. Joker wouldn’t be much of a challenge for the trained killer.

The inner doors hissed open and she murmured a thank you to her ship’s AI that she had closed the doors, sealing Joker inside the control room. Turning her attention back to Saren she couldn’t tell if the wobble in his mandibles was due to irritation of not being able to kill her pilot or if it was relief for not having to see her idiotic friend.

She dropped the hand pressed against her neck letting it hang limply by her side before she shuffled out of the air lock and towards her cabin. She actually hadn’t figure out where they would end up putting him but if they retreated away from everyone Joker could get his crew back and they could get away from the Citadel. She was sure Saren didn’t want to be out in the open anyway.

He followed her silently; she could hear the soft padding of his feet as he treaded behind her. His armor was a lighter model then Garrus’ the same style he had worn when they had been hunting him. The lighter style made him move much more silently, it was strange for her to hear such soft footsteps when she was use to Garrus’ heavy pounding.

The elevator ride was much more stressful than the ride she had taken only moments before, she had picked up on the soft crackling of Saren’s biotics and her brain was rapidly trying to figure out how to calm the turian down before they ended up in a fist fight in her quarters.

They moved quietly into her room, her hand pressing against the fish tank feeder out of habit. She dropped her arm onto the couch shoving the data pads off and onto the floor, ignoring her newly made mess she lowered herself into the couch motioning for him to sit across from her in the chair.

He stood for a moment looking around her room, it was bigger than he expected. He would have never taken Shepard as someone who had such needs, then again it was a Cerberus design and he couldn’t see a captain of a Cerberus ship taking anything lower than this.

His eyes moved from the growing population of her fish tank over to the desk near where she was sitting. A small desk light lit up what looked like a model of a turian fighter. It was curious to him that she would pick that design out of all the models he knew were available. Then again it was put together rather… his mandible quirked and he had to look away. She was putting pieces on backwards….

He dropped his pack listening to the soft thud of his items before lowering himself to sit in the chair positioned across from her. Shifting backward he crossed his legs his hands finding their way to rest in his lap as he lazily stared at his new commander.

Shepard sat a bit more sloppily her legs spread in front of her, elbows resting on her knees and her hands hanging in between her legs. She didn’t know what to say to the Spectre, she assumed he would do whatever job she handed to him but she honestly didn’t even know what job to give him.

She had told Miranda that he would be used as an advisor so she might as well use his knowledge for that. The last thing she wanted was for Miranda to catch Saren not doing anything, it would give the Cerberus employee a reason to kick him off the ship.

She cleared her throat shifting her body to find a more comfortable position before drawing her attention to the turian still sitting quietly across from her. 

“Ah so, you’re official position now is as my advisor?”

Saren refrained from allowing the shock to show on his face. His mandibles quivered slightly but the human was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice the knee-jerk reaction. He hadn’t expected the woman to give him such a high position; he expected to be working in the bowels of the ship. After her pilot's introduction, he figured she was just going to take off and leave him standing at the docks.

“The only problem is finding a place for you to stay…”

She scratched at the back of her neck exhaling a shaky breath before she motioned around her living quarters.

“So for now just…stay up here with me? Miranda said it was either that or we could give you a room on the crew deck but I figured you wouldn’t want to be surrounded by my Cerberus crew members…”

She trailed off her hand dropping lamely back to her lap watching him curiously. She wasn’t quite sure what he was thinking, he was stoic as ever and she figured he could give Miranda a run for her money on poker faces. Oh, she would have to see if he played Skyllian Five.

“I’m not up here very often anyway so we wouldn’t run into each other….Garrus says turians have an odd sleep schedule anyway? So…uh I mean if you’d rather be on the crew deck-”

“It would be easier if I was here.”

Shepard’s voice died mid-ramble and she snapped her mouth shut thanking whatever gods were listening for letting him speak and shut her up.

“If I’m to act as your advisor we need to work closely together. If our schedules will keep us as far apart as you’re claiming we’ll need all the time together we can manage.”

She watched as his attention scanned the room his head freezing on the large bed close to them. The words were bubbling out of her mouth before her brain had really registered what she was saying.

“I can ask Miranda to get another bed. We can swap it out.”

He slowly brought his attention back to the bumbling woman. Who was she? This wasn’t the strong loud-mouthed woman that foiled every step of Sovereigns plan. This was a stumbling pathetic human fidgeting much too often before him.

Her face had changed; a splotched red was crawling up her neck and painting her face an odd array of colors. The soft glow underneath her skin seemed to blend with the shade her face was changing. Her hands no longer sat unmoving, now they were twisting and turning, rubbing against each other as her nerves rose.

It disgusted him. Without her bulky black shell, she was smaller than he remembered, smaller than the presence she had brought with her when she had visited him so long ago. He could see the definition in her arms, the jacket she had worn earlier was thrown onto the bed no doubt forgotten by the female.

“I can sleep on the couch, we can alternate or you can order new beds. The beds would draw attention from crew members though and it would be left to you to explain why I’m living up here with you.”

True to what he expected her face darkened a few shades and the lines littering her skin popped and crackled. It moved like molten lava beneath her skin and he wondered if his own cybernetics moved like her own. He had never paid much attention to the lights littered across his skin or twisted within his arm.

Shepard moved to her feet quickly dropping to gather the data pads she had previously thrown on the floor. Dumping them into the desk chair she began to flit around the room showing things to the Spectre so he would know where they were.

It seemed she had just as much personal items as he did, the amount of drawers she opened to show him where he could put his personal affects was staggering. He briefly wondered if anyone Cerberus or not would ever have enough to fill up the amount of storage that surrounded the room.

She had moved up towards the entrance speaking loudly about a bathroom and a terminal for him to use, how she would make sure to sign off when she was done. Her hands were waving over the glass and now she was off about how they apparently wanted her to make ‘stupid model shits’ to fill the space.

“Oh! Make sure you let me know if you feed the animals!”

Saren was on his feet now, a few long strides towards the woman and he brought a small cage on a shelf into view. She had shifted to stand in the doorway to the bathroom and he was pleased to know he wouldn’t have to shower with the crew.

Narrowing his eyes he bent at the hip pulling a small brown blob into view. Darting out he watched curiously as it placed its paws against the glass and let out a soft ‘boop’ before retreating back into the house Shepard had apparently built for it.

“That’s Boo, don’t let Joker confuse you he calls him Minsc for some reason…”

Slipping behind Saren the woman pattered over to the fish tank waiting patiently for Saren to join her. Unlike before she fell silent, no doubt under the impression that he cared for the animals. Already up and having to pass her anyway to get to the sofa he moved towards the commander.

“These are my fish, I haven’t gotten an automatic feeder yet…the stupid configuration or something is off for it to fit yet. Stupid…anyway, we just need to hit the button to feed them at least once a day.”

Saren nodded as the woman paused and the smile that danced across her face shot static into his brain. It was quiet in her room, the soft murmur of her voice against his skull keeping him sane. His fingers twitched before slowly raising to his skull. Fumbling with the headpiece still hidden under his wrap the turian snapped the audio off allowing the room to finally fall silent.

Shepard kept still a smile beaming on her face at the male’s apparent agreement to care for the other members of their room. She wasn’t sure why it made her so happy but it was finally something she didn’t have to worry about and the pressure lifting from her chest at his compliance was euphoric.

Saren’s hand dropped to his side once the room was silent and he stared at the small human before him. The soft blue glow bit at her edges, fighting against the bright color her body held. The soft air moving through the room’s scrubber forced her hair to whisper against its blue background.

He followed the cracks in her face down her neck, watching as they splintered off to move down her arm and no doubt her back. He hadn’t realized in the brighter light of the sitting area that her cybernetics were visible on her arms a lone sliver resting on the back of her hand.

His prosthetic arm moved before his brain registered what he was doing and he watched as the heavily plated fingers dug into the soft skin of her arm. His attention moved away from her curious face down to her arm watching the flesh shift underneath his grip.

He would be careful; he wouldn’t break the skin on the woman’s arm although it would be easy with the sharp points on his hand. Sovereign and the geth had made sure his new arm would work just as his old one had, that he would be able to move it properly.

It could never replace his original though. The clunky arm moved slower and he had to be careful with his biotics to prevent the electric current from overwhelming his circuits. While he could feel with the fake it was dull and weak to his senses. He could easily press too hard without realizing it.

He lifted his talon to her arm and Shepard inhaled quickly watching as the sharpened bone found its place on her arm. She didn’t know what he was doing, although with his attention fully on her shattered arm she was sure it was the cybernetics he was interested in. They mirrored each other now. Both rebuilt and put back together, shattered and lost but moving to get better.

She relaxed in his grip watching as the claw traced her broken skin. It was twice the length of Garrus and she wondered why her blue clad turian filed his down so much. Was it a c-sec requirement? She hadn’t seen any turians in c-sec with talons this long so it was possible…

Exhaling the breath she was holding she simply watched as Saren did whatever he needed to do. She was glad the tension in the room had dissipated but whatever this new tension was sent the hairs on the back of her neck straight up. She would ignore the strange feeling though, if Saren was going to willingly work alongside her she would put up with a few odd mannerisms and an odd feeling. It would most likely pass anyway.

“Commander we’re about an hour out from Korlus.”

Saren’s grip tightened on her arm and she bit her tongue trying to bite back the hiss as the metal arm ground the bones in her arm. She inhaled sharply through her nose before opening her mouth thankful no noise squeaked out.

“Thanks Joker, tell Zaeed I want him ready to go, let Miranda know Saren will be accompanying me.”

At the mention of his name, the Spectre released her arm and took a step back. He watched as her hand fell to her side a large red mark blossoming against her skin from where he had held her.

“Uh, alright Commander, it’s your funeral.”

The comm. switched off and Saren let a noise pass his mandibles that she could only assume was irritation. Joker had an uncanny ability to get on the nerves of anyone he came in contact with. Unfortunately, his talent seemed to continue onto the turian and she was worried for her pilot once more.

“You don’t discipline your pilot?”

Shepard laughed before moving away from Saren ignoring the Spectre as she stripped her shirt from her body. She had changed in front of every one of her crew and she wasn’t about to let that stop now. If they were in a situation where they needed to give her first aid she’d rather her crew have no surprises about what they were going to find, especially her alien crew.

Saren watched as she walked away and he moved silently to lower himself onto the couch. He was already in his armor so there was no reason for him to change, unlike Shepard. Pulling his duffle forward he pulled his pistol from within the bag. The vibrant red and black weapon shined in the light as he moved to disassemble and reassemble his gun calibrating it as he went.

Shepard jerked at the sight of the pistol, thankful Saren’s attention was elsewhere. The gun forced a heavy feeling to rest in the back of her throat that she couldn’t swallow away. It brought memories of his attempted suicide back to the front of her mind and she wondered if his mind was whirling as much as hers.

She stripped down turning her back to the turian as she moved to find her body suit in the drawer she had dumped her armor into. She felt the trickle down her spine and she knew the turian had turned his attention towards her instead of his gun.

He had, his attention had shifted with the rattling of her armor being tossed onto the bed. Drawn into her back he couldn’t stop the flare of his mandibles as his head jerked backwards his fringe clattering against the back of the couch. He had seen scars on humans before, the thin lines that splattered their bodies or bubbled skin where bullets had caught them off guard.

He had never seen such warped skin before and he unconsciously leaned forward to get a better look at the woman’s back. Splattered scars burnt against her back and the same lines that had caught his attention on her arm wormed their way against her back. What had caused marks like this? Was this a result of her being rebuilt by Cerberus? Or were these marks Cerberus had decided to bring over?

She wiggled her lower half into her body suit before pulling it up and over her back slipping her arms into the suit and tugging the zipper up to close the front. Turning to face the turian she couldn’t help but laugh at the fact he didn’t try to avert his attention when she caught him staring. Garrus would whip his head so face she was afraid the poor boy would break his neck.

“Thresher Maw.”

Gears whirled in Saren’s mind as he connected pieces of information together. He had read her files while she was hunting him, something she no doubt knew from the lack of information she had just shared. He knew the mission she had been sent on to Akuze, the death that followed her as she fought to survive. He wondered if she knew of the rumors that it had been a Cerberus experiment that had set the Maws upon her.

She moved to the bed snapping her armor pieces on and slipping into her shoes. Saren watched as she continued to build herself up, her figure bulking out as she placed the carbon fiber pieces against her body. With her chest piece finally clicking into place he could hear the soft hiss as the armor situated itself and her shields flared up around her.

She opened the weapons locker she had shown him earlier and pulled her assault rifle and sniper rifle from within. He had seen her use the sniper only a few times, she preferred to be in the center of the fight her assault rifle jumping to life with precise shots. He was always surprised that she had chosen an assault rifle over a shotgun with her center action.

Sittin in the chair he had just been in she lowered her assault rifle onto the table her sniper slipping and locking into place on her back. Thick armored hands rested against her M-8 Avenger and she began to work on calibrating it allowing Saren to turn his attention back towards his HMWP Master Pistol and the two fell into silent work.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard crossed her arms her eyes narrowing at the turian currently keeping her from her mission. She could hear Zaeed shouting about something in the shuttle and just prayed he wouldn’t tell the shuttle driver to drive and leave her behind.

“I’m just saying, Shepard, can you really trust these two? You should take someone who you can trust…”

He lowered his head and she bit her tongue to keep herself from lashing out at the male. Garrus meant well, he had tried to stop her before she had gotten to the shuttle but she had told him to walk and talk. Now she wished she would have stopped to talk to him out of earshot of the other two.

To keep their conversation private Garrus kept his head extremely close to Shepard’s his voice barely a whisper forcing Shepard to keep her head close to his. She sighed stiffening as he lifted his hand to rest on her shoulder.

“I- _We_ can’t lose you again Shepard…”

She pressed her head forward gently head-butting the turian in front of her. She had learned quickly from Wrex that a head-butt would end a conversation. She was tempted to reel back and smash her forehead into the turian’s but she figured a gentle bump would be enough to get him to stop.

Garrus’ voice trailed off and Shepard thanked the spirits that it actually worked in shutting him up. He bumped his head back against her and she rolled her eyes slugging him on the shoulder.

“Zaeed is literally paid to keep me alive and apparently unlike everyone on the ship I trust Saren. End of conversation Garrus.”

He made a noise Shepard hadn’t heard before forcing her to shake her head and move away from the male. He took a few large steps backward before turning to exit the area and allow the shuttle to drop. Finally able to enter the shuttle she didn’t miss the odd look Saren was giving her.

“Can we get a fucking move on?”

She grimaced at the old man’s grumbling before knocking on the shuttle door allowing the pilot to shut the door and drop out of the Normandy towards their destination.

“Alright, the dossier doesn’t say if Okeer is here by choice so we’ll assume hostiles.”

Zaeed mumbled something under his breath that Shepard didn’t catch so she decided to ignore it. The man constantly had comments to give although she found the stories he rambled on about in his room were actually quite interesting. She would have to make sure she stopped by more often to hear his tales.

Their shuttle lurched to the side and she stumbled catching herself on the door before she tipped into the empty seat beside the quiet turian. Grumbling she righted herself her fist slamming on the shuttle door.

She pulled her rifle from her back shouldering the weapon as the shuttle shifted lowering close enough to the ground that they could easily jump out. A loud hiss and the door swung open letting the trio empty out from inside immediately moving to find cover.

They held cover for a moment waiting for the shuttle to take off and she was thankful that at least their arrival hadn’t alerted anyone to their position. Her attention shifted away from the shuttle towards Saren who was fiddling with something under his cowl, maybe the cloth was uncomfortable?

Garrus never wore anything like it and she had never seen another turian wearing a band like it. Then again Saren was the only turian she had met that was…what was the term…barefaced? Maybe he wore it because he was bare faced? She was tempted to ask him but the crackling of loudspeaker interrupted her.

“There is only one measure of success; kill or be killed! Perfection is your goal.”

She rolled her eyes lifting herself from behind the barrier before moving around the broken rubble and down towards where Okeer was last reported. Zaeed piped up, she would have been more surprised if he had been silent honestly.

“Canned orders over a loudspeaker? Classy.”

She snorted moving to bump her shoulder against the old man and he broke into a chuckle staring down at the smaller commander.

“You think so too? I wonder if I should do the same on the Normandy…”

Saren watched as the two bantered back and forth shoulders bumping as they tried to knock each other over. Shepard was much more comfortable with her crew then he had ever been with anyone. He hadn’t even been this close to his family, although turian culture didn’t really approve of what Shepard was doing.

People in command were supposed to lead, keep an air of superiority and control. Shepard had a different way of gaining the respect of her crew; she lowered herself to their level. She talked with them, joked with them, he had seen it when she was hunting him and now he was seeing it again first hand.

This was a new crew member, one he hadn’t seen during Sovereign’s invasion. The scarred man wore bright yellow armor, something he was certain he’d remember. Watching intently as he reached up knocking Shepard on the back of the head the commander huffed before slugging him on the side.

They acted as if they had known each other for years, moving down the path while continuously beating on each other and laughing. It was almost as if they had forgotten that they were here to retrieve a krogan warlord. A strange feeling hit his chest and he tightened his grip on his pistol as he followed the pair.

This was a side of Shepard he had never seen before; besides the small burst in her cabin, he had always seen a strict and screaming human. She was always charging in, a scowl tearing at her lips, no hesitation as she fired at the geth charging her.  

He had resumed the soft chattering of Shepard’s voice over his headpiece, he would rather have the buzzing in his ear then have something happen if they had to fall silent or separate in the field. He could experiment when their lives weren’t potentially in danger. His mandibles flared and he lifted his pistol hissing towards the two humans.

“There’s a lookout ahead.”

It was fascinating to watch her. She separated from the human drifting back to take point and without a word the man fell back to flank the side Saren wasn’t watching. She lifted her rifle nestling it into her shoulder she hunched her body into the gun ready for whatever was around the corner. This was the commander he was used to, the woman he had seen so much on the battlefield.

Saren nearly screamed as she dove around the corner, her rifle bursting into life as her shields crackled around her with the number of hits it was taking. He watched as she rolled behind cover and he stepped forward launching his hand towards the enemies. He smirked as a burst of biotics ripped from his hands and tore through the enemies forcing them to stumble.

Shepard moved as his biotics rippled around them, lifting herself from cover she released her anger against the mercs. Zaeed moved around them his gun flashing as he went and with a soft curse, he hit the side of his gun ejecting the heat sink and quickly swapping out a new one.

There was no word from the woman as she launched herself over the barrier and Saren shifted to move around the piece of metal she had taken refuge behind. Her shields flickered again and his pistol found the remaining merc marking him in the forehead as he flew backward crumpling to the ground.

There was no praise from the woman, not that he needed or wanted her to do such. She had fallen into the serious commander mode he had been so observant about before. Her rifle trained itself on a merc they had failed to initially kill, with his wailing though someone would have assumed he was about to die.

He sat silently as he watched the exchange, his mandibles flickering as his jaw shifted into a smirk. Shepard was playing on the desperation the merc was exhuming. Her omni tool flickered to life as the medigel application was called forward and the look shifted on the man’s face before he was spilling everything he knew.

It was disgusting to see how weak the human was, he was so easy to betray his command just because his head had told him his wound was going to kill him. If he took a minute to breathe the man would have clearly seen that the wound wouldn’t need immediate attention.

Shepard was kind to the man in a way that was almost disturbingly cruel. She played on his emotions and ended up persuading the merc to lie to his group that there was nothing wrong in this area. Saren’s eyes narrowed as his attention drew to her neck, he could have sworn he saw one of the cracks retreat and disappear into her neck.

The merc was telling an interesting story about what was happening up in the labs. It struck a familiar chord with something he had tried to achieve two years ago. The woman, Jadore, was attempting to create a krogan army and apparently it was backfiring fast. At least he krogan he created actually listened to orders.

Shepard’s omni tool flickered to life once again as she wove it over the males wounds. He wouldn’t have done that, he would have told the male to run, and then shot him in the back of the head as he tried to flee. The old man was speaking again but Shepard’s replies were short and sharp, she was no longer bantering like she had been before.

Turning the corner her shields covered her in a blue light as she came under a hail of gunfire once more. Falling into a wordless dance the trio moved around each other. Shepard had switched to her sniper, thankfully lowering herself behind cover as she picked the mercs from the higher advantage points they had nestled themselves into.

Zaeed sprayed bullets with his rifle moving in odd patterns to prevent himself from taking a lot of damage. With every merc that fell it seemed as if the man was regaining years of his life, his movements quickened and he grew louder with his cheers.

He found cover a few points up from Shepard allowing him to nail enemies with stasis or shockwave depending on what his teammates needed. It was odd for him; he would stasis an enemy and move to shoot them only to find Shepard had already taken them down. He was used to working alone, it as oddly easy with a team and he wasn’t sure if he liked it.

They moved through the maze the crumbling building had created for them to head towards the lab. They were under constant fire; no doubt the mercs had radioed forward alerting each lookout to shoot anything that came around the corner.

They were fluid though, the three of them moved easily together and he found himself appreciating Shepard’s tactic to bring an odd combination to battle and force them to work together. He worked with them as if he had been their teammates for years, his biotics constantly rippling to aid the pair in taking down the enemies they were facing. Their expert shots allowing him total concentration on his biotics without the fear of switching to his pistol.

Shepard’s hand shot out to the side stopping both Zaeed and himself, the lone Krogan standing in the field had drawn the trio’s attention and he watched as Shepard holstered her gun the masked beast quickly moving towards the human. Despite Shepard’s command to lay low her squad kept their weapons up and at the ready, both men had dealt with Krogans before and they would need to act fast if the Krogan snapped.

Shepard was still as the Krogan approached its words were softer than Wrex’s loud shouts and she listened patiently as it formed the words needed to relay its message. Apparently, her smell had calmed the krogan? Its face grew even closer and for a moment she thought the Krogan was going to place its head against her chest.

It took a few steps back and she could hear Saren and Zaeed conversing on how it must have been bred full-sized. Her stomach churned uneasily that for the week this Krogan had lived it had only known bloodshed and war. She listened as he spoke of the glass mother, of how he failed his purpose before being flushed from the tank.

Her rage boiled in her blood as he spoke, Saren’s voice fluttering behind her about a lab of Krogans and how similar it was to his lab on Virmire. She had lost Kaiden in that lab, he had sacrificed his life to prevent something like this from happening and yet here it was all over again.

She ripped herself from her thoughts her voice cracking slightly as she spoke. The Krogan was quick to respond before turning towards a large slab of metal blocking their path. The Krogan turned towards her mumbling words of ‘callings’ and ‘waiting’ and Shepard was half tempted to head-butt the damn boy and have him follow her up anyway.

Biting back the instinct she watched as the Krogan wobbled away and she made a note to come back this way and take him with her if he was still alive. She hoped he would be, Wrex would be able to help him on Tuchanka, it would be better than waiting to be shot.

Shaking her head she pulled her rifle from her side and pushed forward, Saren and Zaeed falling into place beside her as they pushed through Jedore’s henchmen and towards the Krogan Warlord responsible for all of this.

...

Groaning she stumbled forward her hand pawing at the door lock as she stumbled forward. Seriously how many henchmen did this lab need? It was in the middle of nowhere, to begin with, who would barge in beside her!? She waited as the door slid open, the lab inside didn’t catch Shepard off guard but the Asari waving her hands and calling the commander’s name did.

Rana Thanoptis. The damned asari that had been helping Saren back on Virmire was standing before her in a situation too familiar for Shepard’s liking. She watched as the woman rambled on, her eyes shifting away from Shepard and towards Zaeed as he wandered into the room the merc poking the Krogan resting on the table with the tip of his gun checking for signs of life.

She hadn’t realized Asaris faces could pale similar to humans when confronted with a haunting past, but Shepard watched as the color fled the woman’s face as Saren moved into the room. The silver plated turian caught the woman’s attention and her voice fell to a quiet whisper, wide eyes flashing between the human and turian.

Shepard smirked before jabbing her thumb over her shoulder and towards the door. She would let Rana go; there would be no reason to kill her. Honestly, the woman had a good heart; she wanted to help cure the genophage she just really needed to find better people to team up with.

The woman sprinted from the room, nearly catching herself on one of the examination tables she fled from the room and Shepard couldn’t help but turn her attention towards Saren.

“If you make all Asari flee like that I think I’ll bring you on more missions.”

The turian’s head reared as if he had been insulted and Zaeed’s laughter filled the room. It wasn’t that Shepard disliked Asari, they were all just too touchy-feely and she was constantly having to turn away the blue suitors.

“Come on we should almost be at Okeer.”

Her hand patted Saren’s shoulder without a second thought, a familiar action that caught the male off guard. Shepard had always been an interesting subject to watch, it was one of the main reasons he kept Sovereign from just blasting her off the face of the Earth.

She had different persona’s she would slide into depending on the situation. The strong warlord he had mainly seen dominating the battlefield, the friend she became with her crewmates and the soft heart she wore with certain members. Of course the stoic elite military personnel he had come to know her as during her interviews and mission briefings he had watched non-stop.

Saren’s mandibles flared as Okeer spoke; the arrogant warlord reminded the turian so much of how he acted under Sovereigns control. The Krogan thought he was better, stronger and more deserving of her praise and a small part of him he’ll never recognize flared with joy that Shepard refused to give him the honeyed words he kept digging for.

He was demanding, something about how Jedore needed to be taken out to protect the Krogan stuck in the tank beside him. How they were to protect that creature above their own lives. A foolish thought but before Saren could snap at the Krogan, Shepard had left the room and was facing the swarm of henchmen Jedore was throwing at her.

Saren moved after her watching as Okeer typed away rapidly at the console beside him and Saren rolled his eyes. Slipping into battle he threw his biotics about assisting this time with pistol fire to help Shepard as she rolled and dodged the ATLAS the best she could.

He wasn’t worried about her against the machine, she could handle herself against the ones he had thrown at her a single ATLAS wouldn’t be an issue. The rockets Jedore was blasting around the room was another problem.

Shepard had turned her back to the blue-clad woman ignoring her while Zaeed did the best he could to keep her attention. Rolling from behind a crate she knelt before the ATLAS firing away against the glass front and watching as sparks burst from the inside before the machine blew itself to pieces.

Her moment of victory was rudely interrupted by a rocket Jedore had sent into her back. Blue burst from her body as her shields blew and her body sailed forward with the impact of the explosion.

Her head smashed against the metal floor and she briefly wondered why she hadn’t worn her helmet as the pressure snapped her nose. Her body bounced once before slamming into a metal barrier near where the Atlas had exploded. She could hear the bones snapping as her body wrapped awkwardly around the object.

Collapsing to the floor she heard Zaeed shouting at her through the comms but couldn’t respond. Her chest burnt as she heaved in air her armor an unbearable pressure against her broken ribs. A trembling hand rose to her arm where she smashed the medigel and allowed it to flood her suit numbing the pain that broke black spots into her vision.

A white figure crouched in front of her, it’s gun rapidly firing at what she could only assume was Jedore, the bitch of a woman still running towards the crumpled commander. The figure dropped his gun his hands lifting upwards as he stood to his feet launching a purple wall towards the woman. The energy connected squarely against the woman’s chest and sent her flying Zaeed firing another magazine into the woman who finally fell and refused to get back up.

“Shepard.”

She watched as Saren turned his talons snapping his pistol into its holster before lowering his hands to rest on her side. Groaning she waved his hands away stumbling to her feet he watched curiously as she fought to stand on her own. She wasn’t about to go down right as they finished the mission, she would suck it up for a few more minutes to go and tell Okeer to get his ass onto the ship.

The warlord was gone, just a recording and the tank grown Krogan left in his place. The damned fool had died to keep his project safe. She hailed the Normandy, they would need help getting his tank onto the Normandy, she wasn’t about to leave it here.

She ordered Zaeed out, she wanted him to go back and see if the other Krogan was still alive and willing to follow them to Tuchanka. She made sure to stress to the merc that he shouldn’t come back without the Krogan if he was still alive. She should have sent Saren with him just as back up but she was too worried that she’d black out from the rippling pain if she was left alone.

It didn’t get past her that Saren shouldered the woman out of the way when a small number of her Cerberus crew came to load the Krogan onto the shuttle. He refused to let her near the tank as he helped the humans lift the heavy object the assist of his biotics making the task much easier.

She collapsed into one of the seats in the shuttle watching as Saren silently lowered himself down beside her. They waited only a few moments before Zaeed came jogging around the corner. The merc was silent as he sat across the shuttle from her and Shepard only lowered her head in response. She didn’t need to hear it to know what he was going to say. 

Silence filled the shuttle as they headed back to the Normandy and Shepard let her attention fall on the resting face of the Krogan sitting in the middle of the room. She had cleared it with EDI that it would be put in the port cargo until they figured out what they were going to do with him. 

Shepard already knew what she was going to do, she didn't have to talk to Miranda or anyone else on the ship. They needed a Krogan and if Okeer was right this one in front of her was supposedly the best. She would release him as soon as they were back on the ship and Chakwas had a chance to patch up her ribs. 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

She was surprised Garrus wasn’t waiting in the docking back for the shuttle to come back, she had expected him to be there to check over her and brag about how he was right and they hadn’t been able to protect her like him and blah blah blah. She was thankful the turian wasn’t, she really didn’t have the energy to listen to him.

Zaeed bailed from the shuttle first, a loud shout about how he was going to have a drink if anyone wanted to join him. As tempting as the offer was to the redhead the pain searing through her body when she stood proved that she should probably go and see Chakwas first.

She stumbled forward a single talon catching under her elbow to help steady her the little bit she needed. Her head shot over her shoulder to stare at Saren, she was surprised he had even bothered to help her. His attention seemed to be over her and into the docking bay, although she could have sworn she saw his eyes drop down to look at her for a moment.  

Stepping down and out of the shuttle, his hand moved back to his side allowing her the ability to walk past her crew without them noticing their commander needed someone to lean on. She could already feel their gazes as she walked by and knew it was due to the blood splattered across her face from her broken nose.

She wasn’t in nearly as much pain as she had been before the shuttle ride, she had jammed the medigel button twice more to help with the pain echoing from her rib cage and was sure she would get an earful from Chakwas about abusing the medication.

Saren slipped into the elevator with her and she was thankful he had decided to walk with her. It seemed like most of her crew were hesitant to be around Saren for they gave her a wide berth and none decided to ride the elevator with her.

The doors slid open and she was caught off guard as Saren followed her out onto the crew deck, she figured he would just stay and ride it straight up to the cabin. There was no need to follow her the few yards to the med bay, it was seriously unlikely that she would lose her balance in such a short time but she was thankful none the less that he had followed her.

He stood outside the med bay though, watching her carefully as she navigated past a ‘tsking’ Chakwas to one of the beds where she could lower herself down and the doctor would be able to patch her up. It wasn’t until she had lowered herself onto the bed did she hear the soft noises of Saren leaving and the loud swish of the door as it registered there was now nothing blocking the sensor.

“Do I even want to ask why the man who was trying to kill you in now making sure you get to me safely?”

Shepard groaned using the question as an excuse as Chakwas helped her out of her armor and bodysuit to access the damage the bitchy woman had done. She would have to order another set of armor, thankfully she kept two or three on hand now but it was starting to get on her nerves.

Her chest plate had cracked during the tumble and the fiber carbon had pierced through her front, it made sense as to why she was in so much pain, although it surprised her no one had said anything about the large chunk broken off.

“Oh, no one told you? He’s my advisor now…courtesy of the council.”

Resting back she closed her eyes allowing the older woman to work her magic and patch her up. They laughed as she worked, the doctor had that magic to make Shepard feel at ease while she was completely vulnerable to anything that happened. She still hated shots but she would at least take one for the team if it meant making Chakwas happy.

 

She knew what she was going to have to do next. She was going to have to go and let the Krogan out of his tank. The team needed a Krogan, a heavy hitter and if Okeer was right his prototype was the best one to take his place. She would have loved to have Wrex back on her team but he was hard at work on Tuchanka and she couldn’t pull him away from his people.

She knew she was going to get backlash from it, Miranda had already sent her two messages on her omni tool about how she needed to speak with her _before_ Shepard decided to open the tank. She really didn’t want to talk with the woman though, with her luck while they were talking she’d have Cerberus members take the tank somewhere else or load it into another shuttle to take to the Illusive Man. She’d rather have a krogan rampaging around her ship then let the Illusive Man get his hands on him.

-

She clenched her teeth staring down at the tan Krogan growling up at her. Her finger feathered the trigger, she wouldn’t pull it yet, not unless she was sure he was going to take her out. He was only peacocking, trying to feel out if she was higher than him.

He lived up to what Okeer wanted from him. He was certainly smarter than other Krogan she had met and he had more mental function than the Krogan they had found wandering Jedore’s compound. His quick acting in pinning her to the wall proved his fighting and survival instincts were still intact.

She was at least thankful that Okeer’s imprint had failed on the Krogan, she really wouldn’t want to have dealt with Grunt if he was as headstrong on his opinions as the Warlord had been. He was at least willing to listen to her, he wanted a reason to fight, a reason to live and continue moving forward. She understood that feeling, more than she’d ever share with him.

“Our enemies are worthy. No doubt about that.”

He hummed and hawed, and she could almost hear the gears in his brain whirring as he tried to see a flaw in her words. She would happily tell him more, that the Reapers were a galactic threat and there really was nowhere else he was going to find enemies more worth killing than with her.

“That’s…that’s acceptable…I’ll fight for you.”

She would have let out a sigh of relief if she wasn’t worried the noise was going to trigger the tank bred into a rage about how her weakness was showing. Her index finger left the trigger to press itself against the side of the pistol to prevent herself from shooting the Krogan who had just joined her.

“I’m glad you saw reason…”

A confused chirp of a noise echoed through the bay as the Krogan dropped his head to spot the pistol pressed against his armor. His laughter came next before he finally freed the human and took a step back letting her peel herself off the wall.

“Heh, offer one hand but arm the other…wise Shepard.”

He hesitated only a few moments before continuing, his head bobbing as he spoke to her, his eyes bright in the low light of the room.

“If I find a clan if I find…what I want. I’d be honored to pit them against you.”

With that he walked away from her and back towards his tank, he stood for a few moments with his back turned towards her and she wondered if he was checking out the tank he had just come from. He suddenly spun back around to face her before bobbing in place.

“Yeah…So just ask EDI if you need anything. I’ll send someone down in a bit with a terminal and a few other things for you.”

Grunt nodded an odd hum of approval from him and Shepard turned to leave the room. As soon as the door closed behind her she collapsed to the floor her lungs heaving in the air. It had taken everything she had to stay conscious when Grunt had slammed her against the wall. Her ribs still in searing pain from Jedore’s blast had most likely broken again from the weight of a Krogan slamming against her.

Heaving herself to her feet she stumbled the few feet to the elevator before crumpling against the railing along the back wall allowing it to hold her up and let her catch her breath. Oh man, Chakwas was gonna be pissed. Taking a few shallow breaths she clenched her jaw once the door opened and straightened herself up the best she could. No way was a Cerberus crew member going to see her in pain, she had made it the first time she was going to make it the second time.

Head held up and breath held she strolled towards the med bay, a curt nod to Gardner as he called out to her and she slipped into the med bay her breath escaping her lips in a quivering sigh. Without looking up from her computer she watched as Chakwas closed the shutters on the window to the mess hall, the room grew gradually darker and Shepard lowered herself back onto one of the beds allowing Chakwas to do what she needed.

She sighed as Chakwas helped her out of her fatigues, the front now sticky with blood as one of the stitches had popped and the doctor shoved her backward the redo the work she had just done less than an hour ago.

-

Dragging her body through the bridge she ignored the questioning looks shot her way by the crew. She normally maintained a better appearance around her crew but she wasn’t in the mood to play commander. No, she was tired and sore and probably bleeding again but she wasn't going back to Chakwas.

She stood for a moment behind her pilot blinking slowly as she tried to push the sleep from her brain; she didn’t want to fall asleep standing up but it was getting harder to stay awake.

Tugging at the hoodie that had slipped from her shoulder she covered her bruised skin. She thankfully kept the med bay stocked with clothes, she was in there enough it would be stupid not too. So now she stood disheveled beside her pilot wearing sweatpants, a hoodie and had ditched her shoes for just a pair of thick socks.

“Kicked outta your own room huh commander?”

She groaned pinching the bridge of her nose as she exhaled deeply. Saren had retreated into the captain’s quarters as soon as he had deposited her into the med bay and she hadn’t had the chance to go up yet. Not that she really wanted to hear him yell at her either, not yet at least.

She shifted to lean against the side of his seat her head drooping as she fought to stay awake. She needed to sleep; she needed to help her body recover but no matter where she went someone was waking her up to ask her something. She had crawled into the bunks near the mess hall just to get a quick nap after Chakwas had patched her up the second time only to have Garrus barge in and reprimand her for waking up Grunt.

The blue-clad turian barraged her, questioning her sanity and thought process. He went off on how he had warned her that her new teammates wouldn’t be able to protect her as well as he could, his talons motioning to the destroyed state her body was in. It was when he questioned her leadership that she stood and body slammed him into the bunks on the far wall.

Garrus had commanded his own little ragtag team on Omega and from what they both clearly knew he was in no place to question anyone’s leadership skills. Omega had turned her sweet turian into a sarcastic, radical, dangerous vigilante and she needed him to calm down. Sure she didn't know the full story about what happened on Omega but there was no way she was going to sit back and let him talk to her like that.

She left him in the bunks, ignoring the blood dripping down her forehead and no doubt from her stitches, she stalked her way up to her pilot knowing he could at least watch out while she took a nap. She wasn’t in the mood to stick around and see if he was going to get up and apologize to her, she didn’t really care and her face burnt with the thought.

“I haven’t even been up there yet…”

Her pilot laughed motioning to the chair she so often found herself napping in between missions. Lowering herself into it she kicked her legs up placing them against the console Joker was rapidly turning off so her feet wouldn’t accidentally turn off the air. Letting a sigh pass her lips she felt her eyelids grow heavy, sleep pulling her into the darkness. Only to have it shattered as EDI's voice crackled from the orb on the far side of Joker. 

“Commander…Miss Lawson is currently on her way up to talk to you.”

Shepard kicked the console her socked feet thumping softly on the metal in front of her. There was no way she was going to talk to Miranda right now. She and the Cerberus woman would just talk in circles for a few hours before one of them got fed up enough to simply leave. Nothing would be resolved and they would fight about it again at a different time.

She knew Miranda was angry she let Grunt out of his tank. The woman had stated very clearly that she wanted Cerberus scientists to look over the Krogan before they decided anything. So there was no doubt that when she got the word that Grunt was up and eager to help Shepard her mood shifted to a sour state.  

She rolled off the chair her head pressing against the cold floor the cuts littered across her face stung as the chilled metal brushed against the wounds. Crawling towards Joker her hand lifting resting on his knee as she let out a keen, the pilot couldn’t keep his composure and broke into another fit of laughter.

Maneuvering around his legs she nestled herself in between his legs her head lowering to rest on his thigh. It was almost instantly that she fell asleep, the comfort of having her friend nearby and the soft hum of the ship that resonated up through the floor was hypnotic.

Joker shifted his other leg tucking the commander in and out of sight further, with the strange chair Cerberus provided it was odd but if she had fallen asleep this fast then he really didn’t want Miranda to find her. He would happily let her sleep there; she had given her life to make sure he was safe after all.

His hands trembled for a moment at the image flashing in front of his eyes as he remembered the hopeless feeling that absorbed him as he watched Shepard be blasted away. He had broken his wrists slamming his hands against the side of the escape pod calling for her. He hadn’t noticed until he had been picked up, he hadn’t cared.

So to have Shepard here next to him was such a reassuring feeling, he would make sure to keep her safe this time. He wasn’t going to lose her twice. She was the closest thing to family for him; she had never judged him for his disease and didn’t care once she found out. They treated each other like the sibling they both saw the other as.

The door swished open behind him and keeping his body straight towards the controls he lazily twisted his head pulling a confused Miranda into view. She took three steps into the room her head swiveling to search for the commander EDI had said was here.

“Where’s Shepard?”

The pilot couldn’t help but smirk at the irritation laced in the woman’s words, there wasn’t any expectation for him to turn to face her like he did whenever Shepard walked into the room and Miranda wouldn’t think to look for Shepard under the console and the new windows he had opened to help cover her even more.

“She said something about Mordin? I don’t really know, she left pretty quickly.”

The officer huffed in irritation before turning on her heel and storming from the room. He honestly was surprised that she had just given up that easily, he was pretty sure if she had bothered to look at him instead of over him she would have seen Shepard’s arm dangling from his lap.

Miranda never looked at him though, whether it was because she thought she was better than him or felt sorry for him because of his disease, he never bothered to ask. He didn’t really care about what she thought, Shepard and Garrus respected him, hell the new guy Zaeed had even come up to see if he wanted to get drinks when he got off his shift.

Mordin was weird; the Salarian was always trying to run tests, rambling on about how he might be able to fix his bones. Jeff didn’t really mind his disease. Sure it would be nice to be able to know he could make it to the bathroom and back without his shins snapping but it didn’t keep him from being the best damn pilot in the galaxy.

He didn’t really know what to think about Jacob, he was ex-alliance but he was already too Cerberus-y. He had that air of superiority Miranda liked to walk around with and after the shit storm of a reaction that came from correcting something Jacob had said once, Jeff tended not to talk too much to him. 

Shifting as subtly as he could, he turned his attention away from his commander and her crew and back towards the Normandy. He was so thankful to be flying her again, he hadn’t been able to do anything after Shepard’s death, they had grounded him and Jeff honestly believed it was a permanent move.

So when Cerberus drifted him a line saying the Normandy and Shepard were back he left without hesitation. Even if they hadn’t rebuilt the Normandy he knew there was no one who could fly the way Shepard needed beside him. This time he’d make sure the collectors failed to get her or his ship.

She talked in her sleep, something he wasn’t sure he was really supposed to know. It was strange for him to hear the words she mumbled out during her dreams. He couldn’t quite tell what she was dreaming about but based on her furrowed brow and the soft calls to ‘come back’ and ‘I tried’ weren’t good signs.

She said Kaiden’s name once or twice, Pressley and a few of the other crew members they had lost. It was only after she murmured their names that he knew she was dreaming of those they had lost. His hand left the console and without a word, he watched as EDI stepped forward taking control of that aspect of the ship.

Hesitantly his hand lowered to the top of her head where he ran it through her hair a few times before sighing. He had experienced the same dreams that she was having and it was leading him down the same reckless path she was taking. His sleep had suffered due to the dreams, every time he closed his eyes he’d hear the screaming of the crew members over the comms, how if he could move the Normandy just a little faster.

He would always wake up after Shepard shoved him into the escape pod, always after he saw her face that final time. He didn’t want to sleep but he forced himself, a tired pilot makes mistakes and he can’t make mistakes with Shepard. He took medicine Chakwas prescribed him for sleep, he simply complained about pain and she gave them away. She never said anything but he knew she understood the real reason why he needed them.

He stilled his hand letting it rest on her head as he let his attention zone out, the scrolling text of the Normandy’s stats lulling him into a false sense of security. His attention too muddled to hear the sound of the door opening behind him or the soft footsteps to alert him someone had entered the cockpit.

“Spectre Arterius, how may I assist you?”

EDI’s voice snapped Jeff out of his trance and his body lurched in surprise. The motion caused a groan from Shepard as she snapped her head up, her brain still groggy from sleep but alert enough to try and assess why her friend and current pillow had jumped in such a way.

Green eyes landed on the Spectre lurking behind her pilot and she wearily lowered her head back into Joker’s lap. She didn’t care, he would leave if she ignored him wouldn’t he? It wasn’t like he was going to have a conversation with Joker, not after what her pilot did to him back in the docking bay on the Citadel.

She was nodding off again when she heard Joker curse as his chair attempted to spin, with half her body draping off the end it wasn’t allowing the pilot a full rotation. Lifting her head once more she brought the heel of her palm to her eyes trying to rub the sleep that clung there, tempting her to close her eyes again.

Saren’s hand rested near her pilot’s head, he had apparently been the one to try and turn him around. His eyes scanned the situation before moving forward long arms snaking out and lifting her up helping her to pull herself free from Joker without having to use his body to push herself up.

“As your...advisor, I suggest not to allow other crew to see this.”

She snorted her arms untangling his limbs from her body as she shuffled backward her butt finding purchase on Joker’s armrest as she shook the sleep from her brain. She hadn’t slept that peacefully in a long while, she wondered if it was just due to the _complete lack_ of sleep she’s had.

She stared at her hands for a moment her brain trying to register how many hours she had given herself that week, 9 maybe 10? An hour some nights, 15 minutes other nights, she was going to end up making a mistake at this rate. She couldn’t talk to Chakwas though if Miranda found out she wasn’t sleeping…

“Heh…yeah, yeah, okay. Was there something you needed?”

She ran her fingers through her hair; she was now awake once again despite her body’s protests to fall back asleep. Lifting herself from her lounging position she adjusted her clothes before smoothing out the hair she had just ruffled up.

She watched as Saren’s attention flickered away from her if only for a moment towards her pilot and she let out a quiet sigh. Before he could respond she waved her hand towards the door, they would retreat back to the captain’s quarters where they could discuss whatever it was he wanted to talk about. Hopefully not Grunt.

She bid goodbye to Joker watching as he turned back towards his monitors muttering something to EDI she couldn’t quite make out. Even if she didn’t quite agree with the tone of his voice when he said it, she did agree with his message. She was lucky that it was only Saren that saw how she was sleeping if it had been any of the bridge members or even one of her team they would take her lowered guard as weakness.

Or worse they would take her and Joker’s proximity as something more than face value. The last thing she wanted was The Illusive Man holding Joker over her head because when it came down to it…she didn’t know if she could make that call. She didn’t know if she would be able to make that call with any of her crew, Garrus, Zaeed, Mordin, hell even Miranda and Jacob. 

Now she had Saren to worry about too, she knew that he could easily take care of himself but the Illusive Man seemed to have an obsession with the Reapers. If he got his hands on Saren and tried to pry into his memory or use him as a tool to get close to the Reapers... No, she would have to make sure Saren was just as safe as everyone else on her crew.

When she left the ship her crew was coming with her, even if it meant fighting their way out.

She could tell Saren was watching her, even though his face was pointed directly ahead she could feel his gaze burning against her skin. She didn’t know how long she had been asleep, honestly, she didn’t even remember if she had told Joker where she wanted to go or not. She was pretty sure they had decided on Osun where Purgatory was currently holding the next crew member on her dossier list.

She took the chance to look at him as they rode the elevator up to the captain’s quarters. As expected he kept his attention forward and towards the doors. She could tell he knew she was watching him though, the flick of his mandible in her direction as she looked at him was sign enough. She wondered what he had been doing while she was sleeping, hopefully sleeping himself.

She exited the elevator first; a weird surge of dominance tore through her chest as she strolled into the room first. She wasn’t sure why as he didn’t seem to care at all simply moving past her and down to the couches as she stopped to feed her fish. It was weird, she kept feeling odd things around the Spectre as if she constantly had to assert her authority and she hated it. 

She could remember having problems with Garrus but it was never anything like this. Never rushing to be the first off an elevator. She was just being petty and small now. Saren technically stood at a higher ranking than herself, having been a Spectre for longer he outranked her. She needed to remember to show him the respect the war-torn Spectre deserved. 

Her hand stopped at the button, hovering over the large item she narrowed her eyes at the tank spotting small bits of food still floating in the small currents. pushing through the tank. He had actually fed the fish. A large smile tore across her lips as she stared at the tank for a few more moments. She had only added one more type of fish between boarding the Normandy and the last mission. They would have to stop at the Citadel again anyway to grab some ingredients for Gardner, maybe she could find more fish there? 

She watched as he passed her moving down the steps and towards the sitting area, lowering himself on the couch he pulled a datapad from beside him and buried his face in the text scrolling by. Shepard shifted uncomfortably at the top of the stairs watching him, she wasn’t really sure what he wanted to talk about or why he couldn’t say anything in front of her pilot.

“Well?”

Her head jerked back as she narrowed her eyes in his direction. Well? Why the hell was he asking her that? Shouldn’t she be the one asking him instead? She moved down the stairs her arms lifting to cross in front of her chest as she cocked her head to the side.

“Well…?”

He kept his attention on the datapad for a few moments before twisting his head up and towards Shepard. The pad fell with his other hand to his lap, the hand no longer holding the device waved towards the empty bed.

“Sleep.”

Her hands dropped from her chest to swing uselessly at her sides, her brain rapidly trying to understand what he was saying. He had come to fetch her…just for her to go to sleep in her bed? Was he going to stay in here while she slept? It’s not that she minded, she knew EDI was constantly surveying so if he tried anything the crew would know in an instant but would he want to stay up here?

“Fatal errors are born from exhaustion.”

She grumbled her arms rising once more to cross over her chest as the pair began their staring contest. She knew he was right, hell she had been thinking the same thing just a few moments ago when she was with Joker. It didn’t mean she enjoyed being told what to do by the Spectre.

“I’ll have the reports from Korlus finished by the time you wake up.”

That caused her to shuffle towards him, lowering her body onto the couch next to him her head snaked towards his lap, trying to read the text flashing on the dark screen. It was, in fact, a mission report; details for Korlus and Grunt were slowly coming to life clearly written for the council from the perspective of a Spectre. Her eyes caught two more datapads lying on the couch next to him and she wondered if he planned to write one for Cerberus as well as the Alliance.

It was a tempting offer; she hated writing reports more than anything. She liked being on the front line, in the battle, if she was doing paperwork she wasn’t out fighting. So to have him offer to write them for her…

“I can’t make you write my reports for me Saren.”

He snorted before pulling the datapad away from her wandering grasp.

“Based on the reports I’ve read from you…you should be thankful I’m offering you this.”

Her nose curled along with her fist as she drove the appendage into his side playfully.

“Excuse me? My reports aren’t that bad!”

He shifted his attention away from her and the coolness that settled in the air made her briefly wonder if she had gone too far. Saren wasn’t a touchy-feely type and she had to remember that he certainly wasn’t Garrus. Her blue Turian always searched out touches and pats from her, he was happy to talk with her when he wasn’t calibrating something.

Saren wasn’t Garrus. He didn’t even like humans and for her to be forcing her way to be this close to him no doubt made him uncomfortable. She cleared her throat quickly standing to her feet and stumbling over to the bed. She would take his advice and sleep, or at least as much as her brain would let her, to please him.

When she woke in an hour she would help him finish the reports and go about her day trying to keep her distance a little bit more from him.


	9. Chapter 9

Saren stood in the doorway to the cockpit for a few moments before realizing that the pilot wasn’t paying attention. His second realization was that this was where Shepard had crept off too after releasing the Krogan.

Despite the pilots attempt to keep her hidden the mass of red hair peeking through his arms was to telltale of who sat in his lap. 

His hands clenched by his sides and the A.I chirped to life alerting the distracted pilot of his presence. The male jumped but refused to look at him and frustration exploded in his brain.

The nerve of this human, the one that made him stand outside the ship and create the idea Shepard was going to sail off without him. Now was refusing to look at him? 

His talons dug into the soft leather and he jerked his arm trying to pull the pilot into view. It was then he saw the compromising position he and Shepard were in and why the male refused to turn.

The woman was sprawled out on his lap, her head lifting sleepily as she rubbed at her eyes. Come to think of it he hadn’t seen her sleep yet, despite his knowledge that human’s needed more sleep than any other species. Well besides Hanar but they didn’t really count.

Without thinking he moved forward his arms wrapped around her body and he lifted her effortlessly from between the male’s legs to stand on her own. Lingering his arms a little too long around her body she swatted his hands away.

“As you…advisor, I suggest not to allow other crew to see this.”

It was the only thing he could think of to get her up and off the man’s lap. It wasn’t that he really cared if other people saw her like that, but the bubbling feeling growling in his chest made him want her up, now.

Her question was a good one, what else would bring him here to find her if he didn’t need something. Although he had planned to ask her about reports once he had found her he knew that would have to wait.

His attention shifted towards the pilot as she moved about fixing herself. He knew this was the same pilot from when she had been chasing him, she had managed to wrangle him and Castis’s son back on board.

What was their relationship? The blue marked Turian clearly pined over her and whether she was doing it purposely or not she was clearly responding to his advances. He briefly wondered if she knew what headbutting meant to Turian’s compared to Krogan.

Whatever she mistook the look for he was thankful when she bid goodbye to Joker and the pair moved towards the elevator. It was clear she was still tired. Her body fought her every step and the way she carried herself was a shockingly different.

Once in the elevator he turned his attention away from her to stare forward. He wasn’t sure why he had felt so uncomfortable seeing her with the pilot, he could only assume it was because public affection for human ships was so strict.

Were Cerberus ships more like Turian’s in their crew relations? How would he even go about asking that question without raising a ridiculous amount of other questions?

His head bobbed slightly as she forced herself forward and he held back the noise as the dominance radiating off of her overwhelmed him. She was odd in the way she acted over certain things. He would have to learn quickly if he wanted to stay on good terms with her.

He strode past her as she observed the fish he had fed earlier while she was running about on the ship. He had nothing else to do in the room and felt at least a small task would make him feel accomplished.

Lowering himself to the couch he turned his attention back towards the reports he had initially sought her out for. He would just have to do the reports himself, not that he minded honestly.

She was still standing by the stairs, her arms crossed as she waited patiently for whatever he didn’t know. Why she hadn’t collapsed on the bed by now was beyond him.

“Well?”

She barked his question back to him and he felt his mandbiles flicker as they attempted to pull into a smile. He was thankful he hadn’t seen her expression or he was sure he would have.

“Sleep."

With his attention now fully on Shepard his mandibles broke their concentration and pulled into a smile. She fell limp her emerald eyes blinking rapidly as she tried to figure out what he meant.

“Fatal errors are born from exhaustion.”

Like a child she crossed her arms grumbling under her breath as she stared towards him. He didn’t really have anything else to say to her so there was no reason for him to continue this game.

“I’ll have the reports from Korlus finished by the time you wake up.”

This piqued her interest and she shuffled towards him, lowering her body to lean against his she arched her neck reading the datapad sitting in his lap.

The smell wafting off her was indescribable. A soft ashy smell mixed with an array of soaps and flowers he honestly didn’t mind. Although the words would never leave his mouth.

They bantered for a bit about the reports and despite her eagerness to prove that she could do them he knew just as much as she did that she was happy he was willing to do them.

He had read her reports while she was chasing him, they were…lackluster to put it nicely.

The air chilled around them as the conversation died and he watched as she retreated to the bed lowering herself down and falling asleep almost instantly.

He was thankful that she was able to fall asleep that quickly, although the small noises she made as she slept were worrisome. It was interesting the things that he was finding out about her today.

It was odd for him to be able to last this long without his headset. The metal contraption setting on the bedside table where she had missed it in her exhaustion. He stood to his feet resting the data pad on the table as he moved towards her figure on the bed.

His talons reached out grasping the red fibers that extended from her head. It was interesting to see them slip through his fingers and fall back against her head. The noises she made clearly were from her dreams and he wondered why he had even crossed the room.

Maybe it was curiosity more than concern, he had seen a different side of Shepard today and to see her bloodied and bruised again reminded him painfully of the day she awakened him from Sovereign’s grip.

If he concentrated hard enough he could still smell the burning foliage the council decorated their area with littered with the stench of melting metal. He could still remember the way Shepard looked at him and the look alone was enough to ease his rattling thoughts.

Her eyes burnt with a ferocious anger, the determination and courage fueling the fire. Yet underneath the inferno a twinkling star of joy was what froze him.

She had been happy he survived, the woman who had hunted him for months and had finally had a chance to let him kill himself, was happy she had succeeded in keeping him alive.

He would have happily let her kill herself.

_Liar._

He waived the intrusive thought away as if it was a pesky bug. The quiet thought buried itself in the back of his mind and he felt the buzzing creep around his mandibles.

Would he have let her do it? Or would he have been strong enough to take her down as she had?

It was something he would never admit but his fascination with Shepard had begun long before she had freed him from Sovereign’s hold. He itched for the next time they would fight, the next time they would meet.

Eden Prime had been ridiculous. He had been so enraged to hear that a human of all things had touched the beacon after him. Not only that, but had received the message the beacon held.

When he had seen her again on the Citadel it was painfully clear that she was Anderson’s dog. That she was just another person sent by Anderson to try to make him be the bad guy. It was pathetic the way she followed him without really thinking. Even if what she was saying was true, she should have known better than to come to the council with just hearsay. They would need proof.

So when she got her hands on the damn Quarian first there was nothing he could do but disappear and ignore her for a while, he would have to have Benezia take care of Noveria for him so he could lay low.

He was conflicted when he heard that she had been made a Spectre. The rage that boiled in his blood due to the fact that _HE_ was the reason why she became a Spectre was suffocating.

On the other side now that she was a Spectre she could follow him all over without Anderson or Alliance orders and that would make their game much more fun.

Noveria ended badly, as he expected. Shepard had rounded up an impressive little crew including the Matriarch’s own daughter and wound up not only freeing the Rachni Queen but blowing up the lab and all the wild Rachni in the process.

He would miss her again on Feros, although by now she had garnered his attention. He had already left the planet and Shiala far behind by the time the Commander arrived to see the Thorian.

Once again she would defy logic by having Shiala speak to her when the Thorian refused. She had gained the Cipher and was once again on the same trail he was.

So when he finally came face to face with her on Virire it was thrilling. He wanted nothing more than to smother her and force her to join Sovereign.

The Reaper had expressed a similar interest in retaining Shepard for their cause and after everything the human had accomplished despite his distaste for the race he couldn’t argue.

Out of all the humans he had met Shepard was by far the most impressive.

Having his talons tightened around her neck, the feeling that bloomed through his chest as he watched her thrash underneath him. The euphoria as he listened to the small gasps for air.

All of it crushed when she destroyed his arm forcing him to drop her and allowing her to scramble away.

Seeing her on Ilos enraged him; how she could continue to follow and thwart him, how despite being bested she still got up to follow him.  

Despite his anger and frustration at seeing her, and he would never admit it, the excitement that tore through his chest was crushing.

She was still chasing him. _She was still chasing him._

They were playing a riveting game and he had loved every minute of their cat and mouse encounters. One slipping away from the other, missing each other by mere hours or the fleeting glances they would catch of each other as they parted ways.

He knew Sovereign planned on trying to keep her. He would just have to try a little harder to get her on their side, to see that she was in the wrong and bring her to Sovereign’s guidance.

Then they were in the final confrontation, it was more time then they had spent together previously, they had the luxury to speak a bit more.

She had tried to spout this nonsense during Virmire, it hadn’t worked then but something about the way she looked at him from behind cover. They way her eyes caught the light of the burning environment that stirred something in the back of his brain.

She said his name and it felt like he was surfacing from underwater after years of being held down. Air flooded his lungs and his brain burnt from the clarity that she had brought.

The buzzing that rattled his mandibles had subsided into a gentle vibration. That was when realization dawned on him, all of his actions over the last few years of chasing and working for Sovereign came crashing back into him and guilt flooded his veins.

He had been trying so hard to do the right thing, to follow the trail he was finding of these evil machines. The ones bent on destruction, he had planned to stop them…so how was he now working for them.

Shepard spoke again and he brought himself from his mind staring at the female down the ramp from him. He knew what he had to do, while he had the clarity to do it he would have to stop Sovereign and make things right.

He hadn’t expected her to stop him and it was this thought that brought all of his musings full circle. After every encounter they had all of the deaths he had caused he never expected her to stop him from ending it the cleanest way possible.

Yet she had. She had barreled down the runway, her screaming halting his thought process and allowing her the window to tackle into him and prevent him from doing what he thought he had to do.

No, his earlier statement had been untrue. He would have stopped her just as she had stopped him. The game between the two was much too great to lose.

He moved away from her and back towards the couch lowering himself down to sit. He could still see her from where he was sitting but he would be able get the reports done like he had said.


	10. Chapter 10

It was the flashing light from the corner of the room that caught his attention. Normally the EDI globe would hide away preventing any unnecessary light from polluting the room, not that the fish tank helped darken the area. So to see the globe pop up and begin to lazily strobe was odd enough to force him to investigate.

Slowly standing from the desk he had moved to he brought his hands up above his head stretching his spine out. He had finished the reports about an hour ago and was slowly trying to fix the Turian fighter model Shepard had disastrously attempted to put together.

He moved as silently as he could towards EDI, Shepard was still asleep and the last thing he wanted to do was wake her up when she was finally getting what she needed. As he approached the bright orb the light suddenly stopped and the doors to the hallway opened.

Hesitantly stepping out onto the landing between their cabin and the elevator he waited as the door closed behind him and the speakers in the echoing chamber lit up.

“Hey so uh, we’re at Purgatory but I don’t really wanna wake Shepard up…”

The pilot’s voice boomed through the speakers and he wondered if the noise from this would wake her up, it didn’t seem to be any quieter than just speaking to him in the room.

“I’m headed down.”

The white noise from the speakers clicked to a silence and he stood still for a few moments trying to see if he could hear any noise from Shepard moving about in the cabin. After a few minutes of silence he moved into the elevator to see the babbling pilot and figure out what they were going to do.

Surprisingly the pilot turned to face him when he entered the cockpit, the grinning idiot spinning in his chair to tip his hat at the Spectre. His friendly mannerisms were odd but he would take that over the moronic way he had previously been acting.

“Thanks for coming down. I really didn’t wanna her up if I didn’t have too.”

He scratched at the back of his head causing his hat to wobble with the movement. Lowering his hands back to the arm rests he spun back to face the many screens before him. Tapping away at the screen in front of him he pulled up the front camera showing Purgatory before them.

“I’ve already told ‘em that we’re here. They say there’s paperwork to do on their end so I wasn’t too worried about waking her up right away.”

Saren paused for a moment, he wasn’t quite sure but something felt off about the prison ship. He had heard of Purgatory before, hell he had brought people to be dropped off here before, he wasn’t shy to their system.

He was hesitant on who would accompany Shepard inside, almost everyone in her crew no doubt had some sort of bounty on their head. He knew for sure Shepard and he did, the mercenary Zaeed would.

The humans with her most likely had a small bounty at least since they worked with Cerberus. As for the Turian he wasn’t quite sure, he was Castis’ son after all, so even if he didn’t have a bounty he had a politically high ranking father so they could get a ransom off him.

The damn Krogan she had woken up would no doubt fetch a fair price if they could get him into a cage. There were a lot of people Krogan tribes aside that would pay for a genetically perfect Krogan, the STG being one of them.

If they weren’t so insistent on meeting Shepard he would just send the Cerberus woman in to get her. From the way she had acted in the short time knowing her it seemed she liked to play big dog.

The door behind them opened pulling Saren from his musings as he turned to face the shorter Turian. Garrus’ head reared back as the doors opened, his mandibles flaring out in shock before quickly tightening against his face as anger swept over his face.

 “I’m going with Shepard this time. She needs someone who can actually protect her.”

It was clear from his sub-harmonics that the line was meant to insult the older Turian, the aggressive stance he was falling into wasn't helping hide his distaste either. Saren knew Garrus didn't like him, he was sure he had heard the stories of his achievements just as other Turians had and grew a hatred towards him for how 'easy' his life seemed.  

That on top of what he had done to them over the course of a year he didn't blame the boy for holding onto his hate. He needed to channel it better though, this distasteful outburst was out of line. 

"Are you saying Shepard can't protect herself?" 

Saren could feel the rage ebbing off Garrus at this point who had reeled his head back as if he Saren had thrown a punch instead of words. If Saren had been a more expressive Turian he was sure his Mandibles would have flicked out in a smile at the boy's reaction. Crossing his arms over his chest he tilted his head slightly towards the other Turian before letting out a rumble of his subharmonics to express that he was waiting for an answer. 

Garrus moved forward until there were only a few inches of space between their face, his mandibles flared in irritation as he hissed his reply. 

"She needs someone who's willing to take a rocket to the face for her. Not someone who would stand by and let her take one." 

It was clear to Saren why Garrus had been so eager to leave the military to join c-sec, and again so eager to leave c-sec to join Shepard. He had no refrain and most likely clashed with his superiors. It made him wonder if the only reason he had gotten so high up in c-sec to begin with was because Castis put in a word for his son. 

If this had been a Turian frigate there would have been no hesitation in Saren's action to put the brat in his place which was, as Saren decided, face first into the floor. If this was _his_ ship he would have beaten him to a pulp before tossing him out at the nearest stop. Or out the airlock depending on how irritating  he continued to be after his punishment. 

This _wasn't_ his ship though, and he had to check himself before he threw a biotic wave into Garrus' face. 

"Alright, you'll accompany Shepard on this mission. Get ready we drop in 30."

Garrus stood still for a few moments, his mandibles falling slack as he stared at the Spectre. Saren wasn't sure if Garru's didn't believe him or was just stunned that he actually agreed to let him go. Either way it finally dawned on him and his mandibles clacked against his jaw as they tightened and he spun around to scuttle off to get himself ready. 

"Man I'm all for this kick-ass Garrus but sometimes I miss stick-ass Garrus..." 

Saren ignored the comment from the pilot before removing himself from the cockpit and towards the elevator. Despite what Joker and he wanted he was going to have to wake Shepard up so she could go and retrieve their new crew member. He would also need to inform her that Garrus was tagging along on the mission so she could pick someone suitable to join her party. 

He wouldn't mind going with, and he would tell her such. He had experience with Kuril and although he wouldn't trust the sleazy Turian having him along with the bit of background he had would be better than nothing. 

The door to the cabin opened and he felt his throat tighten at the sight before him. Shepard was thankfully still asleep, her body illuminated by the soft glow from the fish tank and the small desk lamp he had left on while working on the model. She had become partially uncovered, no doubt in the tossing and turning he had witnessed her doing earlier. 

He didn't understand why seeing her made his throat squeeze itself, why his chest felt an unusual weight drop onto it. Was it because she was still here? That despite  _dying_ she had come back to save him from the depths once again?

He moved towards her as silently as he could to keep her asleep so he could sort through his thoughts. Something inside him kept him moving as he approached the edge of the bed and before he knew it he was sitting beside her on the edge of the bed. His talons stretched out to play with a lock of her hair once more as he slipped into his rambling thoughts. 

He was drawn to Shepard, like, what was the human saying, 'a moth to the flame'? When she was near the incessant  buzzing quieted to near nothing, even just being on her ship calmed the roar in his brain. He had barely noticed Sovereign's pull, even when they were out on Korlus he had muted his headset just to see if her presence was enough. 

Sovereign was still pulling though, well no that wasn't right. It wasn't Sovereign any more, even if it pulled like him. The new one...he had heard it's name rumbled deep within his thoughts when he slept. When he slept he was vulnerable, being in the same room as Shepard whether she remembered his lack of control or not helped him maintain his consciousness. He had napped on and off for a few hours once while she slept for her short amount of time and each time he awoke to see her the noise stopped immediately. 

Harbinger. That was the name the Reaper had picked for itself, what it rumbled to him while he slept. 'The Harbinger of their destruction.' It was a joke of a name, Shepard had taken down Sovereign and he truly believed that they even if they couldn't completely stop the invasion they would be able to save more lives then before. 

He felt the soft pull in the back of his mind and before he could register the feeling he felt himself slip into the darkness. The area was somewhat the same, still void of life, a deep pit that kept him trapped and locked away from everyone. His voice was still gone, and the lack of noise was piercing against his brain. The difference was that light shone all around him, beams of light shone from each direction and the warmth he felt when he stood in the light was enough to deafen Harbinger as it screamed at him. 

It screamed for his death, for the control of Shepard. It threatened her, told him that she had beaten death but she wouldn't beat them. They would control her and use her against him just as they had done with him. In the void he believed them, he believed that he would lose Shepard and in turn lose himself to the Reapers. That the two would become an unstoppable force against all life in the galaxy as they brought the Reaper threat upon them. 

In the light he could doubt Harbinger. There was a small voice within his head screaming back at the booming threat. That despite what they said nothing had been accomplished and they would continue to fail. That together and with their team they would be able to destroy the synthetic monstrosities. 

It was only today as he stood in the light that he was able to register the voice as Shepard's. That it was her throaty voice piercing the silence to talk back to the monsters that had controlled him for so long. Once again it was Shepard keeping him from the darkness and a large part of him resented her for that. 

There was nothing Shepard could do that Saren couldn't and skill wise he was much more talented then her. He had over powered her before and it would be easy for him to take her life, she had no protective shell around her like he did. She would burn on his planet, she was just so fragile. Yet she was defying every odd, every challenge thrown her way she beat down and rose victorious. 

She was able to conquer the reapers while he had fallen to them and he hated her for that. He hated that he had lost in a challenge against her. That this  _human_ was able to best him not once or twice but multiple times,  _and was still doing it._  Even now while she slept she was keeping Harbinger from taking over his mind. She didn't even know what she was doing to him. 

"Saren."

Her voice boomed around him in the void and he felt his body split into two. Part of him eager to return to the surface and wake while the bitter half resented everything about her. It refused to surface and face her, to rely on her, to  _need_ her. It refused to allow his sanity to rely on her. He could feel Harbingers grip wrapping around himself with each negative thought. The Reaper relished in the disgust he held against Shepard, used it to his advantage.

" _Saren."_

There was an urgency in her voice and he felt his entire body stiffen. Why was there stress in her tone? What had happened while he was lost to himself, lost to Harbinger in the darkness. His disgust wrapped around his mind like a wet blanket and he watched as more light flickered and left the area. Why should he even care? 

"Remember what you told me? No one controls you."

Light flooded the area and the grip Harbinger held on him burnt off his body in the warmth. He opened his eyes to Shepard's face inches from his own, her eyes frantically searching his face, worry and concern laced within the orbs. Her hand had gripped his face at some point in his travels and the appendage felt like it was searing the side of his face, the fringe extending from his face seemed to vibrate under her touch. Her other hand had placed itself against his chest, fingers splayed against his armor he couldn't feel the heat but he could feel his body leaning into her touch. 

His mind screamed at him that she was right. No matter what thoughts he had  _no one_ controlled him. Not Sovereign. Not Harbinger. Not Shepard. He was his own Turian and he controlled himself. 

"You okay there big guy?"

He blinked a few times to clear his mind of the mess it had created his eyes still focused in on hers. The dim orange light that surrounded her jade orbs reminded him of the warmth she brought him. He wondered if that's why she radiated the orange color through her skin and he emitted blue. His icy demeanor matched the coloring just as hers did. 

Exhaustion wrecked his body, the pull of Harbinger had been strong and he had nearly lost himself again. If Shepard hadn't awoken on her own he might not have been himself, he might have tried to hurt her and in his own disgust there was a possibility she wouldn't have been able to pull him out before he did massive damage. 

He lowered his head carefully, her hand moving with his face as he adjusted to press his forehead against her own his eyes closing in the process. He was thankful she didn't know how important this gesture was to Turians. That he was thanking her from pulling her from the void. He couldn't speak, his throat was still tight and the words seemed like poison that would ruin the feeling he had in his chest. He didn't want to speak, he just wanted to sit here for a moment. To thank her for the years she kept him alive, for the comfort her voice had brought him on nights he was so close to losing himself. 

He needed to thank her for saving him, for not allowing him to pull the trigger. For giving him life again. This was the only way he could, in a moment of confusion for her he would be able to pour out his emotions in a sub-harmonic wail that she wouldn't understand.  He knew she wouldn't question it, she was sharp enough to know he would never explain. He would close himself off more from her if she did. More wailing left his throat as his mandibles flexed against his face. 

She was smart enough to stay silent as he thanked her, as he finally broke through some wall holding him back from her. That while he still despised how selfish and needy humans were she had never shown that selfishness, never shown the need to put herself first. _He couldn't hate her anymore._

His wailing softened as it ended, there was no need for him to fill his lungs between his cries, not for his sub-harmonics, and even though they weren't audible anymore they still vibrated his throat so she would be able to feel it. 

Shepard moved her hand against his face, sliding the warm body part back along his fringe and up to rest on the soft skin under his ordinarily long crest. They found purchase against his skin and dug in to hold him against her forehead, her own eyes closing to allow him whatever this was and whatever he needed. The hand against his chest had slid around to rest against his back and his body collided against hers nearly knocking the wind from her body. 

She didn't know what was happening, she didn't really want to question it either and ruin what ever this was. 

 

 

She had awoken to find Saren hovering over her, his talons tangled in her hair and the shock had nearly killed her. She was thankful that Cerberus had apparently built her a sturdy heart or Miranda would have a lot of work on her hands. It was clear to her that he was lost within himself, it was so similar to how the videos had shown him. His mandibles were flared out and what she could only assume was a snarl across his features. His eyes bore into hers and she felt her throat dry with the death littering his vision. 

She called out to him, the only thing she could think to do and she watched as his mandibles twitched and attempted to pull back against his face before flaring out once more. Slowly she lifted her hand against his chest pressing against the much larger creature to prevent him from dropping on top of her. Her other hand slid upwards and they both watched as it approached his face. A snarl from Saren caused her to hesitate only for a moment before she pressed it against the flared bone. 

She repeated his name and with a slight press against the side of his face his mandibles dropped as his mouth shifted. His snarl loosened and he sat slack jawed leaning over her, she could tell he was starting to come to his senses. Her fingers slid against the metal seared into his mandible, it was cold and she briefly wondered if it made him cold. 

She was still as his geth hand moved to grip her hip and she was finally able to swallow the thickness in her mouth to remind him of his own words. To hopefully finally bring him back from the edge. 

She watched as his pupils shrunk before completely blowing and engulfing the glowing orbs in blackness. His mouth wobbled and she watched as he finally returned to himself, the anger and hatred echoing off of him dissipating and leaving an emptiness in its wake. 

"You okay there big guy?"

She sat underneath him as he stared at her for a few minutes, her eyes entranced by the ornate cybernetics lacing his face. Then he dropped and it was all Shepard could do but hold him and let him figure it out. Shepard moved her hand against his face, sliding the warm body part back along his fringe and up to rest on the soft skin under his ordinarily long crest.

They found purchase against his skin and dug in to hold him against her forehead, her own eyes closing to allow him whatever this was and whatever he needed. The hand against his chest had slid around to rest against his back and his body collided against hers nearly knocking the wind from her body. 

They sat in silence after his wailing ended the soft vibrations from his sub-harmonics almost pushing her back into sleep. They would have too if a loud pounding at the door didn't pull the two out of their close comfort. Saren's head slowly lifted off her own and she watched as he pulled away from her almost painfully slow. He stood to his full height once off the bed and it pained her as she watched him harden once more. The warmth that had grown in his eyes quickly absorbed as the stoic Saren reappeared. 

They would never speak of this again. 

"Come on in."

She grumbled as she shifted in bed the doors sliding open to reveal her other Turian crew mate who quickly strode into the room stopping short on the stairs. His head bounced back and forth between the two and Shepard wondered what he was thinking. Here she was still sprawled out in bed as Saren stood beside her a towering menace. What ever he was thinking he kept to himself as he shifted his weight to stand differently. 

"I'll uh, be waiting in the shuttle to go then?"

Gears whirred in Shepard's brain as she tried to figure out what Garrus was talking about. Were they suppose to be going somewhere? Had Joker taken them to Purgatory as requested? How long had they been here and why didn't someone wake her up...was...was that what Saren was doing before he was lost to himself?

"I'm sure the commander wouldn't mind if you waited here while she dressed herself to pick up Jack. I felt she needed as much sleep as necessary."

Saren rescued her with the necessary information in his comment towards Garrus and she slowly shifted lifting herself from the bed happy that Saren had already moved past her to lower himself onto the couches across the room. Garrus on the other hand stood rather still as he watched her pull herself together, he wasn't sure if he wanted to sit next to Saren but standing here staring at her was rather uncomfortable for him. He looked about the room for another escape before settling on sitting at the opposite end of the seating area from Saren. 

Shepard was quick to don her body suit and begin the process of attaching her armor as the boys sat in silence. 

"Alright so you two are my back up if shit hits the fan."

Despite the tone of her voice Saren knew with the quick flash of her face that she was asking for his confirmation. She didn't now who else was suppose to join her but the fact that Garrus was the only one to arrive made her assume he hadn't appointed anyone else to the position. 

"I've got your 6 Shepard."

Garrus was quick to answer, domination flowing through him for Shepard to pay attention to him over Saren. He hated the bastard and for him to be rooming with Shepard sent him into a rage. He didn't care if the council trusted Saren again he didn't and for him to be alone with Shepard for so long bothered him. 

"Hopefully Kuril isn't going to try anything..." 

Shepard shot him a questioning look he failed to answer as she pulled her guns from their storage and began locking them into place. Saren rose to his feet as he moved towards her removing his own weapons from the storage besides her as he snapped his pistol into place. The two shared a quiet look with each other before Shepard strode over to Garrus her hand gravitating to his shoulder as she shook the body part a smile dancing onto her face. 

"Come on buddy this should be easy."

Garrus grumbled as he lifted himself to his feet his own hand finding her head as he shoved her back and away from him playfully. 

"If everything went as easy as you said we wouldn't be here, now would we?"

She barked out a laugh as the two walked side by side to the elevator Saren moving slowly behind them. He wasn't going to join their jovial laughter, it wasn't who he was. He was a hard trained soldier and he had already let his guard drop in an embarasing display to Shepard. He wouldn't do it again. He  _couldn't_ do it again. He wasn't going to let her think any less of him. 

Even though she was beaming with joy that he had shown some sort of emotion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops  
> I ended up rambling a bit in this chapter sorry guys!  
> I hope you're enjoying it so far.  
> I'm trying to slowly loosen up Saren but damn I wanted a wall break for this chapter!  
> As always let me know what you guys think and thank you so much for reading ♥


	11. Chapter 11

“I hate him already.”

Saren would have laughed if he wasn’t thinking the same thing and the two watched as Garrus shook his head before agreeing with her.

“Something just isn’t right? Plus, that arrogant shit? ‘Our facility is more than secure enough to handle three armed guests.’ Ugh fuck this guy. I hate how he runs this place and everything about it.”

Saren was torn with his agreement, while he thought Kuril’s methods were extreme it was a good business and it did keep criminals in jail.

If a planet couldn’t handle paying a fine, then they would have to deal with their problems on their own. What was wrong with that?

“I want you both ready, I can just tell something’s gonna happen. Not to mention we all have bounties on our heads.”

Shepard sighed before shaking her head, she really wasn’t going to like how this was going, why had she jinxed herself back on the ship when she told Garrus is was going to be easy?

She was at least thankful they let her keep her weapons, or ‘allowed’ her too. Even without them she could have figured a way to get out, but it made it easier if… _when_ shit hit the fan.

She paused during their walk her attention turning towards the guard standing outside one of the cells. It wasn’t really the guard that caught her attention but the cries of pain from inside. She felt bile rise in her throat from anger watching the guard inside wailing on the helpless prisoner.

She couldn’t believe what she was saying, or how the guard was trying to justify it. Regardless of what the man had done in the past this was just excessive. He was already a prisoner with no means to fight back, no doubt dealing with this daily.

“Stop this, for your own sake.”

The guard alerted the other inside to stop the beating and despite his comment of ‘for now’ Shepard was just thankful to know the man would have a moment to breathe before they no doubt started again as soon as she was out of the area.

She kept her mouth shut as they turned away from the cell and began moving again and was pleased that her team mates did the same. She was sure Garrus had done something similar if not in C-Sec for sure during his time on Omega.

She didn’t even want to think about what Saren had done. She would much rather just be aware that he had done things then know the specifics and thankfully neither opened their mouths to give input.

“Hey, _Hey guys!_ Over here! Let me ask you something…”

Shepard stopped again, they had gotten all but 5 feet before being stopped again. She didn’t really care, Kuril had made it seem as if the funds for Jack were still being processed.

Another red flag as she was sure Cerberus would have sent the funds the moment she alerted Miranda that she would get Jack after Mordin and Garrus. Credit transfers were instant, even for larger sums it may take at max a minute but there would be no reason for it to take _this long_ to transfer.

The prisoner began rambling on, about how he would love to be bought. Taken away to anywhere but where he currently was. It made Shepard wonder what this prisoner had done to wind up in the cell. Kuril had said that these were the ‘worst criminals he had ever encountered’ so why did this one seem so pleasant?

“We’re here for Jack, Shepard. We can’t rescue everyone.”

Shepard sighed, Saren was right. Even if he seemed normal if they took him some place like Omega and he freaked out and started killing everyone two things would happen. First, Aria, or one of her lackies, would kill him. Second, Aria would _personally_ kill her. She really wanted to stay on good terms with the biotic leader.

“ _Jack?_ Forget what I just said. I don’t want to go nowhere with you.”

Shepard frowned, this was the second time someone on this damn ship was making Jack out to be the killer of worlds. While she could see the Illusive Man leading her to some psychotic freak who may or may not try to kill her, she couldn’t see Miranda allowing that to happen and she was the one who put the dossier together. Not that Miranda liked her, but she wouldn’t want all her hard work to be ruined by a maniac.

Turning away from the prisoner she continued down the hall ignoring the other prisoner who eerily stood against the glass chanting that he could hear the screaming in his head and that it was nice.

She was not going to get sucked into a conversation with that.

Moving into another large room she was surprised by the human at the console. She knew the blue suns had humans in their ranks she just hadn’t seen one on Kuril’s ship and imagined the warden preferred to keep turians only. He directed her further down and the uneasy feeling returned to her gut. Wouldn’t this be out processing? It seemed to be the waiting area, so what was beyond the door?

“My apologies, Shepard. You’re more valuable as a prisoner than a customer. The two with you will fetch a good price as well, that is _the_ Saren Arterius and Archangel after all.”

It took everything Shepard had not to face palm. If Kuril had waited _5 seconds_ until she was actually in the cell, then he would have had her. For all she knew it was a ‘secure transport’ to get to out processing, but the idiot gave away his plan before he even had her captured.

“Drop your weapons and proceed into this open cell. You will not be harmed.”

Now Shepard’s palm did find her face. Did he really think that any of them were going to go without a fight? Who in their right mind would just drop their weapons and go into a cage to be sold off?

“You’ve gotta be kidding me…”

Garrus’ voice boomed around them before the doors on the far side opened and Kuril’s voice shouted something about ‘activating the system’. A collective group sigh echoed from the three as they unholstered their weapons and began to return fire on the blue sun guards pouring in through the doors.

Shepard moved forward blasting one of the robotic dogs in the face before moving down the hallway, it would be easy for them to leave but there was no way that was happening without Jack. She was going to get what she came here for damn it.

Moving through a few more rooms they found themselves in front of a console and a large viewing window where they could only assume Jack was being held. Shepard found it funny that they would have even moved Jack to this area if they were planning to trick her in the first place.

“Shepard. Opening one cell will release them all.”

Saren’s voice rumbled behind her and she was caught off guard by how close he was. His chest plate would bump against her arm if he moved slightly forward. He was scanning the console in front of her, no doubt trying to figure out if there was a way to release just Jack without setting the entire prison into chaos.

“It’s the only way to get Jack out.”

She didn’t miss the look shared between the two turians as Garrus moved forward no doubt trying to look at the console as well. She groaned before lowering her hand to type in the correct code to release Jack. She wasn’t going to deal with them butting heads and wanted to get Jack and get out.

They watched as the mechanical arm moved about lifting the tube from below where it was no doubt stored in Cryo. As the arm removed the chamber she heard Garrus laugh.

“That’s Jack?”

It was a surprising turn of events; the woman didn’t look like she would be the worst of the worst but the way she blasted the mechs out of the way and literally tore a hole in the wall with her biotics made her think otherwise. They would need someone with her biotic prowess on their team.

“We need to move Shepard.”

Saren was right, they needed to chase after her, if she got too far or did structural damage the outcome to their adventure was going to be worse. She really didn’t want to get spaced again.

They moved through the area that Jack had blasted a hole through and listened grimly as Kuril began shouting out orders to the prisoners. That mixed with the ships computer alerting them of power loss and lost sectors Shepard was mentally tallying the body count that had occurred from her choice.

Not to mention all the guards they were having to move through, she couldn’t understand why they continued to focus on her when the ship was falling apart and prisoners were running about everywhere.

She moved into another open area, bodies of guards and prisoners strewn throughout the area. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she moved forward, she would deal with this later.

“You’re valuable Shepard. I could have sold you and lived like a king.”

Kuril’s booming voice forced her attention up towards where the blue clad turian stood on his platform. It was then a realization dawned on her and she couldn’t help but cast a look towards Garrus.

This is what Garrus could have become…

Kuril was everything Garrus agreed with. The sickening amounts of red tape, how criminals would slip through the justice system without being punished. Kuril had taken matters into his own hands just as Garrus had done when he claimed the mantle of Archangel.

To the shallower reasons of they both wore blue and used snipers, she had finally figured out why Kuril made her so uneasy. It was Garrus.

Saren’s claw on her collar ripped her down to avoid the shot from his rifle that grazed the box next to where her head had been. Both of her teammates were staring at her and the uneasiness from her realization mixed with her lack of attention made the situation even more uncomfortable.

“You’re a two-bit slave trader and I’m not having it!”

She rolled from the position she was in and watched as Garrus and Saren moved to other locations to assist her better. Garrus retreating further back to help snipe out the further opponents and Saren sticking closer to her to send out biotic blasts and paralyze closer enemies.

Taking down Kuril was rather easy, despite his high and mighty talk his shields weren’t top of the line and after a few well-placed shots to the generators around him and to his body he went down.

She was thankful this fight didn’t end like the one against Jedore, she was sure Chakwas would force them back to the Citadel for shore leave if she came back bruised and beaten again.

Rising from her spot behind on of the crates near where Kuril had fallen she paused for a moment of her body. So much of this could have been avoided had he only given them Jack like planned. He would still be alive and so would everyone on the ship.

Her hands tightened on her rifle and she steadied her breath. It was better this way, no one was going to be extorted anymore, the prisoners were dead, so they wouldn’t be tortured and the ship was falling apart so it would be awhile before another purgatory could take its place.

“We still need to find Jack.”

She nodded turning away from Kuril and towards her teammates, neither said anything as they watched a half-naked woman run past them on one of the higher walkways. Well at least now they knew where she was going.

They rounded the corner to find Jack pacing back and forth near the dead bodies of two more blue suns guards. Shepard wasn’t quite sure why she seemed so mad but she clearly hadn’t noticed the guard moving down the hall towards her.

Lifting her gun she put a well-placed bullet between the guards eyes and watched as Jack spun to face her, the woman’s words spit from her lips like venom as Shepard holstered her weapon.

“You’re in a bad situation, and I’m going to get you out of here.”

The woman turned to pace the hallway again and Shepard had to fight to keep the smile from breaking onto her face as Jack spoke.

“Shit you sound like a pussy. I’m not going anywhere with you. You’re Cerberus.”

Shepard couldn’t really argue, if the roles were reversed she would have been just as upset and hesitant to board a Cerberus ship, shit she was still uncomfortable boarding the Normandy while it had Cerberus logos painted all over it.

“I’m here to ask for your help.”

She didn’t think it would work but she needed to know more than the little information Jack was giving her on _why_ she disliked Cerberus.

“You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere. You think I’m stupid?”

Now Shepard couldn’t keep the smile off her face. She enjoyed Jack, even after the little bit of time they had interacted. The woman was straightforward, no bullshitting and called it like it was. She needed more people like that around her.

It was why she enjoyed being around Saren so much, the turian didn’t speak often but when he did it was true and straight to the point.

“This ship is going down in flames. We can get you to safety, and we’re asking for your help.”

She was thankful the woman had finally stopped talking but nearly killed Garrus as he spoke.

“We could knock her out Shepard. Deal with this once we’re back on the Normandy.”

Jack took a step forward and Shepard watched as she threw her shoulders back to frame herself more intimidatingly. It was something she had learned to do as well with her own small stature.

“I’d like to see you try.”

She couldn’t help the laughter that burst from her mouth at the woman’s threat. Honestly, she would pummel Garrus into the ground there was no competition there. They had just watched her all but tear the ship apart, Garrus and his lack of biotics were no match to Jack.

“No, we’re not going to attack her.”

 “Good move. Look, you want me to come with you, make it worth my while.”

Shepard’s smile faded as she snapped her attention back towards Jack. Now the woman was being too arrogant. She was fine with her cocky attitude before, but they were going to have problems if the woman always acted like this.

“Join my team and I’ll do what I can for you.”

The woman scowled as she watched Shepard move closer before moving closer herself.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I bet your ship’s got lots of Cerberus databases. I want to look at those files. See what Cerberus has got on me. You want me on your team, let me go through those databases.”

Shepard really had expected more, after Kasumi and Zaeed’s strange requests the fact that Jack just wanted to look at files was almost too easy.

“Deal.”

Jack bristled before moving forward and pointing at the commander.

“You better be straight-up with me…well, why the hell are we still standing here.”

With that the woman turned to walk away from Shepard and all she could do was shrug and follow. She knew Miranda would throw a fit over her request, but she needed Jack more than Cerberus needed their privacy from one person and it wasn’t like Shepard wasn’t already funneling information to the alliance.

Jack had already disappeared into the ship by the time the trio had made it through the decontamination spray. She was exhausted, mainly just from the headache Kuril had caused. His self-righteous preaching and the following attack had just been too much. It was always just too much.

They moved slowly towards the elevator and Shepard found herself leaning against Garrus as they waited for the lift to come back from wherever Jack had taken it.

“Thanks for your help today.”

Saren cringed as Garrus’ subharmonics flared to life and he nonchalantly shrugged. Despite his cool demeanor it was apparently how much the praise meant to the turian.

“I always have your six Shepard.”

She snorted out a laugh before stepping forward and into the waiting elevator with Saren. Garrus hesitated before waving off the two of them.

“I’ll catch it on the way back down.”

Shepard cocked her head to the side her hand extending to stop the doors from closing as she stared at the turian on the other side.

“Get in here you big idiot.”

Not one to disappoint Shepard, Garrus stumbled forward and into the elevator stepping to the opposite side as Saren. This didn’t go unnoticed by Shepard and the woman crossed her arms over her chest.

“Alright, this has got to stop.”

Taking a step forward she turned to face the two her back now to the doors. She shifted her attention between the two for a moment before settling it on Garrus alone.

“Listen, I know it’s hard to work with Saren. It’s fair. He tried to kill us, but he’s on our team now and so far, you’re the only one _so_ against it that you’ll fight him at every step. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the power trip you go on every time he’s around.”

Garrus turned his attention down to the floor and she let out a heavy sigh. She really didn’t know what else to say but it was beginning to be a problem.

There were several times during the fight on purgatory that Garrus all but threw himself in front of danger to protect her when she or Saren would have easily had it covered. She hadn’t missed the fact that he would snipe off kills from Saren leaving the turian a bit confused as he tried to understand why the enemy he was about to punch had just exploded.

“You don’t have to like him, shit Garrus I don’t expect you to hold hands with him. You _do_ need to get your shit together and be able to work with him on the battlefield though. We’re a _team.”_

The doors behind her swished open as they reached her room and she hesitated only for a moment before turning around and leaving the two in the elevator together.

Saren left the elevator quickly allowing the doors to close and carry Garrus to a different part of the ship. He knew the turian would need time on his own before coming up with a way to properly work with Saren.

Shepard was right though, there was no reason for Garrus to get along with him and he didn’t harbor any ill will towards the boy for hating him. It was like Shepard had said, he _had_ tried to kill them on multiple occasions. Reaper influence or not it would leave a bad taste in one’s mouth.

The competition on the field today pushed past the younger turian trying to one up him into Garrus trying to single handedly manage all their opponents.

Saren was thankful that despite the mission not going how it was supposed to. it hadn’t spiraled further out of control. He wasn’t sure that Garrus would have been much help with how thin he had been trying to spread himself to cover everything.

Shepard stumbled into the room, her hand briefly connecting with the fish feeder before she lunged at her bed causing the sheets to fly up around her. She lay face first on the bed for a few moments before she began cursing and lifted herself up with her elbows.

“Fuuuck.”

Fully removing herself from the bed Saren couldn’t stop the smile his mandibles pulled into at the red and blue liquid working its way into the bed cover. Shepard ripped the cover off her bed before flinging it in to one of the empty drawers.

“I’ll deal with that later.”

He watched as she began to shed her gear to store in the decontamination and he figured he should do the same. Her room was warmer than the rest of the ship, although still cold to him, and he wondered if without the cover that meant she would turn the heat up enough for him to be comfortable without his armor’s heater.

He was slower than she was at removing armor, mainly because he was trying to figure out if he really felt comfortable walking around in his robes or if she would mind if he wore them instead of his gear.

She was currently struggling to stick her leg through a pair of loose pants and again it made him realize that she truly was a different person on and off the battle field. Was it because the alliance trained differently? If things had been different for him would he be able to be this relaxed outside of battle?

Small hands grabbed a latch on his suit and he dropped his head to find Shepard now tugging at his armor.

“Jesus no wonder you guys would rather walk around in all this gear its-“

She ripped her arms up finally allowing the latch to give and release part of the armor from itself.

“-impossible to get off!”

Her hands left his hip as it moved about trying to figure out where to pull from next. There were so many tubes and wires she wasn’t sure how to actually get his armor off without disrupting them.

“I have to remove them.”

She twisted her head up to look at him before immediately dropping it as his hands began to work on the hoses protruding from his stomach. Hesitating for a moment his hands retreated to pull up his omni tool a few keys pressed before a large timer displayed itself and began counting down.

“Quickly.”

His hands lowered again and hers mimicked his movements on another hose as they began to remove the now dry tubes from his body and allow him to pull his armor off.

He was thankful that she was willing to help him as she disappeared from his view to remove the ones from his back. There had always been someone around to help him disrobe, either a geth or another turian once back on the citadel, he had never had to remove the hoses himself and would be unable too.

He could feel her fingers on his hide now as she worked on removing his chest piece from his body. They were cold against his warm hide but warmer than the air in the room and he refrained from allow his body to shiver in the colder air.

Once his chest was exposed she began reconnecting the hoses, pausing every now and then to show him one so he could guarantee she wasn’t mixing any of the hoses up. He worked on connecting the front half as she fiddled with the back.

Once he was finally free from his armor and reconnected, he pressed a few keys on his omni tool stopping the timer and allowing the fluids to flood back through the connections.

“Okay, uh, don’t take this the wrong way. Do you want to shower with me?”

As he turned to face her she looked away and towards the fish tank her hand lifting to rub nervously on the back of her neck.

“It’s just you got a lot of cords and I’m sure it gets hard to make sure everything it clean and the skin underneath is taken care of and-“

“That’s fine Shepard.”

The lights under her skin seemed to brighten for a moment as the red color began to creep up her neck once again. She cleared her throat before turning to face him crossing her arms over her chest.

“Well okay then.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh...there's the smut?  
> I don't know how I feel about this chapter?  
> I'm afraid I made them too ooc?  
> Let me know what you think

Saren moved into the bathroom first and Shepard was thankful for that, she moved about the cabin trying to figure out why she was so damn embarrassed about this. She had showered with Ashley before, and against her better judgement had not immediately left the large showers when Liara had entered once.

Hell, she had even showered with Wrex after killing Tonn Actus and retrieving his family armor. The damn old man had pushed her into the bathroom and demanded that they wash each other ‘as custom’ for gratitude or some other bullshit.

She was just thankful he was finally showering and wasn’t opposed to helping him wash his back…Krogans just had such small arms…

So why was this so awkward for her? Saren obviously didn’t find anything wrong with it or he would have simply declined her, he was probably extremely thankful to have someone else wash the places he couldn’t see himself. Although this made her wonder if he had someone help wash him back on the Citadel.

She grabbed a few towels from the drawer they were stored in before moving up towards the bathroom pausing only for a moment before she entered.

“EDI? Will you raise the temperature to something Saren would find more comfortable?”

“Of course, Commander.”

She paused by the bathroom door, he had folded his clothes and set them on the desk he had cleaned the other day. No longer covered in coffee mugs and datapads his robes stood out against the gray metal.

What had caught her attention though was a small metal headband sticking out from under the wrap he always kept on his head. Now that she thought about it, this would be the first time she would see him without the cowl.

She shifted the towels to hold them under one arm as she pulled the metal piece out from under the black cloth and held it to her head. She wondered if he listened to classic turian songs or even had a song from Fleet & Flotilla like Garrus had on his.

Were headsets just a thing turians enjoy-

This was her voice.

_This was her voice?_

Prattling back at her on a low volume she could hear herself, it sounded like she was giving an interview, but the voice of the interviewer had been removed. She was just mindlessly answering questions she couldn’t even remember.  

The headset clicked softly before her voice crackled to life once again and a very bored sounding Shepard began to give mission details. If he had her alliance mission reports what else did he have on here?

A soft clattering from the bathroom and she slammed the headset back under his headpiece putting it back in its hiding place and turning towards the bathroom door. When he didn’t emerge she took a deep breath and shook her head, she could ask him later.

With that done she entered the bathroom, her mood immediately lifting as she nearly broke into laughter at the steam that poured from the door as it slid open. Garrus wasn’t joking when he said turians enjoyed warmer weather and she was sure being on her cold ship wasn’t any better. It was why she gave Garrus control of the temperature in the battery.

She let the towels rest on the counter next to the sink before kicking off the sweatpants she had just put on a few moments ago. Tossing them into a corner her bra and underwear followed, and she stepped into the large shower with the turian.

A hiss passed her lips as the water hit her skin and it instantly reddened under the hot spray. She had taken hot showers before, but she didn’t even realize her shower could get _this_ hot.

His back was turned to her and besides the head turn he had given her when she entered he remained turned away and for that she was somewhat grateful. She wasn’t sure if he was doing it for her or just the way he decided to stand but she wasn’t going to question it.

“Oh, uh…are there soaps you can’t use? I guess I should have checked your levo allergy huh…?”

Saren turned to face her and Shepard fought to keep her hands by her sides. She wasn’t supposed to make this awkward, it was showering with a teammate. She just had to think of Wrex, grumpy old man Wrex.

“I don’t have that allergy. I can consume levo food just fine.”

A smile tore onto Shepard’s face as she nodded running her hands through her hair. Despite the scare of Levo-Dextro allergies she had yet to meet someone that would suffer from the allergy, well besides Tali but her immune system was fucked anyway.

Even Garrus could manage, he would simply side with Tali to help her feel some sense of kinship of not being the only one on the ship that can’t eat levo food.

The alliance would screen for a dextro allergy before allowing anyone to join. Why would they have someone on the front lines that could potentially die if a turian spit in their face? It was too dangerous to have them on the front lines. Not that the allergy had given any one much trouble before the First Contact War, it still didn’t but they made sure to check now.

“Well that’s good, I’d rather not have to explain to Chawkwas or Mordin how I gave you a reaction in the shower.”

She snorted, the tension she had been feeling earlier pushed away with the comfort of knowing he wasn’t going to suddenly die from the use of her soap or from eating rations on a mission.

She deposited a good portion of soap onto her hands before lathering it together and slapping both her hands on his chest. Watching in amusement as his mandibles flicked in the slightest she let her hands slide over to where the hoses connected and began to work on the skin around the ports.

It was soothing to him to feel her hands working the areas that he reluctantly neglected. He had an aide with him on the Citadel and despite his insistent demand to Spartacus that it _not_ be a woman the councilor had sent over a nurse to help him with his washing.

He was far from attractive to his race, his long fringe and the fringe that extended from his face was very unpleasant. Not to mention the fact that he was barefaced, covered in geth tech and considered a terrorist at one point he couldn’t blame the female for the way she acted.

So, the washes were quick, always with gloves and a wash cloth she refused to touch him directly and wondered how much she was being paid to avoid speaking of this to anyone else. Surely it was a part of her contract or the gossip news would have reported it already.

The feeling of her flesh against his hide, as dull of a feeling as it was since the nerves around the ports were damaged on top of the less sensitive skin, was rather nice. Not that he would ever tell her that, but he would allow her to continue.

His head dipped down, and he watched as her hair darkened with each passing second as it grew wet and heavy. It clung to her skin and forced her to lift her hands every now and then to push it from her face. His real talons extended as they tangled themselves in her hair and pushed it back away from her face.

She let out a groan followed by a laugh as she tilted her head up ignoring the hand that was still resting on her head. She would have to get Garrus to grow his talons out because head scratches with the sharpened appendages sounded like the best idea.  

“I wouldn’t be opposed to you just rubbing my head.”

She laughed again before returning her attention towards the pipes. There were certain areas on his body where it seemed like it hadn’t been cleaned very well in the past, areas that were hard for her to get too would be almost impossible with his much larger hands.

Although she hadn’t expected him to continue his talons untangled from her hair to run against her scalp once more and she let out a content sigh. If he was going to rub her head she’d help him wash any time, and honestly it wasn’t as awkward as it could have been.

She had forgotten that turians sheathed themselves, unlike humans, so there was nothing for her to avoid or look away from.

“You wash this, no?”

Her head jerked upwards, a move she regretted as her hair tightened as it tangled in his grip.

“My hair? Yeah, use the purple bottle up there.”

She pointed behind him and watched as he curiously turned to pull the bottle from the shelf before popping the cap and sniffing it.

It was surprising to him how much the soap smelt like her, or would it be how much her scent smelt like the soap? It wasn’t a terrible smell, something floral he had always thought was just a part of her smell.

He tipped the bottle upside down before dropping a large amount on his synthetic palm and mimicked her earlier movements to lather the soap up before dropping his hands onto her head and scrubbing in rather awkward movements.

He wasn’t sure how humans washed their hair; the fringe was washed just like every other piece of their body but human’s hair was so different. She had liked his earlier motions of _scratching_ should he just continue to do that?

He lifted his palms allowing his fingertips to dig into her scalp moving them about her head to try and soap up as much of her hair as he could. Was he supposed to just continue? Was there a time limit this could stay in her hair?

Laughter bubbled up from behind him and he watched as she stood to rinse her hands taking a step back away from him. She tilted her head upwards and allowed the water to rinse the soap from her hair with a vigorous fast scrubbing of her hands.

“I was falling asleep there it felt so good!”

He rinsed his own hands as he turned his attention down towards his stomach, as odd as it sounded it felt better after her constant attention on the area. The slight itch that always lived around the ports seemed to be gone and he wondered if it would stay that way.

“Alright turn around, I’m not squeezing into the corner.”

 He did as she said, turning to face the wall he heard the soap bottle squelch as she put more soap onto her hands before turning her attention to the maze of hoses on his back.

This one felt much better than his chest. While the ports on the front were mainly on his tougher hide there were ports on his back that edged the softer bits of his flesh. So to have her thin fingers rub the softer areas of his body sent electric shocks through his body.

Every movement she did was so much more careful and precise compared to the nurse that had helped him before. There was so much attention put onto every hose and every inch of his skin he wasn’t sure if he’d be alright with letting anyone else wash him from now on. He wasn’t sure how he was going to approach that.

She was lost in her own thoughts as she worked on his back, she had been able to keep the thought of that headpiece from her mind for the most part but it kept coming back nagging her like a pyjack.

Why was it her voice on the headset? What was he using it for? Would he try to disembowel her if she asked? While she doubted the last answer would be yes she was still hesitant to ask and ruin the small amount of friendship they had built.

He had to trust her now didn’t he? There was no way he would turn his back and allow her hands to be around important parts of his body if he didn’t. She continued working her way up his back until her fingers found themselves massaging and cleaning the area around the clustered hoses on his head.

“Saren…”

Her voice died in her throat and she was thankful he didn’t turn to face her and let her continue working on the back of his head. She had to say something, this silence was killing her.

“I uh…I never told you how glad I was to see you after I came back.”

That wasn’t what she wanted to say, it wasn’t the question she was dying to ask but she couldn’t bring the words to form in her mouth.

“The last time I saw you, you uh,”

She cleared her throat her hands falling to her sides as he finally turned to face her forcing her to look up at him.

“weren’t doing too well… I was really happy to see that you weren’t still stuck in that room.”

The two stood in silence for a few moments before her courage began to build and she started to piece together a way to ask him about the headset.

“How did you do it? Stay so strong?”

His silence continued with her question and Shepard feared she had just ruined everything. Her hands found each other as they began to rub themselves, she should probably just get out of the shower. Never talk about this again.

“You kept me strong.”

She opened and closed her mouth a few times trying to figure out what he meant or what to respond to him with. How was she keeping him strong when she had been dead?

His real hand lifted to press against the side of her face and as his face lowered she wondered if he was going to press their foreheads together again. When he stopped a foot away from her face she let out the breath she was holding.

“You keep their voices away.”

It clicked and Shepard inhaled sucking in air to fill her lungs and clear her head. The headpiece played _her_ voice and _she_ kept the reapers away. He had gone two years with listening to her voice repeatedly to keep himself from slipping back into the void.

Was this why Sparatus wanted her to take Saren? To keep him around her and to keep him sane? How much of this was Sparatus aware of and who else knew?

“Saren I….”

She shook her head and his grip tightened on her face to prevent her from moving it. She stared up at his scared face and realized just how much they were alike. They had both been held up as the best of their race, thrust into outrageous situations and they had both fallen.

Both had pulled themselves out of the darkness though and were working towards making a better future for everyone. They finally had the same goal.

“Why don’t I hate you anymore?”

His question caught her off guard and he stepped forward forcing her back against the wall. A hiss escaping her lips as her body arched the contact with the tile colder than she expected.

“You’re just a human, I should hate you.”

He took another step forward and placed his synthetic hand against the wall by her waist trapping her.

“I should despise you just like every other greedy, selfish human there is. You’re all asking for too much too quickly. So…”

His face lowered next to hers and his mandibles flared out in frustration. His eyes searched hers and the guilt in his chest grew.

“Why _can’t_ I hate you anymore?”

She stared up desperately at him trying to blink the water from her eyes and keep her attention focused on him. She was thankful he had turned the water this hot because the chill that entered the room from his words would have frozen her otherwise.

“I don’t…I, uhm.”

He pressed his forehead against hers and the vibrations in his throat rocketed up to echo through her body. Confusion swept across her form as she tried to figure out what was going on. She had thought for a moment that he was going to attack her, but he seemed so lost in why he couldn’t hate her.

“I don’t hate you anymore.”

He had yet to close his eyes even with how close their faces were, and the cybernetics made his face a blurry glow of electric blue. She wondered if hers was the same but orange.

Her hands lifted from her sides as the cradled his face, her thumbs brushing against the joint where his fringe met his face. She wasn’t sure if it felt good, but she took it as a good sign that he hadn’t moved his face away.

“You’re strange Shepard…but I guess I’m really in no position to judge.”

He pulled his face back just slightly from hers allowing their vision to adjust and they could pull each other back into view.

It was weird, she hadn’t expected to bond this quickly with Saren. He had tried to kill them and while he had time to recover for her it felt like only a few months ago they had defeated Sovereign and that a few weeks ago he had still been tied to the table in C-Sec.

“You may be strange, but you’re strong too.”

She smiled up at the turian who allowed his mandibles the ability to flick in amusement. She felt the blood crawling up her neck and the words were spilling from her mouth before she knew it.

“PlusYourHandsome.”

She froze, the feeling of being in a teenager again, confessing her feelings for someone she barely knew. Someone who she had recently met on the new ship her mother was in command of. Only to run away in embarrassment before they could answer. She needed to run now.  

Her hands fell from his face and she twisted in his grip trying to duck under his arm to sneak out of the shower and go hide somewhere. Maybe she would find Jack, that was still a thing she needed to do right?

“I’m sorry _Shepard._ I must have missed what you said.”

The blood flooded her face and he watched in amusement as it rapidly darkened with his words. She hadn’t missed the emphasis he had put on her name and it would be a miracle if she made it out of today in once piece.

His hand left the wall by her side to curl in on itself, one of his talons catching under her chin to lift her gaze up off the floor and into his face.

“Did you just call this ‘ugly turian’ handsome?”

Rage flooded through her as she puffed her chest out, lifting herself onto her toes to decrease the distance his hand fell away from her face. Now closer to the glowering turian she let out a huff of irritation.

“Who called you ugly?”

Saren chuckled and Shepard nearly fell to the floor. It was the first time he had ever actually laughed in a non-sarcastic way around her. It was a sound that she knew she would never forget and it made her hellbent on hearing again.

“Turian society? Shepard I’m very repulsive to turian woman, some asari as well.”

Her arms crossed as she let out a haughty sigh.

“Well I’m not a turian or asari am I?”

There was no laugh this time as his hand found her face once more, his thumb moving in gentle circles on her cheek.

“No. No you’re not. I don’t even think you’re human.”

His words bit at her. She knew he meant no harm when he said them, but it stung to hear. She was still so uncertain after everything that Cerberus did to her, was she human?

“I’m not even sure I am anymore…”

He was quick to respond, either he knew what to say or had anticipated she might take his words the wrong way.

“Does it matter? You’re Commander Shepard. Savior of the Citadel. My Light.”

She collapsed into him, tears that she had been unable to shed before came bursting from within her and she broke down against him. She cried for her death, for the years she lost while Cerberus rebuilt her. She cried for the time she thought she lost Garrus, for knowing that he was safe again.

She cried for the Krogan Jedore used in her experiments and the one that she had lost in the maze. She cried for the joy and the comfort that Saren was bringing her, by standing her and letting her sob against him like the weak human she was.

She wasn’t sure how long they stood there together, how long she cried against him while he stiffly held her. She was sure he would hate her now for how weak she had been. For proving him wrong, that she was indeed human like he hated.

She took a step back away from Saren as she rubbed her eyes moving to turn off the water they had been under for far too long. Now with the lack of noise from the running water the bathroom was eerily quiet and the silence too deafening.

“I’m S-“

“Don’t.”

He forced her to look at him once more, his gaze soft compared to how hard it normally was.

“You did nothing wrong.”

Joy burst through her lungs in a sigh as she continued to stare up at the turian. How? How had they bonded so tightly in such a short amount of time? It had been years for him, listening to her voice and growing attached. Hatred he couldn’t justify anymore finally being voiced and the pair finally realizing how alike they truly were.

She smiled at him for a few moments before removing herself from the shower to grab a towel from the pile she had deposited on the counter earlier. Rubbing herself down with the soft cloth she tried to remove as much water as possible before bringing it to her hair.

Saren had removed himself from the shower, copying her actions he began to dry himself, a much faster task as his skin seemed to shed the water naturally and there was no hair to soak up the moisture.

So it wasn’t a surprise to her when she finally lowered the towel from her head to find him looming over her completely dry. His face was darkened by the light behind him and if it weren’t for the cybernetics lacing his face she wouldn’t have been able to tell where he was looking.

Straightening up she lowered the towel her head cocking to the side as she looked at him.

“Is everything okay?”

Moving at a speed that only a predatory race would be able to achieve he descended upon her faster than she could process. His hands snapped to her waist talons digging into the flesh as his jaw opened his mandibles flaring open in the process.

A groan tore from her lips as his jaw closed around the base of her neck, needle sharp teeth easily piercing through the soft skin and into her body. Her hands rocketed up to his chest where they found the lip of his chest plate. Searching for some sort of grip her fingers dug into the soft flesh that sat on the edges of his plate trying to avoid the hoses that sat nearby.

His tongue extended to press against her flesh, lapping at the skin trapped in his jaws and sending shockwaves through her with each pass of the organ.

“S-Saren!”

He snapped his head back pulling his teeth from her flesh with a wet suction. His mouth was stained a crimson red a stark contrast from the dark blue of his tongue. She watched as his tongue slithered out to pull the blood from his teeth before he lowered his head to lap at the needle wounds circled into her skin.

“Saren I don’t understand…”

His tongue left her shoulder to travel further up her neck and a throaty noise left Shepard’s mouth at the action. His tongue flicked across her ear before diving down towards her chest where it easily found her nipple.

Her hands needing new purchase found leverage in his fringe and while she held tight she tried to keep herself from breaking the long pieces.

“Saren Please I-“

“Do you want me to stop?”

His head was angled up towards her, his mouth opened in almost a pant as his tongue lolled from his mouth. Despite his efforts to clean his teeth earlier red splotches still littered the white bone and it made it hard from Shepard to swallow.

Saren lowered himself into a kneeling position his face now navel height as he continued to stare up at her. She wasn’t quite sure where this had come from.

“I don’t think so.”

He scoffed before shifting to kneel slightly further away from her, his talons tracing lazy circles into her hips. Even the gentle motion of that sent fire to her core.

“That’s not an answer Shepard.”

With her hands still gently wrapped around his fringe she managed to swallow the lump in her throat to speak again.

“I…I want this but Saren you have to want it-“

His hands gripped her waist, unsharpened talons easily piercing the flesh on the right side of her body as he put her on the counter the towels had been on not too long ago.

Without another word he dove between her legs. His tongue extending out to run along the lips of her pussy. This was unknown territory to him, turian mating involved keeping mouths and other sharp bits as far away from genitals as possible.

He remembered an Asari whore that had tried to get him to desperately ‘go down on her’ as she had called it. Going so far as to even demonstrate on him what she wanted. Although the turian refused, he wasn’t going to degrade himself to something like that.

For Shepard though, he would.

Her hips bucked against his face and his grip tightened on her hips to keep her in place. With the expertise of a turian tongue he parted her lips and began to explore what she kept hidden behind. He knew humans were like asari, that was the extent of his sexual knowledge of humans, from what he could gather as he lapped about it was about the same, if not smaller.

His tongue flicked upwards and against a fleshy nub that caused Shepard to cry out in the most intoxicating way. He quickly focused himself on licking and playing with the bundle of nerves the best he could. He found that if he grazed a tooth against the side it would cause her to buck against him and he liked that.

He wasn’t sure why he was doing this, licking her cunt and listening to her sighs. There was something that shifted inside of him while watching her dry off, whether it was the realization that she was, as he had called her, _his light._ Or if it was her stature.

For turian standards she was rather attractive, her waist was thin, and her hips flared out creating a suitable gripping point. He found no attraction to her breasts, but her neck was strong but thin and her eyes, oh he had turned fool for those eyes.

His tongue left the bundle of nerves to focus on her entrance just a little bit south. Sliding his tongue in he nearly choked from the feeling, the warmth and tightness pulling his tongue in even further as the taste exploded. He eagerly moved his tongue about inside her pulling it out to savor the flavor and spread it around his own mouth before plunging back in and rolling it around her, stretching her sides to see how far she’d bend.

He lifted his attention to her face, where he met those eyes. Her hands were shakily holding his fringe as her hips bucked and rolled against his face, careful not to smother him completely in her thighs. Half dry, her hair stood at all sorts of angles while the wet pieces stuck to her face.

The charcoal around her eyes had smudged from the water and her tears and created a darker ring around the green orbs, and it seemed as if it was done so to purposefully draw him in further.

Blown from the ecstasy she was feeling very little of the green color he loved so much was there. But the black pools ringed by green and orange quickly became his favorite version of her eyes.

Pink coloring flushed her cheeks and her mouth sat parted as she panted, soft moans and squeaks leaving her lips as he moved his tongue about within her.

His right hand left her hips as it traveled down between her lips and he watched as her eyes widened before her head threw itself back as his finger found the fleshy nub he had previously been working on.

“Saren!”

His name was fuel to the fire as he worked his tongue in and out of her the best he could, rolling it inside of her to devour as much of the taste as he could. He was addicted, he had such a small taste on his tongue, but he needed more. He never wanted to taste anything but the insides of her pussy again.

His talon rolled gently against her and she bucked wildly against him. With the wall behind her and unable to fall backwards her hands shot forward once again to tightly grip his fringe _and pull._

A groan echoed through his throat as his subharmonics kicked in try and show her that he was enjoying this just as much as she was. He had fully unsheathed by now, he could feel the cold air against his cock as it hung between his legs. It was painfully stiff and there was only one thing he wanted more than to mount her, and that was to have her cry his name when she came first.

The vibrations from his subharmonics paired with his finger rubbing her clit and his tongue currently moving inside her in ways nothing ever had put her over the edge. She felt her throat tighten as her vision blurred and she tugged once more on his fringe as she flung her head back screaming his name as she came on his tongue.

“ _Saren!”_

He was greedy with the liquid that coated his tongue, quickly pulling it into his mouth to savor the flavor. It wasn’t sweet by any means, the slightly sour taste almost off putting, but it was mixed with her scent and her flavor and it was _her essence_ that he was drinking, and he wouldn’t waste it.

She kept her grip on him for a few seconds as she panted before she let go to grip the edge of the counter her attention completely focused on the turian between her thighs. As he stood to tower over her once more she couldn’t help but spot the dick hard and leaking before her.

Her mouth was suddenly dry as she stared at the white organ throbbing in front of her. Despite the whitish gray the rest of his body was the tip of his dick was a bluish gray, no doubt from the blood pooled in the top.

She was no stranger to sex with aliens, she had trysts here and there on her adventures and growing up with her mother in the alliance there was enough to keep her satisfied. She had never done it with someone she would have to see again, never with someone so trusted, or would have to talk to her again afterwards.

Sliding off the counter she quickly lowered herself to her knees her tongue coming out to lick up the underside of his cock. Saren’s hands shot forward to grip the counter and her sadness was quickly replaced by relief as the counter behind her groaned and cracked under the grip of the synthetic arm.

She relished in the fact that she was currently licking his dick, the slow strokes seemingly driving him mad as she moved as slowly as possible. She was still uncertain as to _why_ his opinion about her changed so quickly but she meant what she said earlier. He was handsome, they could figure this out later.

Licking her lips she slowly lowered her mouth down over his dick and she was certain the noises behind her meant that a piece of the counter would now permanently be missing. She struggled to completely engulf him, her nose flaring as she tried to keep her breathing even and swallow as much of him as she could.

She had never been an Asari deep throat artist and never would, but she was going to try to take as much of him as she could damnit. Once as far in as she could go without choking she lifted her hand to wrap it around the rest of his dick making sure that all of it would be covered.

Her free hand came to find his balls slightly further back than she remembered but still there and hot to the touch. It was his turn to buck as her hand found the sensitive skin and with that she began to slowly bob her head up and down his shaft.

Saren had always been uneasy when anyone would put their mouth near him. There were teeth and any slight bite could be the difference between a disaster or a good time. So to be enjoying this as much as he was, was surprising.

Lowering his head to pull Shepard into view he nearly rammed her head back into the counter with how hard he jerked forward. It wasn’t something he was proud of but after hearing her voice for two years he had imagined situations like this. With her on her knees in front of him, her wrapped around his dick. _Actually seeing it though?_

 He hesitantly moved his real hand from the counter to her head where he gripped her hair helping her to move faster around him. To take him slightly deeper with each thrust. The suction and warmth of her mouth was suffocating, and he didn’t know how long he could hold out.

As unacceptable as it would be for him to release so early, he hadn’t been with a woman since his times with Sovereign. Even those were only when they were stopped at Omega or some other shady location.

The stress of taking the assignment, the tension between the two of them, everything was melting as she sucked his dick, her fingers rolling his balls. His hand tightened in her hair and the moan she made vibrated through her throat and to his dick.

Grunting he kept a tight hold on her hair as he slammed against her throat. She cried out the best she could around his dick, but he couldn’t stop. He was too close, he needed that final-

Her teeth grazed his cock, just enough for him to feel the blunt edges but not enough to scare him. The remembrance that there were dangerous objects in her mouth and the teasing manner in how she was looking at him forced him to lose it as he slammed as far back into her throat as she could take him.

“ _Shepard.”_

Her name was nothing more than a grunt as his cum flooded her throat and she gagged on the liquid trying her hardest not to spit it up. Similar to how hers tasted for him, his was not sweet or something she would willingly choose over something else.

It was his though, the raw taste of his semen mixed with the oddly comical floral scent that radiated from him do to her soap made it consumable. They were similar in that they would do it for each other.

She rose to her feet only to have him descend upon her neck once more, his teeth grazing the flesh as his tongue worked the area. She was certainly alright if this continued farther, she wasn’t going to stop him but maybe they could continue in the other room? Where the giant bed was?

“Hey, uh, I think Miranda and Jack are gonna fight and while I wanna put money on Jack, I really don’t want holes in my new ship.”

Her jaw clenched and it took everything she had not to cuss out her pilot with his uncanny interruption timing.

Saren was more than happy to ignore the pilot as his hand wandered down between her legs once more and it took everything she had not to groan at the feeling of his finger on her clit once again.

“Can it wait?”

There was silence for a moment, most likely Joker trying to figure out why she would need time before coming down to handle a volatile situation.

“Uh, I mean I don’t really want to find out? Pretty sure biotics are already flying.”

She wanted to cry out, partly due to frustration and partly since Saren was teasing her entrance with his finger. His synthetic hand clamped down on her mouth and before she could shake her head his finger had slid inside her.

Her knees quaked as he pumped his finger inside of her, his hand moving from her mouth to support her lower back. She couldn’t just ignore Joker, no matter how much she really _really_ wanted too.

 “Let her get dressed. She’ll be down in 15 minutes.”

His hand picked up speed as his finger slammed against her the slow rotation of the digit mixed with the slight prickling from his talon forcing her head to roll backwards, blood flooding her mouth as she bit down on her tongue.

“Saren? Wait….get dressed? EDI? WHAT ARE THEY DOING? PULL UP THE CAMER-“

The coms cut out and Shepard silently thanked the AI. She didn’t know how she was going to pay her back but gods would she have to now. Free from the coms Shepard let out a heavy moan as Saren shifted his position so his thumb could press against her clit again.

She was quick to cum this time, she was still on edge after the last time so to have him quicken her pace and engulf her breast in his mouth, his tongue rapidly rolling against her nipple was enough to set her over.

She cried out his name again her nails raking down his chest, catching on ports before jolting to continue its movement. Saren loved the feeling, despite her nails not being as sharp as a female turians it was a such an amazing feeling.

Pulling his finger from within her he left her leaning against the counter as he dipped below her to lap at her cunt once again. Cleaning her and robbing her of the juices she dripped. Once clean he stood to clean his own finger eyeing his commander with curiosity.

It would be interesting to see where things went from here. Shepard wasn’t like the others he had slept with before, there was much more of an emotional attachment tied to her.

Although sleeping with each other on a turian frigate was expected he knew humans didn’t see it the same way so he knew there had to be something there for her to accept his proposition, as random and forward as it was.

She shuffled to the other side of the room grabbing her sweatpants before disappearing into their bedroom to don undergarments and a shirt. He stood bare before her as he watched her skitter around and try to get ready.

She ran a small brush through her hair and as he watched her he hoped she would run into Garrus. He was sure the doctor would be able to smell his pheromones, humans seemed to have the weakest of noses of the races, but to see how riled the boy would get to smell his sex on her?

_That’s not why you did it._

He shook his head watching as she tugged her boots on stumbling before catching herself on the fish tank. No. It wasn’t why he did it. He couldn’t care less if Garrus never found out about it. He did it because after two years of ‘being’ with her, he truly wanted to be with her.

Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t even thought about whether that would help the whispering in his brain. He hadn’t cared if it would make it better or worse. He wanted her and it was as simple as that.

“Saren.”

He nodded in her direction to let her know he was listening as he watched her move up the stairs and towards the door. The door hissed open and she turned to stare at him for a few moments.

“We’re talking about this when I get back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really write smut? So uh...  
> I'm sorry?  
> You're welcome?  
> Garba flarg flarg?


End file.
